Holidays with separated parents?

This is going to be my fourth Christmas after Dad moved out. Oh, the joys that come with separation. :dry:

What we've done for Christmas:

Spoiler

The first one was, um, not so good. We always used to go to my grandparents's house for Christmas, and sleep in one big room; that year, we all went again but Mum stayed in a separate house with a friend for most of it. When she was with us, she was always close to crying and it was really awkward when she was around Dad or if she tried to be normal; a couple of times she left in tears. I just tried to ignore her – I know that I probably shouldn't have, but it worked for me.

It's gotten a little better since then, as we have not tried to do a family trip. Two years ago my brothers and I went with Dad to his parents for the few days around Christmas like in the past, but without Mum. She hated that and being "left out", although I much preferred it (she and I have a somewhat strained relationship; I get on much better with Dad, though that might be because I don't live with him). The next year us kids were with Mum until Christmas Day, and went with Dad to Grandma and Grandpa's that morning. That was more complicated as Dad had a girlfriend C and her kids were staying with them for a while, but in the end they remained at their house the whole season. I hate how Mum could tell that I wanted to be with them and how hard she was trying to make it fun for us on Christmas – it was very tense, and she still wanted me to be her affectionate "little daughter".

This year Dad, one of my brothers, and I are going down on Boxing Day (traffic galore, yay) and C with her kids are staying home. I will go visit my stepfamily on Christmas afternoon which should be a barrel of fun, and Grandma will get to cook her big dinner on Boxing Day. I'm not happy about spending the whole of Christmas Day with Mum, but it feels like things are bad enough between us that I shouldn't speak up.

Is it your place to ask your father to spend the holidays with his brothers and sisters? In my opinion, yes, but be careful in how you say something if you do. I don't know your family, but if you don't want to speak to him directly then might it work to speak to your aunts and uncles, perhaps saying that you don't want him to be on his own? Then maybe they could invite him, and if you don't want him to know your part in it then he would never have to. If you are comfortable talking to him about it, then it is up to you what reason(s) you voice – lonliness or drinking or something else.

Anyway, how to make it through the holidays with a separated family. I don't know what to say, really, as everyone has a different coping method. The main thing probably is to listen to what your mum says and try not to antagonise her as she may be very sensitive. Do your share of chores and all around the house, as this may make it more peaceful and possibly give her the sense of being cared for, which she might not have had when your father was around. If you can, try to get your brother to do the same. Try to keep your holiday busy, maybe by going out with friends or going to the theatre or ice skating or something. This may cost, though. Above all, communicate with her. Share with her what fun things you do, and if there is something tricky then discuss it. And even if you are not feeling so great, try to act normally. In my house at least, that helps a lot.

Bear in mind that I am writing this from the perspective of an early teenage girl who doesn't get along well with her mother, and my situation is very different from yours. My parents split because Dad was having (an) affair(s), though I'm not meant to know that, and so our "family" doesn't have the problems that stem from alcoholism.

I wish you many happy returns, and may it be a good Christmas.

 

You know what? Just forget about the stresses. It's the holidays -- put them out of your mind and try to have an enjoyable time with both your parents (assuming you'll be spending time with both of them). And if they start to get glum and complain, tell them, "Hey. Can we try NOT bringing everyone down on Christmas? I know the situation sucks, but you don't have to drag us all down in the dumps. Let's just focus on spending quality time together while we can." Parents WILL tend to complain about their ex a LOT shortly after a break-up... trust me, I know. However, they don't realize it at the time, but it's just not healthy to be unloading all that crap on their children. So they may need that extra nudge to remind them to keep you out of it, and if they have half a brain, they'll realize that yeah, you're right, they shouldn't do that. They should just put it at the back of their minds and enjoy the holidays with you while you're home from university.

My situation is pretty much verbatim what you just shared, no exaggeration. Hahaha. Except it's been that way for quite a while in my case... I know how it works! Trust me, just don't stress over stuff -- and don't let your folks, either -- and just enjoy it.