Okay so I haven't posted on here in a while but things have changed quite a bit. I'm out to my parents and I'm at college and out to almost everyone here. I even had a gf for a little while. I still have absolutely no idea who I am. Basically whats been happening is that as I've been more "involved" in the LGBT community I've been less comfortable with myself. I've realized how out of my element I am with other gay people. I have some friends who are gay (guys) and I hate to say it but sometimes I feel really uncomfortable around them. They talk about being gay and sex all the time and it makes my skin crawl. I've become hyper sensitive to the word gay, I don't want to talk about it or hear about it. I've been meeting other lesbians which is a lot less weird for me but still... I don't fit in. The thing to do here is hook up with people and do stupid things that you'll regret tomorrow and that doesn't work for me. I got drunk at a party and ended up sleeping with a girl I didn't even know. It felt wrong. Not to mention that physically I didn't feel anything. But the weirdest thing is looking back it doesn't even really register as a big event to me. Like I know it happened but I'm basically indifferent about it. The most I feel is awkward when I see the girl. I even remember that before we went to sleep I was thinking, "this was a bad idea i should get her to leave now so I don't have to deal with her in the morning." Like what??? is that a normal reaction ? Like I said before, I had a gf from a little bit. Well that was a complete fail too. Leading up to when we got together it was kind of what I'd expected a budding relationship to be like. And then we got together and I freaked out. looking back now I acted kind of crazy. I made up tons of excuses to avoid her. I didn't really get anything out of fooling around with her. I mean a kiss every now and again was nice but I didn't want it often. The thing is I've never attached myself emotionally to anyone. Not even really my parents. The idea of "dating" someone and making this arbitrary attachment with someone is way out of my comfort zone. I don't know what to do. I'm not trying to sound weird but I just don't really work well with emotions but I don't want to be like this forever. I want to be able to date someone and eventually find someone to spend my life with but even as I type that my mind is saying "that sounds so dumb, can you really imagine yourself ever being that close with someone?" Does anyone have advice? I don't know where to turn
When I was first toying with the idea of being gay I started hanging out at some of the local gay bars and meeting other gay people. I was completely turned off by their behavior. I felt like they were 'acting gay' rather than being themselves. Luckily I had one close friend who was gay who felt the same way about the whole scene and I could talk to him about it all. I eventually stopped trying to associate with the scene and just let it go. So I guess all I am saying is I can relate. I don't know if I have any answers for you. If it makes you feel any better though, I've noticed that college kids can be really immature, and get the idea in their head that the trashy parties and situations like the one you are describing are the only way to live. They eventually grow out of it, and grow up, because it has nothing to do with being gay, just being young. It may be that you are just a little more mature than your peers, and it's going to be a bit of a struggle for you until they catch up. Maybe it's not time to date? I'm not saying don't go for it if you find the right person, but it's okay to be single for a while until you do. It's really not about quantity, it's about quality, and if you can figure out other things to do with yourself in the mean time you will be a better person and more prepared when you do meet the right person.
