I was washing my hands in the sink and when I was finished I looked up to the mirror and saw a face. The face of somebody I've known for my entire life, somebody that has been there with me from dawn to dusk. Some one that has never left my side and stays shackled to me every minute of every day. Even if I've known that person for my entire life he's still a stranger. I look into the mirror and think I should see me but instead I see some one else. It sounds like an over used description but it's not just a metaphor. I have no love for that person in the mirror, no joy, or any kind emotion. When I see that person it's just somebody I've seen every day but have never gotten to know. To me that person is ugly, the kind of ugliness you keep to yourself and just assume of somebody before you get to know them. I hate that person, which is strange because he's never done anything wrong. I hate him more than anyone else, even the people that have beaten and abused him. Am I one of those people? In a twisted way I am, I cut him, multiple times a day. I don't feel remorse or guilt for hurting him like I would anyone else. I've even attempted to kill him, but he's done nothing wrong. Does that make me a murderer? Is the person in the mirror really innocent though, he doesn't know who I am but he keeps me locked away anyway. Am I still a murderer for wanting to escape? If you hurt the person who's keeping you hostage against your will isn't that self defense? The person in the mirror is a stranger, but if he's a stranger then what am I? If I look with his eyes, touch with his fingers, and move with his legs then is he my puppet, or am I his? I can't live without his heart, his lungs, his body; but he can't live without me either. What about me keeps him alive though? Am I a parasite for using his body to live, or is he the parasite for using me to keep himself alive? I am a stranger to the person in the mirror, and the person in the mirror is a stranger to me. What am I?
You are not the reflection in the mirror, nor are you the perceiver of the reflection. There is no you. It is an illusion and the greatest source of suffering in the world. I know how you feel, believe me, I completely understand. When I see myself in the mirror my gut instinct is complete digust. My body isn't the way it is supposed to be. And there are times when I dwell on my feelings about my body, and I want to die. But I am not my body, and I am not my gender. When I hate my body, or I hate my mind then I suffer. I suffer terribly, as I am sure you do too. But when I am patient, and compassionate, and loving, and kind to my body and to my mind, then there is peace, acceptance, and joy. The things I cannot change are beyond my control, and to hate myself or some faceless God for making me suffer is futile and will only lead to further suffering. To take control of the things I CAN change, and to love myself and those around me is skillful and will lead to happiness. Stop hurting yourself FUGS. Stop hating yourself. You are not alone. There are many others just like you. Many others who have gone through what you are going through and who have made to the other side, happy, content, beautiful, and whole. When I think about the fact that I was not born a girl, and I feel robbed or betrayed by fate, it makes me want to die. But there is no reason for me to feel that way. It isn't my fault that I was born this way, nor is it anyone elses. I haven't been robbed of anything. What makes me a woman is what's inbetween my ears, not what's between my legs. In the end, our bodies and minds will age, sicken, collapse, and change. What matters is the actions we take in the time we have in order to bring happiness to ourselves and others. Don't lose hope, FUGS. Be strong. Seek help. Speak out. Find others like you. You are still so young. There are women out there who have lived with the feelings you have for DECADES before finally coming to terms with them. Do everything it takes to begin treatment and become the person you are meant to become. It's going to be okay.
