Hey all, some of you might remember a post I made about a month ago about a weird reaction / misunderstanding myself and my bf had and how we worked it out. Well he ditched me recently and in a way I've never been ditched before...I thought it was very cold but maybe I'm overreacting. Anyways, not long after we made up we decided to spend more time alone together, he'd come over to my place and we'd watch tv, talk, play video games, make out et cetera. I thought things were going really well because he was much more affectionate both in private and in public and we really seemed to be moving forwards. Then he came over last saturday and things were good as usual, it got a bit later and we started kissing quite a bit, I asked him if he wanted to go next door (bedroom) and he just said no and got really, really prickly and quiet, sat up and made up an excuse that he couldn't he had work early the next day so couldnt stay and phoned for a lift home. I asked him if I'd done or said anything wrong and he said I hadn't but remained very quiet and distant. I asked him if there was something wrong in general and he started getting very awkward and muttering that there was but he didn't like to say it, I told him he might as well tell me and he said he didn't think things were working out, that he didn't feel right with me. I asked him if it was in general or just with me and he said it was just with me that the relationship didn't feel right, when I asked him how long he'd (not) felt like this he told me for about 6 weeks to 2 months and he didn't have a decent excuse for not telling me other than "I just hate saying no / can't say no to people". When I pressed him to explain why he'd let me kiss him and why he'd kissed me during the time things didn't "feel right" he told me "I was just testing to make sure it really didn't feel right." Needless to say I was pretty hurt by that as well as the lies and felt/feel like a total fool. The only problem is that he wants to stay friends so I don't think he's learned anything really from this, he knows I need time to get over it but I don't know if I can deal with him again on any level. I know the mature thing to do is to rise above it and put it behind us but I'm not sure I can, I feel pretty betrayed and very angry. So am I overreacting to this or is this a normal response? I only ask becauise previous breakups were generally mutual and I remained friends easily enough afterwards. Maybe I cared too much about this one.
I'm really sorry you got hurt like this. What it sounds like to me is that first and for most you need some time. It seems way too soon, the wound too fresh, to make any kind of a decision on a possible friendship after this. And it's okay to tell him that. And if you don't feel like being friends with him, there is no rule that says you have to.
I agree with Snowflake. Give yourself some time for the wounds to heal, and see how you feel about him after that. I think one of the more important things to think about when you feel ready is whether you feel you can trust him. It may help as well to get a better understanding of his side of things if he's willing to tell you, but the decision is up to you; do what you feel is best, not what you feel like you "should" do.
Well, let's recast the situation from his point of view. I'm guessing he likes you as a friend, if nothing else. And on paper, maybe you're attractive to him. You're a nice guy, you treat him well, you're ready and willing. The only problem? He's not "feeling it". He might find it OK in a rather pedestrian way, but there's no spark. He might have thought to himself, "Well, Janos is a great guy. I shouldn't just ditch him because I don't feel anything. On paper, he's a perfect candidate. I'll stick with it, and give myself a chance to let that spark reignite." ...but apparently it didn't. After trying for some time, he realized it just wasn't going to happen. It sucks, but there it is. And once you pressed him into it, he came clean. It just wasn't happening. I don't get any sense of true "betrayal" or lies or whatnot. Just somebody who tried (maybe too hard) to get something going. And if my analysis is correct, then he does probably want to stay friends. But yeah, that's going to be tough right now. You've got every right to tell him "I understand what happened, but I'm going to need some time and distance to get my head back into the 'friend zone'." Then, take all the time you need. Lex
That could be the case Lex but from my time with him I think it's more of a case of cowardice than waiting for the spark to reignite, he even said that he thinks it was a mistake asking me out and we should have stayed just friends and his only reason for asking me out when I asked him why he even did it was that he didn't think long enough about it. Regardless though the outcome's the same, I need time either way. I'm picking some of my stuff back off him tomorrow but I'm keeping it brief and businesslike, I don't want to say or do anything rash. Thanks.
Hi Janos Sorry for your hurt. The break up is not about you at all - it is totally about him. At least, going by how he went about it and according to what you said. I believe that others enter our lives for a reason or a season. Once it is done, they exit. Learn from it as best you can, try not to hold grudges (they only hurt the holder, anyway). Hugs from Canada,
Sympathies. That sounds like it must have stung quite a bit. Unfortunately, for some people it takes a long time to learn that drawing something out longer than it should is a lot more hurtful than being honest from the beginning. People are often afraid to hurt someone's feelings, partly because they don't want to feel like the bad guy. But, as you can attest, it's even more painful to be strung along for no reason. I hope you can heal from this quickly, and that your ex will eventually gain more emotional maturity in his future relationships. I'd definitely agree with others that it sounds like you need some time and distance from him. Again, he might want to push for staying friends because this will help him feel better about himself - he thinks if you can be friends with him, he must not have really hurt you that much, right? So you may need to make it clear to him that you do indeed need some space from him.
