I'm Finally Happy with Me: but friends needed

Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated with fellow males. I remember as far back as 5 years old being fascinated with pictures of men doing exercises with wearing an ancient version of a Speedo in an old book my brother had. I never looked at women that way. I really had an aversion to them. When I was about 12 or 13, I had my first sexual encounter with my older cousin. Just oral exploration, and I never ejaculated. But the memories of each other exploring each other's bodies has stuck with me. My fascination and admiration of other males has continued all my life. I remember a crush I had on a guy in 7th grade: I'd just watch him at lunchtime break and I knew his entire class schedule. It was the same in high school: my best friend was a handsome guy with beautiful blue eyes and olive skin. I remember looking down his shirt to catch a glimpse of his nipples and chest in class. But, I never acted on any of them-I was raised in a very conservative religion and homosexuality--even just the feelings--were wrong. I felt guilt over my feelings, thinking I had done something wrong or I wouldn't have these feelings.

I went to a very conservative christian college. There I met my wife. We have know each other since we were 18. She is the first person I ever kissed and the first person I have physical feelings for. However, my attraction for men never went away. In college, one of my roommates (who I later discovered was gay) went to see an Andy Warhol movie with Joey Delasandro where he was naked through most of it. It was my first X movie and I loved it. When my college put on Equus, I just had to see that, too. I justified going to these as "educational" experiences when they were really just reinforcing my gay side. But I was still in denial.

Along the way, my girlfriend and I got married...we have been for over 30 years. Although I functioned in bed, my real desire was for other men. I would buy Hustler magazines, not for the women, but because there was always at least one scene with a naked guy. (I couldn't bring myself to buy a Playgirl--that would be gay.) But all this time I never cheated on her, although I fantasized often, and come close on a couple of occasions. My sensitivity of my penis also diminished with age. I was suffering from depression caused in part by low testosterone. When I took testosterone supplements, I got horny as hell. Now, what to do about it....hmmmm.

To correct the sensitivity issue, I discovered foreskin restoration and through a foreskin restoration support site, I met some of the most wonderful supportive guys in the world. And, a number of them are gay men in straight marriages. And a number of them are gay or bi. So after all this time, I really started examining myself.

But the real defining moment came with my best friend on a sailing trip. He and I were drinking late at night on the deck. We worked at the same firm and we were talking about all the guys in the office who were gay. So I just closed my eyes and told him, "I'm so gay it hurts." He has a gay brother and was very understanding and supportive. One of his associates is going through her feelings as a lesbian and he has been helping her with that. We then talked about the guys in the office I thought were good looking and whose ass I wanted to grab. He recommended I come out to my psychologist, which I did at my next visit. I then went to see an old friend who is of my faith and came out to him. Once I admitted to myself that I was gay and I am just the way God made me, I felt relief. I'm not fighting myself any longer. With the help of my psychologist, I have realized how much energy I was expending just to be "straight". I have been talking with my good friends on the foreskin restoration site, some gay some straight and some bi, but all good support. And they are guys I can finally be myself with. Conversation is so easy there.

Without knowing, when we got married, she took "the pill" which has a side effect of eliminating or diminishing her sex drive. And I've been frustrated. As we've gotten older, her sex drive has basically stopped. Several years ago she had a hysterectomy because of cancer and her interest in me and sex went from zero to negative if possible. For me, I'm surviving by jerking off--either by camming with buddies or by watching gay porn. (My wife has no idea about this.) Right now, I haven't come out to my wife. But I'm getting closer every day. I don't plan on leaving her or divorcing or cheating, but she needs to understand who I really am after all these years.

I'm getting ready to take a road trip with one of my best friends from childhood. Years ago I almost came out to him...but he had bigger problems than I did at the time and I held back. In two weeks, I break the news. He'll have to deal with it for 4 or 5 days in a car alone with me. HA!

My wife and I have two kids, both in their 20's. Where this is all going to go, I have no idea. But just the idea of unburdening and living without pretension is such a relief. So, my story isn't finished. It's really just beginning. And for once, I'm excited about where my gay side may lead me.

Tracker

PS: The cousin who I messed around with as a kid now has a gay son who is completely out. Ironically and hypocritically, he has rejected his own son!!!! His coming out has caused a lot of havoc back in my home town!!! At least when I come out, I'll know who my allies are!!!

 

Just a quick update. I came out to my buddy yesterday. He was shocked...but supportive. I took a couple of glasses of wine in quick succession, but I did it. And then tonight, something I did not expect...I came out to my little sister. She and I are the closest in age and personality. I was telling some deep dark secrets I had--which surprised her...and then I told her of my sexual orientation. It surprised her. When I told her that I liked being gay, she couldn't understand that idea. But, she said that she loves and would love me unconditionally. What a great sis!