Lately, I've been feeling very unsure of my orientation. Somehow I feel like the most probable conclusion is that I'm gay, but I just can't stop second-guessing myself. I've read around on forums, blogs, and random websites, but nothing seems to capture my situation and feelings exactly. I found this website by chance, and figured I might get some useful advice and insight if I post everything I've been thinking about here. I apologize in advance for this being so ridiculously long (and because this is probably asked extremely often here), but I thank whoever is able to help me. At 7 years old, after a rather stressful event, I was diagnosed with OCD. From then on, despite having friends and being liked in school, I generally didn't socialize outside of school. While I was going through therapy, the other kids were hanging out and learning about everyone else. Even after I got my mental state under control, I had missed out on that social development—most of what the other kids had experienced long before, I was only just going through, or hadn't done yet at all. It wasn't until my junior and senior years of high school until I started to become slightly social, open up, and act like my true self. Needless to say, I never dated, kissed anyone, or experimented with my feelings. Now that I'm 18 and a freshman in college, living in the dorms, I'm a lot more social than I used to be. I've made a bunch of close friends, but I'm just now starting to experience some of those things that I didn't previously due to having my social growth stunted. I started getting incredibly confused when I started watching my friends date, and what made it extremely awkward for me was the fact that they started dating each other. Truthfully, when I saw a specific two of them together, holding each other (I've seen three pairs form within my groups of friends), it bothered me much more than seeing the others did, and I seriously didn't understand why. My initial thought was jealousy, because I had never dated. Then, I began to think I liked my one female friend, yet I don't think it was in a sexual, physical way, but rather, I think it was more platonic—as though I liked her personality and the way she acted. Maybe it was all because I had gotten pretty close to her as a friend... I don't know. She was on my mind often for about a week, but now that seems to have faded a bit, leaving me confused about my sexuality once again. Since I was 12, I feel that sexually, I've noticed the guys more than the girls. I can look at a picture of a guy or watch gay porn, and get an erection. For the longest time, this is what I've used to pleasure myself, because I find it hot. When I look at women or see them in porn, it's not the same—I can appreciate them and find them beautiful or sexy, but their naked form doesn't arouse me or give me an erection like a man's does. When I see women in person, I may find them attractive and I often feel this... compulsion (I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which might be why?) to look at their breasts, but it still doesn't turn me on. So while I find men sexually attractive, I seem to connect to women more on the emotional level, and when I really think about it, I think my closest friends probably are/have been mostly girls. I see guys and find them attractive, but the only crushes I've had (about two or so) have been on women. Yet, if I don't find myself sexually attracted to them, were those crushes just emotional and platonic? Am I just uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship with a man? Based on that previous paragraph, I feel like being gay should be the most obvious answer. I've read stories of men who were emotionally attracted to women but sexually attracted to men, and they ended up realizing that they were gay. Still, I keep questioning myself. I used to tell myself it was just a phase, and that I was just jealous of other men's bodies because I was insecure with myself. For a long time, I would feel compulsions to not act “gay,” as though I had homosexual OCD... the difference with my situation being that I'm actually aroused by men, and not by women. I know I shouldn't rush to find an identity for myself, but I just feel like this has gone on long enough. I shouldn't be scared, as I've told friends that I'm confused, and they showed me nothing but acceptance... I even know that my family would accept me. So why is it so hard to find an answer? I understand that sexuality is fluid, rather than black and white, but what do you guys think—am I (mostly) gay? I feel like I'm ready to get it all over with and come out, but I just can't get the thoughts of possibly being wrong about being gay out of my mind. Calling myself gay doesn't even scare me like it used to; I've truly begun to accept the thought I might be/probably am. I just don't want to be wrong about myself.
Now please don't take this as fact, because obviously I have no idea, but it sounds to me like you are sexually attracted to men, and not sexually attracted to women. That would seem to indicate that you are gay. Obviously I don't know you though, and it's your opinion that matters the most. That being said there is no reason why you couldn't be bisexual. It sounds like you haven't had any physical relationships... so it's going to be really hard for you to know for sure. It sounds to me like you need to put yourself out there a bit, and meet some people... guys/girls... see what happens. Please don't take my word for it, search yourself to figure out what the right thing to do is, and if you do get physical with people PLEASE be smart about it, use protection, make sure it's with someone you trust, don't put yourself in dangerous situations. You are only 18... there is no rush, believe me when I tell you this. It's my belief that if you aren't gay and you fool around with another guy (safely) and you find out you don't like it, nothing happens. You don't have to fool around with guys again. If you find out you like it then you are on your way to becoming a complete human being. Same goes for being physical with women. Just make sure that it's someone you like... and not just someone who's there.
I've considered the fact that I may be bisexual, but there's some type of physical attraction toward women that I'm just... lacking. I'm so used to the traditional idea of a relationship consisting of a man and a woman, but when it comes to two men, I can at times see myself there, and others not. You're right about it being hard having had no physical relationships, in that I find it so much more difficult to pinpoint my feelings. I've put myself out there more than ever before recently, but perhaps I still need to go further. The hard part is how I go about doing that, I suppose. Thanks for the insight--I appreciate it. Anything else is still much appreciated, as well.
Welcome to EC! Do you know any gay guys at all? Are any of your friends gay? Because it seems up until right now, your sexual outlet has been masturbation while looking at hot guys...but I don't sense that there's been any interaction between you and "guys", except on a friendly level. It's not uncommon to end up building something of a barrier between that which you desire sexually. Sort of the same way somebody can be a huge fan of a musical artist, but when the opportunity to meet that artist presents itself, that person can get exceptionally shy and want to not go through with it. And I'm wondering if that's sort of what's happening here. It may be that you're clicking with women because you DON'T feel that sexual urge towards them, and so can relax around them. Again, this is conjecture. But it does seem to fit the situation as you've laid it out. Lex
Paradocs, you say you have ocd and have you ever heard of the manifestation of ocd called straight fear ocd? Its possible that your checking for attraction to women has manifested and is preventing you from concretely feeling your true orientation (Whatever it is, bi or gay). When you perform a compulsion, how does it make you feel? From what your describe you seem generally oriented towards same sex attraction but seem to have an emotional attraction to the opposite sex. Its possible, like lexington said, that the lack of emotional attraction towards the same sex is due to walls you have put up between you and the same sex. I have a friend who says he experienced the same thing... he felt he could be emotionally close to a woman but never sexually close. As it turned out, as he got closer to men he discovered he felt closest to the same sex in the end.
Well, you'd be right that I haven't done anything with guys other than be friends with them. I don't currently know anyone who's strictly gay here at college, but I do know that one of my guy friends is bi, though we haven't really hung out much lately. From high school, however, I can think of three guys off the top of my head that were gay. I was friends with one of them for a while when we had class together junior year, but after that we didn't talk much. It's not that I'm afraid to be around them; they just don't often happen to be in my group of friends. I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable around straight guys, either, but you may be right that I've barred myself off from my sexuality due to being... unsure and perhaps a bit awkward about it deep down. I can think of times where I've noticed certain things about my guy friends, but... I don't know. I just felt way more comfortable telling my female friend about my feelings, since yeah, I guess I'll admit, telling a guy first would have been incredibly awkward for me. My one guy friend does actually know about my feelings now, and nothing between us has changed at all. I can't say I've heard of that, no, but it would make sense. When I perform a compulsion, I guess I'd say I feel confused. When I try to check my attraction, it's as though I can feel the woman's pleasure, but it doesn't seem to turn me on as I feel it should. As I've obsessed over it, I've noticed my thoughts wandering to men, but I feel like that has only manifested because I've been obsessing over it all. Honestly, I'm probably just over-analyzing the situation. I think I've dealt with compulsions enough in my life to be able to discern between real and irrational thoughts, thus why I think the fact that men turn me on to a greater extent and women don't really do so (often, if at all) should tell me I'm gay. I just find it hard to stop questioning myself constantly. I'm just wondering how I should handle it all. Since I seem to lean toward thinking that I'm gay, and the comments here seem to suggest that I'd be right about that, I feel as though I really should start to put myself out there more. I just don't know where to start. Unless I start awkwardly contacting gay guys I've known in the past (even if I didn't find myself attracted to them at the time), I just have no clue where to find other gay guys. I know my school has a GSA, but I'm just afraid it would be awkward for me, because while I can be outgoing and fun around friends, I'm not nearly as outgoing around people I don't know. I feel as though I need to put myself out there and come out--I'm afraid that I won't make any progress if people don't know that I'm gay, should I come to that conclusion. I feel like I could do it, and muster up the courage to tell more than just the three friends that know... it's just that lingering thought that I might be wrong about myself, and that I can't go back after I've drawn such a radical conclusion.
There's no pressure to come out... just take it at your own pace is the best route to my understanding. If you are suffering from an ocd theme pertaining to your coming out (which could very well be a factor) you need to accept the uncertainty that you could be wrong and you might well never know for sure. We accept uncertainty about plenty of things in the run of a day that we don't even dwell on, no need for orientation to be another one of those. Its hard to get to that point... but you seem very confident in your sexual orientation. All the rest of the what if questions are just that... what ifs
Yeah, those "what ifs" have always been an issue for me. I guess it's just going to take some thought... extensive thought. What feels most comfortable isn't something I can answer easily. I mean sure, I have no issues with the traditional male-female relationship, but relationships tend to have a physical component, as well. So if I can't attain that physical attraction with a woman, I'd feel like I'm living a lie--which I'm not willing to do. What seems most natural, or better put makes the most sense, based on what I'm sexually attracted to, is that I'm into men. That knee jerk physical arousal... no, it's certainly not the same for both sexes. The physical arousal is much stronger and occurs MUCH faster when I see a man. A woman... the physical attraction is weak, at the very most, and again, I still feel like that weak attraction could just be a manifestation of my paranoia. I'm not afraid that I'm gay... I'm just trying to figure out if it's that or if I may be slightly more bisexual. Either way, I'd say I'm more leaning toward homosexual. Kinsey 5, maybe, if I feel like I'm mostly homosexual? Bi-romantic homosexual, if I feel as though in the future I'd form emotional connections with men, as well? It's just complicated by the fact that I've never been open enough to pursue a relationship. I suppose I'll keep thinking things through. I appreciate the feedback, guys.
Paradocs, I'm experiencing something that sounds like the opposite of what you are going through in regards to my ocd. The attraction you are experiencing could very well likely be a result of your paranoia. Also I feel its important to highlight what attraction means. When you say attraction it could describe the feeling of wanting to be close to something. Attraction is a pretty vague term and I've mulled over the meaning of it myself countless times... I consider my dog attractive at times but it does not imply sexual attraction... sexual attraction is a more complicated matter and its possible that the weak attraction you feel towards women is also just acknowledging their attractiveness? Bi-romantic Homosexual sounds like a good start for your thinking things through and it seems like you've got a general idea in mind where you are going with this. Good luck to you in your decision and things will get better!
First of all I can relate to you completely. It's a little sickening following your ocd thought process actually, because its too familiar. I think you should slow down a little bit as far as coming out, as others have said you have plenty of time. I understand your fear of regret, it in itself is an obsession. But, you can still put yourself out there and meet other gay guys without it being awkward. I starting talking to an old friend, I found a guy who I am still talking to on craigslist, though it was in the 'strictly platonic' section, don't try to look for sex just yet, and the rest is just talking to people. For the majority of us, we are all very accepting and understanding, because in some way we've all gone through it. The GSA or anything for LGBT would help. Try looking up gay groups or something like stonewall in your area. You don't have to come out to do it and it will give you a chance to meet gay people and talk to them in person, now that you are sorting yourself out. At worst, if you don't like it, you can always leave. I hope things sort themselves out for you. Just try not to over complicate things. I know thats not an easy task.
ughhh, this sounds so like me LOL. CONFUSED! Dude been there. It's a bit** to understand, but things sort out. Just making a quick remark, because you relate in so many ways. Good luck =D
Yeah, "attraction" is pretty vague. Generally, I mean that I'm mostly turned on by men, and possibly only slightly by women (which is what I'm working on figuring out). Emotionally, I connect with women, but I suspect that's due to me never being open to any relationships at all. I'd probably form those bonds with men, as well, were I to put myself out there. As I said, that attraction toward women is what's most confusing, but you may be right that it's just an acknowledgement of their attractiveness, and more emotional than sexual. Looking at women doesn't turn me on to the extent that looking at men does, or really in the same way. I'm working on my decision still, but I think it'll be easier once I get the time to myself to really sit down and think. So close to winter break. Yeah, I might slow down just a bit. I'll have time to think during winter break, 'cause I'll have plenty of time to myself. Once I come back in the spring, I'll probably go check out the GSA--I know one of my friends has already gone, so I could ask her to go with me. Yeah, I guess it's just going to take time. Thanks, everyone.
