Hi everyone, Wow, I never thought I would be writing a post like this, but here goes -- Me: I've just turned the big 30, have been out all my life and being gay has never been an issue for me (yes, lucky, I know). I've been in a relationship with my gf for just over a year and a half now. She was my 'straight best friend' for about 10 years before the lines blurred ... She/Us: I'm her first gf, and in typical gay fashion, things got intense pretty quickly. However, the more serious we got, the more 'real' the implications of being in a same sex relationship began to hit her. A big knock-back was when she told her parents about our relationship. They were always great about me, and loved our friendship, but once we'd crossed into relationship territory and they found out, they reacted really badly, the mother especially, her dad even saying being gay would destroy not only her career, but her brother's career too -!!- . This had a devastating effect on my gf, and it hindered her telling our friends about the relationship, and for the first time a very real and crippling sense of FEAR took over (subsequently however, she has told some of our friends - the ones that matter ), but that sense of FEAR is overriding.... Anyway, despite those struggles we maintained a really good relationship. We had been living in different cities but juggling with distance well and seeing each other at weekends, talked every day and simply made the most of our time to talk/be together/juggle our careers. Even more fortuitously, I've been lucky enough to get a new job in the same city and start this coming Monday ... we have the opportunity to be close to each other and finally have a 'normal' relationship... HOWEVER ... She turned 30 a few months ago. Since then something has clicked with her and she has massively changed to the point she has shut down completely from me and is distant, non-communicative and withdrawn not just from me, but from herself. The big 30 thing has made her realise the 'limitations' of being in a same sex couple, no conventional family, children, all those society implications ... PLUS ... her mother has been putting huge pressure on her to meet a guy, that time is ticking and she doesn't 'want to miss the boat'. The mother also has been saying how much she would love grandchildren, that it would give her a sense of purpose and relieve her from boredom ... All of this has been putting my gf under huge pressure and I really question whether or not she is 'strong' enough for this. It's so confusing and frustrating on my part because things were going great, we were inseparable right up until this 30 milestone, then literally *bang* ... her birthday passes, she has one or two emotional chats with her mother and this is what's happened. It literally went from being our normal amazing selves together to her barely being able to spend any time alone with me. I'm worried for her, that she's not digging beneath the surface and addressing what it is she wants, who she is, and accepting that. She's never used the word gay, but says how she 'gets it'. Ironically, all of our friends except me always suspected she was gay, but labels aside, she's now in (what I thought was) a loving relationship she's completely emotionally paralysed and frozen from. She's completely regressed on so many levels and simply not even trying to join the dots as to herself, her identity and what she wants/feels. I really feel this is make or break time -- that she'll either accept herself and by default, our relationship -- or she'll simply discard me and live a life to keep her mother and what she thinks is conventional society happy ... At the same time, I'm so worried for her -- I see this FEAR taking an emotional and even PHYSICAL toll on her and I feel so helpless. It seems everything I do makes it worse and as a result I'm withdrawing from her. Any advice, any support would be so appreciated. I'm kind of laughing at myself to find myself in this position at this point in my life, but I really love this girl and believe what we have is worth fighting for. I'm so confused as to why she's sunk into complete and utter denial and shutting me out is nothing short of hurtful. I've begged for her to communicate but that seems to drive her further away from me ... We've been arguing so much over this and we're both exhausted but I just feel she's either going to ignore herself and by default, me, and/or simply discard me for the 'easy life'. What should I do? Thank you ...
I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to let her know that you care about her, and express you hope she will talk to you about why she's been so distant. I recognize where you are coming from, but it sounds like your girlfriend also needs support and love from someone who accepts her as she is, instead of who her parents want her to be. I'm not saying you're wrong in how you appear to be viewing the situation, merely offering my perspective. So, just let her know that when she's ready to speak to you about the problem, then you'll be ready to listen. Other than that, there isn't much you can do with someone who shuts people out. Make sure to take care of yourself, hope this helps you.
Wow, this is definitely a tough situation to be in. I can't tell you what you should do because only you know the kind of relationship that you are fighting for, so I will only say that always remember that sometimes we all have to fight our own fights alone. As hard as it is, if she doesn't want any help, then there isn't much more than you can do other than letting her know that you are there. It sounds like your girlfriend is dealing with a lot of things at once and the pressure is overwhelming her. Have you advised her to see a professional? I think that would be the best idea for her since it sounds like its multiple things that she is going to have to deal with. That being said, you should also be worrying about taking care of yourself. You know where your girlfriend is in all of this, but where are you? How are you feeling bout your relationship and everything else that is happening, aside from worrying about her. Are you going to be willing to wait until she makes her final decision?
This is what I'm thinking: Your gf, despite having a latent potential for same-sex attraction, always thought of herself as straight. But then she fell in love with you, her gay best friend. Instead of using this realization as an opportunity to explore and come to terms with her inherent sexual identity, she simply let herself become wrapped up in the relationship and hoped that everything would work itself out. Although, on some level, she must acknowledge that she has the capacity for same-sex attraction, she has never really done the work of fully exploring the implications of what this means, and how much it can affect her self-identity and her identity in the eyes of others. In other words, on a subconscious level she might still be clinging to the idea of herself as straight, and you as an exception (whether this is true or not). Coming from this shaky foundation characterized by a lack of real self-awareness and self-acceptance, once she started getting some push-back from her family she found it difficult to stand up for herself and her relationship with you. Their opinions have more influence on her fragile state of mind than they would have if she had been able to go through the process of self-actualization before (or during the early stages of) getting into a relationship with you. This is not to put any blame on her or on you; things happen the way they happen, and often it's impossible to fully understand the dynamics of a relationship until much later on. Before I try to offer any advice, do you think I could be on the right track here? Does this scenario resonate at all with what you know of her?
The thing I feel that is a huge factor is the pressure being put on her back. I definitely would suggest maybe seeing someone (her seeing someone) or going together so she knows you're there for support. You don't have to go in the room but just being there. But I feel her mom is creating a lot of strain and personally don't think that's right. I'm dealing with a mother myself who is kinda being more toxic than loving and I feel the mother right now is putting a lot of guilt and pressure on your gf and that's not what a mother should be doing. I'm not sure what to do in that aspect but it still isn't a good thing.
Thank you everyone for your time, effort and support .... your words and effort mean a lot. Aielar and TheEdend, thanks for your observations. You're both right on the mark in that we should be looking after everyone's needs, and my own included. I bet you're both the types who find it easier to put other people before yourself too ... Chandra, you're so accurate on all your observations. And these are observations my gf and I have discussed at length too ... self-awareness and actualisation come about through years of blood, sweat and tears invested by an individual into their sense of self. My gf ... for whatever reason ... has never done this and struggles on all levels to do this ... nobody is more aware of it than she is ... Please do share your advice, if you have more to dispense ... Revan, I'm sorry to hear you've issues with your mom too. How do you deal with it? Do you remain honest with her but gently so (which I'm sure has generated a huge estrangement between you two). If you don't mind me asking, are you getting counseling? I'm gonna push harder that my gf considers this ... but when you're a workaholic, time is of the essence!
I agree that counselling would be helpful, if you can convince her to go. If she is in a sense still not "out" to herself (meaning she has not come to terms with her sexual identity, despite your relationship), she may be in a stage of denial, and dealing with a certain internalized homophobia. The fact that she has not yet accepted herself as gay/bi/queer means that she has not reached a point where she has developed the confidence necessary to stand up to her family. It's also possible that having you at a physical distance has made it easier for her to carry on in this denial, but now that you are moving closer, she's starting to realize that your relationship will be a lot more visible - and visibility is a scary idea to someone who is not out. I'm glad to hear that you and your gf have already discussed these issues, and I think it's important to continue doing so if you're able to. To be honest, I don't see this being an easy ride for the two of you at all. Grappling with sexual identity and coming out issues is hard enough to do on your own, never mind from within a relationship. I think the best that you can do is continue to let her know that you love her, that she means so much to you, and that you're there to support her as she tries to figure things out. She may not realize that in the long run, even if she gives in to her family's demands right now and finds a man to marry and have babies with, eventually the reality of who she is will likely start to interfere with her happiness. So although she doesn't want to deal with this right now, she will probably have to deal with it at some point in the future. But it is hard to explain this to someone who is in denial in the first place. Also, does she understand that she can still have children and a nuclear family with a woman? Would she want children even if her mother wasn't pressuring her? Are these things that you want yourself? All important questions for you to consider, and maybe to discuss with her.
