I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but I'm kind of down after going to my dad's house today. He has bipolar disorder, is a professor, and wrote a book about his illness/life. The book has not been published yet but he had a copy that he showed me. I read something that made me feel kind of sad. He said (in the book) that when I was a baby he thought my mom (they are divorced now) should have taken care of me. He said he thought he was just going to have to do laundry, dishes, and take care of the dog... that his job was not to take care of kids. My mom apparently got mad that he didn't want to spend time with me. He said he had an "aversion to children". He slept in a different room from my mom because I was always crying and waking them up in the middle of the night. I was a sickly baby. He talks about how he hated "The Little Mermaid" because I watched it so much to the point that he felt sick to his stomach. He does say some good stuff about my sister and I but he was way more positive about his dog. He talks about how much he loves the dog over and over again. He said the dog kept him from committing suicide. What about me? Did I not make him want to live? He talks about my parents' divorce and how he had bought a gun and was going to use it to kill himself. But he decided he wouldn't after the lawyer convinced him to get rid of the gun. Also the dog kept him from wanting to die. Boy, I wish I was that dog sometimes. The dog is dead now though. He talks about my grandma and some other stuff. I just feel like I'm not very important. My dad gives so much credit to my stepmom and his old dog that I feel unimportant. He says how good it was when I was born but it feels like he gives way more credit to everyone else. Sorry for the rant, I wish I was important enough to live for just like the dog and my step-mom. I don't know if anyone can relate but I just wanted to get it out.
some people aren't born to be parents, but sometimes life ends up giving you room to grow, I'm sure that he loves you, perhaps he was just mentioning it in relation to his struggle about coming to terms in respect to being a parent, its a big change, and sometimes its hard for people, either way I hope you and your dad have a good relationship now, and that's what matters
Thanks for ur reply. We don't really have that good of a relationship. I mean sure, he is nice to me but he only cares about how I'm doing in school. He always talks about himself and how he is doing speeches and other stupid stuff. He doesn't know about any of my friends or that I am gay. He's always been very self centered which is why I feel unimportant I guess. He loves me but he doesn't know what it means to not be a self-centered a-hole. He is so focused on being a mental health hero that he forgets he should actually be a dad too. He told me in front of like 20 other people that my uncle died from committing suicide instead of from cancer like he had told me for years. Everything he does just seems to make me feel unimportant.
I can relate to this part. My dad is pretty self-centered and he can't admit it. As much as I want to resent him for it, I just don't have the energy. I'm an adult with my own problems, so I'm just trying to move on and not dwell on it. I'm promising myself that I'll be a better parent, that I won't choose my friends over my kids, and that I'll always be there when my family needs me.
Sounds like he's not being very sensitive to your feelings; he could have at least warned you about the kind of things he says in the book. It's true that having a baby to take care of is a huge responsibility and changes every aspect of your life, so your dad may have had trouble adjusting to having you around, but it just seems to me that there would be ways to talk about that without offending family members. That said, have you talked to your dad about it? It's possible he doesn't realize how this (and other things he's done) made you feel. If he's got a history of doing things that make you feel down about yourself though, try not to put too much stock in what he says. Find your self-worth elsewhere. Easier said than done, I know... I'm not sure if anything I'm saying here is too helpful, but hopefully there's something that can be of use.
So sorry to hear your story. My father suffers from the same tragic illness. There have been so many slights like these over the years. So little of the man I knew growing up remains. I remind myself when he says these things how irrationally his mind works. The bad decisions, hurtful things he has said. It really isn't about me (or you) - it is about him and his inability to control his mind and keep it rational - or at least that's what I tell myself. While I still find it hurtful, it bothers me so much less than it used to. Happy to talk more about this if you want - you can PM or wall post me.
my dad also had bi polar god i miss him please dont feel hurt by what ur dad said he loves you hes just sick right now . message me so we can talk better ok
