First - this board incredible to me over the last two years -so thanks for that. Now I wonder if I might has for some relationship advice. Back story: My BF and I have been together for 2 years we are both in our 40s - he is 45 I am 40 but this is the 1st same sex relationship for both of us. I dated women - he did not. We are very similar but also VERY different so we make a nice compliment - if you know what I mean. About 6 months ago, I found him on Craigslist looking for young twinks (always his interest). He swore nothing happened but did admit to missing the randomness from hookups. I could relate to this because I struggled with missing it when we first got together. Now this weekend, I was at his house and saw what was clearly a username and password - it wasn't hidden, and I did not go looking for it. Needless to say, I found this username on a gay dating/hookup site. What I can't tell is the last time he was on. In the past, I have offered up 3-somes/ an open relationship if that was what he wanted - to which he has said no. I just wanted to know what the rule are going to be. Ok - so here my issues: 1. He can't ever seem to say I love you but does incredibly thoughtful things. Are there people who just cant say the words? 2. Do I do anything about what I have found this weekend or just let sleeping dogs lie? 3. I realize I might be hypersensitive to the young/ thin boys - prior to meeting my BF I lost like 100lbs - so I might still have some body issues in the back of my head. 4. I don't want the relationship to end but I want it to be honest - oddly its not really the sex that I care about- its the lack of discussion! Anyway I am rambling now - thoughts???? Advise?
Hmm, well, I would definitely bring it up and talk to him about it, let him know it is bothering you and hurting you. If you are hurting because of his actions, the relationship will hurt. I would try to remain open and understanding about the conversation, but let him know you need to know what the rules are. Ask him how he would have felt finding the same at your place. Make sure there's not a double standard. I dont know him or you, so I can't be more specific, sorry!
Either he "enjoys reading the menu even though he only eats at home", or else...well, he's interested in eating out. And it seems whichever it is, he definitely does NOT want to talk to you about it. Even if you're cool with it. His inability to say "I love you" might be indicative of this trait. Some people are just extremely uncomfortable talking about anything of this nature, and so they simply don't ever talk about it. I personally don't go this route, and I try to at least get some sort of tacit approval or sign that the "non-talker" knows what's going on. You've talked about threesomes and opening the relationship, and he shut you down. And it sounds like you're at least semi-cool with the idea of him seeing somebody else so long as he comes home to you at the end of the day. So you might just try dropping a comment or two to let him know that. Just make it very clear that you ARE cool with it, and don't belabor the point. Of course, if you AREN'T cool with him doing so, you might have to force him out of that comfort zone and have another talk with him. Lex
Ok - so here my issues: 1. He can't ever seem to say I love you but does incredibly thoughtful things. Are there people who just cant say the words? A: Yes, some people do not like to say the word. What's in a name anyway, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. that means that basically as long as you feel the love, dont worry about hearing the words. 2. Do I do anything about what I have found this weekend or just let sleeping dogs lie? A: sounds like this is something that will keep bothering you. so bring it up if it is bothering you. just say what you noticed, its not a big deal but you want to see where you guys are at with your relationship and what he may or may not want. 3. I realize I might be hypersensitive to the young/ thin boys - prior to meeting my BF I lost like 100lbs - so I might still have some body issues in the back of my head. A: well finding your bf is signing up for a hookup site would make anyone self conscious. this has nothing to do with you. it sounds like that's what he is intersted in. sounds like even if you were young and thin he would still eventually find his way to the site. its the thrill that gets him off i guess. who knows. dont internalize. 4. I don't want the relationship to end but I want it to be honest - oddly its not really the sex that I care about- its the lack of discussion! A: if you have a problem with discussion, then be proactive and have the discussion and intiate it. let hiim know where you are, and what you need from him (open diaglouge). find out what your deal breakers are and if you can't be in teh relationshiop, move out of it.
