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Do these type of people actually change?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kylegf2011, Dec 3, 2011.

  1. kylegf2011

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    So I was having lunch with my family, everything was great, we were having a very good time, until my sister mentioned something about one of his friends probably being gay because he kissed another guy at a party. She said this with a face of ultimate disgust, and when she said this my momĀ“s immediate reaction was "grose!!" and went on to make faces expressing complete disgust. This dodnt feel good at all, in fact it felt pretty bad :icon_sad: It just made me not want to come out at all ever, at least to them. Imagine how they would see me!! I would grose them out!!! :tears:
     
  2. Danny19

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    oh i know how you feel. ive been through this many times. unfortunately with them not knowing about me they always say stuff like this. when there are guys kissing they are like "ew thats the grossest thing ever". It makes me feel that when i come out they will not want to know anything about my relationships. When i tell my friends about this they all tell me that they will change when i come out and it will be different. But idk. Hopefully they will. All we can do is wait and see what happens. and put up with this crap -_-
     
  3. Lexington

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    They actually often DO change. Not always, but often.

    Think of your sister first. She's actually friends with this guy. Therefore, she's confronting her attitudes towards homosexuality in a more direct way. She now knows (or at least strongly suspects) that somebody she knows and likes might be gay. Her look of "ultimate disgust" might in fact be that, but it might be she was wearing it because she's been forced to confront the issue head-on. If it's always been "ew gross" to her, she probably hasn't even really considered it much until now.

    Your mother, on the other hand, is a step removed. She can simply say "gross" and wave it away. You didn't mention if your mother told her to cut contact with this guy, but the fact that she didn't might in fact be a vaguely positive sign. :slight_smile: It'd be very easy for her to keep considering gay people as "them", and simply hoping all the "good people" (your family) just not have anything to do with "them".

    Lex
     
  4. biAnnika

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    People say these things without thinking about them, not because it is how they feel, but because they think it is the thing to say...and they assume (again, without thinking and without having any particular reason) that nobody in earshot will be offended.

    In general, people are a *lot* less thoughtful and principled than we frequently give them credit for being. If your mom and sister knew you are gay, it would give them a whole new window of insight into what it means to be gay, and so not only would the comments stop (especially if you asked them to stop...each time something offensive was said), but they would also probably start to feel differently as well.

    But even without coming out, the fact is that such statements are offensive, because they degrade an entire class of human beings. Hence, you would be right to ask them to keep their bigoted opinions to themselves. So regardless of whether you (now, later, or ever) come out to them, don't be afraid to ask them not to make comments that you find offensive.
     
  5. Gravity

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    People can very much change. I remember a similar conversation between my mom and sister before I came out - my sister was calling someone "gay," and my mom said something to the effect of, "that's not nice - how would you feel if someone said that about your brother?"

    Well. Anyway. :grin: At this point my mom and my sister are two of my biggest supporters.

    So, yes. People change. When it's part of their lives and their family, reactions are often different. Keep in mind, also, that they have no idea (or at least we can assume they don't) that you are gay - they have no idea what effect their words are having, and they're being spoken in a completely non-reflective, non-self-conscious way. When they actually have to think about it, their reactions and views could be very different.
     
  6. kylegf2011

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    Well, there not that close, they go to the same school and she knows both of them, but she doesnt really like them that much :icon_sad: