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Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LailaForbidden, Dec 5, 2011.

  1. LailaForbidden

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    Hello, all. :slight_smile:
    I know this is a well-worn topic (confusion, that is), but i feel like it might help to write it down and get your advise.
    Basically, i've mostly accepted that i'm a lesbian (90%). At first, it was wonderful :slight_smile: but there is always this nagging voice in my head doubting my gay-ness. I dont know if its just because i havent totally accepted myself, or maybe some unknown part of my psyche somehow knows that i'm attracted to guys?
    Hmm... see... there might by part of me that doesnt want to be bisexual because of the lack of community and discrimination by the homosexual community. So, maybe thats why i gravitate towards the label of lesbian?
    But then, i've always felt dread when a guy has flirted with me or asked me out. Does that mean i'm not attracted to them?
    The whole thing is a bit of a mess. I don't know how much i may be manipulating in my head without even realizing it. I tend to over analyze, as most people do, and i know thats a big part of the confusion, but i feel like i might be lieing to myself. Or maybe i'm just scared to fully accept myself...
    You see the problem? Confusion, confusion, confusion...blah. any advise? thanks!
     
  2. silverhalo

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    I think the problem is the more you think about it the more confusing it becomes and the more confusing it becomes the more you want to think about it to sort it out, so deciding to talk to people about it is definately the way forward.

    The thing is sexuality is never (or very rarely) black and white so it is easy to get confused and I was certainly for a while in the place you are now. You might be 100% gay and you might be bisexual but the fact of the matter is that the label is unimportant. You see for some people sexuality is fluid so sometimes guys catch their eye more and sometimes girls, other people are completely gay or straight and some people are 99% gay but then there might just be one guy or girl that they could fall in love with.

    The point im trying to get across (although not very well) is that actually you are over complicating the matter, at the moment you are feeling gay or at least not straight so if you want to tell people then thats what you tell them (whichever you would rather) but I think what you are actually describing is the overwhelming fear that a lot of people get when they reach the point of no return (I certainly did) and it happens once you have accepted in your own head or certainly are fairly sure that you are gay and you are about ready to tell someone and then bang all of a sudden you are filled with doubts......what if im wrong?............what if I change my mind?............what if I meet a guy and fall head over heels in love with him? Well the truth of the matter is so what, if you come out as a lesbian, you dont have to take an oath and swear to never check out or fantasize about a guy ever again, its not a one way door.

    Dont panic, I think from what you have said its most likely you are a lesbian, but try not to worry about it.
     
  3. Vesper

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    I went through a questioning phase earlier in the year, and to some extent I'm still questioning, so I know the feeling of overanalyzing and getting confused. You seem to be going through the same struggles that I had with trying to find the right labels. If I had to choose a label for you, it would be lesbian, but like silverhalo mentioned, sexuality is almost impossible to pigeonhole into neat categories. The pursuit of the perfect label is a wild goose chase that will only result in frustration and confusion, so the best thing is to take the time to understand your own feelings; the right label may come to you.
     
  4. Sartoris

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    I know this feeling all too well, 'cept I'm neither a gay woman nor identify as one. :grin: It's strange how much more confusing things are when you think about them more, but when you don't it actually seems less so. As the others have said, sexuality isn't black and white, it's best not to think of terms like gay/lesbian or bisexual as labels [specific, rigid, inflexibile] but rather as identities, something which you and you alone can choose and determine whether one feels more comfortable than another. Of course, you don't even have to identify with one if you don't want to. You can be bisexual and primarily interested in one sex or gay and still have 'heterosexual tendencies'. :wink:

    At the moment, despite my limited experiences and social interactions, I feel fairly comfortable identifying as gay because while I find women attractive and am not closed-off to the idea of having a relationship with one, what I really want is to be with another man. Whatever you ultimately decide to identify as, or not, just remember that no matter what it will take time to completely accept your sexuality and that overanalyzing any supposed contradictions will only prolong it. Just reflect and ask yourself what is it that you feel you want and remember that you define your sexuality, it does not define you. :slight_smile: