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Advise for a student questioning

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JBH9405, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. JBH9405

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    Hello,

    I am a newbie here (just discovered the site). I first wanted to say that I am glad there are forums like these for people, I couldn't imagine how much more difficult it would have been for somebody pre-internet age, so I am feeling fortunate for that.

    About myself, I currently a RN student, following in his dad's footsteps, and I am loving the career. The schooling itself is extremely hectic and stressful, and on my only days off I work at a nearby hospital... therefore I am constantly under stress. I am currently 25, male, and over the last few years unsure of my sexuality. Growing up I assumed I was straight, and was even attracted to women, then around 19 I found myself more attracted to men than I realized. To the point where men dominated as far as arousal goes. My initial thoughts were that I was gay. However, whenever I actually try to look into a homosexual relationship... there is a sudden lack of interest... which I cannot explain. When it comes to long-term relationships (the lovey, trust, commitment part) I find women to be more attractive and arousing. This is frustrating, mainly because I feel split. However, I have accepted that I am attracted to males in addition to females, which is a start.

    Which brings me to this last week, where suddenly I have had these strange stomach issues, lack of appetite, and stress related symptoms. A part of me feels this stress might partially be related to being in the closet (whether it be bisexuality or homosexuality) and wants to come out. It is constantly on my mind, and my focus isn't on school or work. However, I don't want to do that unless I am fairly certain. My family is pretty homophobic. While my cousin is a lesbian, homosexual/bisexual males are perceived as more deficient or inhuman. I am currently being supported financially by my dad while I go to school. I don't think coming out will really change things between us in the long run, maybe cause some awkwardness, but it will definitely change things for some close family & friends who are more uneducated and inexperienced with the LGBT community. Additionally, most of my friends & family are interconnected with each other, so I worry telling one person may cause the whole secret to be revealed, via gossip. It has happened in the past with secrets.

    I apologize for writing so much, and commend you if you read it all! I just feel very confused and stressed out... and I am not sure how to release this stress. Any advice would be most appreciated.

    Thanks!
     
  2. Mlpguy88

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    Well, I can't comment on the stomach issues, that is something for a doctor to diagnose. But there is a test I did on myself to find out my orientation for sure, I wasn't sure if I was gay or bisexual so I decided to watch some lesbian porn and watched for any movement down there without touching myself. Then I watched some gay porn after that and did the same thing, as far as I can tell I'm gay. It's kind of a stupid idea but it worked for me.
    Don't worry about labeling yourself, and I'm sure everything will be OK.
     
  3. biAnnika

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    Hi there, and welcome!

    If it was me, I would want to figure myself out before worrying *at all* about "coming out". You might experiment a bit, and figure out whether it is men, women, or both that you enjoy being with. Are you in a large enough area where you can experiment around a bit anonymously?

    But regarding stomach issues (or any other medical concern)...look, you're a budding nurse...get yourself to a doctor. You don't have to mention what you think may be causing the stress, but if you're having discomfort, don't mess around with that...see a professional.

    Finally, regarding bisexuality, there are lots of ways people get split: sexually attracted to men, but romantically attracted to women; romantically attracted to both, but only ever wanting oral sex with a guy; want sex with both, but grossed out with the thought of kissing a same-sex partner...loads of variations. Don't let it confuse you: those specifics don't define your sexuality...*you* do that. So back to my first recommendation...experiment and figure out what you like...then go from there. Just don't lie to people, don't like to yourself, and don't try to deny urges you may have.
     
  4. Doctor Faustus

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    I think you need to have a serious discussion with yourself about your sexuality. I'd ask three questions first of all:
    (1) who are you attracted to when you're out and about, men, women or both?
    (2) who do you have fantasies about: men, women or both?
    (3) if you were going to enter into a hypothetical long-term relationship, would that be with a man or a woman?

    These questions aren't exhaustive by any stretch of the imagination. They're just the start of that process you need to allow to happen within yourself. It must be hard, with an incredibly homophobic and gossipy family like yours, it would seem, but you've come to EC and recognised that your sexuality is open to question, which is fair enough and more than a good first step in the right direction. But I think you need to have a serious and honest chat with yourself about what you really want and what your priorities are. Coming out can come later. Right now, it's about orientating yourself (pun not intended!) and being comfortable with yourself in your own skin.

    If it helps, keep a diary for a week. Put all your troubles, worries and stresses in there. It's a safe place where you can write for, say, five minutes for a week before you go to bed. That way, you'll be more ready to deal with your anxieties in the morning.

    Hope this helps! Write to me if you feel that's useful.

    Best,

    Faustus.
     
  5. JBH9405

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    Thank you Mlpguy88 & biAnnika for your responses, it means a lot to me.

    It makes sense that I shouldn't be in a hurry to reveal my sexuality, but a part of me feels like I am constantly living a lie. Experimenting is a good idea, I just need to get over the paranoia of people figuring something out about me. I suppose this constant "looking over my shoulder" has started to take a toll on me and I am looking to end it with decisive action... which I agree isn't too smart.

    As for the stress & stomach issues, I actually did speak to an MD about it at work today. He thought it sounded stress & anxiety related. Hiding a part of who I am kind of feels like I am carrying guilt & heavy emotions around constantly (ala The Telltale Heart). I suppose I was just looking for ways to relieve this uncomfortable feeling.

    Thank you again for taking the time to write advice, it means more to me than you realize.

    ---------- Post added 4th Dec 2011 at 07:33 PM ----------

    Doctor Faustus, thank you for your thorough reply. The journal idea sounds like it might help me organize my thoughts. I agree, I need to orient myself before I do anything else.

    I might take you up on your offer to write to you, it feels good knowing there are non-judgmental and gossipy people to talk to.

    Thanks again for the reply, your advice was very meaningful and helpful.
     
  6. biAnnika

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    Hi JBH, and you're very welcome.

    Something to keep in mind is that if you don't yet know who you are, then you can't possibly be hiding who you are.

    I have issues with completion needs myself (and with overanalysis), so I may understand part of how you feel here...wanting so badly to have an answer for yourself one way or the other that you are tempted to put the cart before the horse and come out just to have the whole issue resolved in your head. But you know you are confused...so give yourself a break, and take your time before letting yourself feel guilty about hiding something from everyone.

    And of course, it isn't that simple: you can't just decide not to feel guilt and anxiety (else I'd suggest not feeling guilt even *after* you work out your answer, 'cause that guilt and anxiety isn't doing you any good). BUT, realizing that there's really nothing you're hiding at this stage might be helpful.

    The other bit regarding guilt and confusion is: who has a right to know who you're attracted to? Thoughout an average day, I notice maybe 10 different people about whom I say "damn, that person is hot!" But I keep those attractions to myself...they are my business...I don't feel like I'm hiding anything that isn't ordinarily hidden. I also keep it to myself when I say, "geez, that person is an idiot"...most of the time, anyway.

    Here's the difference, though: if I was *sleeping* with that hot person, and taking steps to make sure nobody found out...then yes, suddenly I've crossed the line into the realm of hiding things...and guilt and anxiety would both build until they reached a point where I'd need to do something about it. My point is that if you're looking at guys and sometimes fantasizing about sex with them, that's your business. Until you experiment a bit and realize, "hey, this is incredible!"...you really aren't hiding anything.

    Again, neither I nor you can stop you from feeling guilt and anxiety over this...but realizing that rationally, this isn't a matter of hiding anything...this could help you calm down.

    Or the stress and anxiety may be caused by anticipation. Kids get jumpy as Christmas approaches. We get all excited right before a first date with someone. Politicians get anxious right before an election, even if they're the clear front-runner. If you feel impending same-sex experimentation on the horizon (especially if you have that completion thing I was talking about), this could well be a reason for increased anxiety...and the associated physiological symptoms. In that case, the only antidote is to do it...or put it off so long that your body adjusts...but why the heck would you do that??

    Feel free to write me as well, if detailed conversation would help. Continued best wishes!
     
  7. JBH9405

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    biAnnika-

    Your reply was very insightful! I really do feel like you understand my perspective, and I am grateful for that.

    I realized I was feeling guilty for not telling people an aspect about myself, which I'm not even sure about in the first place. It is somewhat silly in retrospect. I also figured out that I have no reason to be ashamed about my sexual confusion, and I have plenty of time to figure myself out.

    My stress and anxiety problems seem to have decreased the more I have accepted this fact. I have told a few select friends about my bisexual interests. While they were a little surprised, my friends were also accepting. This felt good, and has been a huge relief.

    Thank you again for your words, you really helped me through a tough time.
     
  8. insidehappy

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    sound awesome. i can relate to your story because the bisexuality confusion issues. hiding yourself and always looking over your shoulder is something i can relate to. it takes it toll. u did a great thing by telling a few friends. i'm sure it felt great you will be ok. i think sometimes people want u to choose but right now you're just in a phase where you're accepting you have the feelings and just trying to get through that. sounsdl ike you're an awesome job. keep up the great work.
     
  9. biAnnika

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    Hey JBH! (and feel free to call me Annika)

    Thank you for the reply...it was good to hear that your stress and anxiety have decreased...but it made my day to hear that anything I had to offer contributed to this! And congratulations on coming out to some friends, and getting some acceptance...that's always a wonderful thing...and a self-perpetuating one (you'll go into your next such conversation with more confidence, and as a result, it'll be more likely to go well). Good luck with moving forward!