Forgive me if this sounds like a dumb question, and please forgive if this sounds ignorant or offensive. Also, I do not mean for what I'm about to ask to sound judgmental, but it is something that has been bothering me of late. I've read about married men who find out they are gay during their marriage. I had always assumed that gay men married for the cover, but from what I've read, most gay men genuinely loved their lives. What I don't understand, then is why do they have to leave wives? Is it that they don't love their wives the same way they don't love other men? Is it just the lack of sexual attraction? Is it simply not being able to stand being in the closet?
Well, granted I've never been married, but its simply my understanding that both party realizes that they are unhappy. Usually someone doesn't just wake up in a happy healthy relationship and go, "golly, I think I might be gay!?" Its something people think about a long time as a result of realizing they aren't sexually attracted to their partner, and are noticing other people they do want to experience having a real sexual relationship with. As such, not only are they not getting their sexual and romantic needs, but they are likely not providing them well to their partner. So both members of the relationship realize that to hold a relationship just for the sake of holding a relationship is in essence harming them, and they would be better staying close friends.
I had read an article about this and it was pretty informative. it went along the lies of a man being emotionally attacted to that particular other person but not sexually so they had misinterpreted thoughts on their sexuality, but realised after that they were gay and had to end the relationship in fear of hurting themselves and the people around them.
To start off, I'm not even sure all gay people immediately leave their straight spouses. It's perfectly possible to say "yes, I'm gay, and I'm not going to hide that, as hiding it would be lying, but I do think I have something good going on here and not willing to give it up without guarantee of getting something better in return". In fact, to a point, I think that's the way most people, gay or straight, married throughout history. they got the best option in their village at the time they were 20 (or one was arranged for them by parents), married and lived their life as a kind of pact of mutual support. With love being seen as either an extra that would develop in some marriages, or was just pursued on the side. In many parts of the world, that's still the case. In the Western World (which is where you'll get most stories about gay married people from in the first place), that is not seen as what marriage is all about, though. Our culture emphasises that there should be more to a marriage than "it works allright enough". Maybe not all-consuming love 24/7, but you should have a deeper connection. Which means that, even in a marriage founded on true friendship from the gay spouse's side, it becomes unbearable that (s)he could have all that plus love in a same-sex relationship. That not only is there better out there, but that they have a chance to go out and get it. Or, the straight spouse starts to find it unbearable that love can only ever be replied to with friendship from the other side. The doubt about whether the other partner is really wanting to be in the marriage or just settling is eventually going to sour things. Same as for the gay spouse, it's hard to stay in a marriage knowing you could have the same plus genuine romantic love from someone else. So yeah, I don't think straight/gay partners necessarily have to separate. But staying together does require a big paradigm shift in what the marriage is all about and in how to understand the other partner. Which is more stress than a lot of marriages can bear. And sometimes one that's better resolved by agreeing to just be friends than by sticking together.
Gay Man in Straight Marriage here! It's not always that easy. I was raised in a sexually repressed family and went to "christian" schools where sex was something only bad people did. And gay sex wasn't even discussed! That was almost subhuman. So I always felt that there was something wrong with me. I did have several sexual experiences with another guy early in my life, and I felt soooooo guilty about that. In high school I hardly dated at all. I was really not attracted to girls. And because of my guilt, I repressed all sexual expression. In college, I met my now wife. We are best friends. And she was the first person I ever kissed romantically--male or female. And my hormones responded, and I thought I was over my gayness: it was just a phase, right? It happens with young people. So we got married. But my feelings for guys didn't slow down or go away as I thought they would. Eventually, sex between me and my wife cooled down. But MY need for sex and companionship with guys didn't. This surprised me and I kept trying to put it aside, repress it, kill it. Instead, it thrived. So, I was drunk with a buddy and told him I was gay. Suddenly I felt unburdened. And I'm talking more and more. And feeling better and better. But I am timing carefully my talk with my wife. I have never cheated on my wife. And I don't plan to. I made a commitment to her and I plan to keep it. But, like it or not, our relationship is now mostly Platonic. Now that I'm completely comfortable being gay, she doesn't arouse me any more. But that doesn't mean we can enjoy being together--it's just that the sexual part of our relationship is gone. (There are other reasons for that. I won't go into that right now.) But as for other guys leaving their wives, I can't speak to that. It really doesn't seem fair for either person to have thought they were getting into a straight relationship only to learn that it's not there! If I were younger and sex was a bigger part of my relationship, then I would be completely understanding if my wife left me. I wouldn't want her deprived because of my lack of self knowledge. Life doesn't always hold our the answers to our identities right away. We often have to discover that for ourselves. And it may take some of us longer than others. And sometimes we blossom in amazing ways that surprises even ourselves. Please be gentle with us gay married guys.
Sexuality, identity, and relationships including marriages are very complicated. I believe the original question of this thread is coming from a place of curiosity, I do feel the need to defend myself because I feel an intense sense of guilt. It resonates with an interbalized sense of badness and a fear that I share with Tracker, in that, a heterosexually married gay man I somehow am subject to ridicule and rejection from the larger gay community for not only not standing up for my sexuality but for 'hiding' behind my wife in a pretend marriage. But I am glad the question is asked because it allows for my insecurities to be made vocal. I come from a conservative country and although my family is fairly accepting of others, I have feared my coming out would destroy a lot that was going for me and my family. And I really hoped that I would be a good caring husband... But as Tracker notes, it turned out to be very difficult.
There is no easy answer to that question. It is a complex world that we live in...albeit one that is intolerant of things that people no nothing about or are afraid of because of ignorance. I am gay and came out last June and am not planing on leaving my wife. Yes, you can love someone even though you are not sexually attracted to them. I got together with my wife because I had to do what society and my church told me was acceptable. I was attracted to her because she liked to do all of the same kinds of things that I liked to do. She was the first one I ever had sex with. We had sex for many years and it was good. I now know, through experience, that the sex with a guy for me is much much better. Do I regret marrying her. Yes and No. We have had a wonderful life together and continue to have a good relationship. Do wish my life would have been different? Absolutely! If I were 20 years younger I would be probably leave her in search of a different life, but as you get older your priorities change. I did read that 2/3 of all gay married relationships where the guy comes out end in divorce within two years. So, I read that as I have a 1/3 chance of surviving my marriage. Do I want my marriage to survive? The answer to that question varies with each passing day. Only time will tell.
If it was me, I wouldn't want to be in this situation. Once I'm out of the closet, I would be gone. I'm simply a one relationship girl and I wouldn't want to turn a marriage into an open relationship. It's possible for you to love your spouse a lot, but it's my opinion that if you're sticking with that person it's because they're familiar--it's not because you're actually happy with them. If you've already taken the risk of coming out, push it further and go out there and find a real love life. I don't think that anyone really wins in being married to a straight person. Oh, yay! You have some normalcy--wait, no you don't. Everyone else who gets married to the opposite sex is either straight or possibly a gold digger. Staying with your spouse is living a facade. It's being too weak to actually live your life and do something that will make you truly happy. And during all of this: what about your spouse? If you stay with them, it gives them false hope that you'll "turn straight" again, when you know you won't. You're wasting their life as well as yours. Cutting them loose is actually a blessing in the long-run because they will find someone who will love them for real. Again, all of this is merely opinion.
I do want to apologize for my phrasing of the question. I don't really have time to respond to individual posts at the moment, but I do want to clarify something. When I asked "Why do they have to leave?," I did not mean to imply that gay spouses should stay with their spouses. Instead, I meant more from an internal perspective, as though something forced them to leave. In order to fully explain, I'll have to briefly discuss my current situation, which I hoped to avoid as it is somewhat controversial on this site. I'm one of those people that has been said by some to not exist, or at the very least to either be rare or to have been duped by the reparative therapy scammers. I originally was going to post this as part of my original question, but I did not want to risk it devolving into a flame war about myself and my issues, and while I'll answer questions about it, I'm prefer not to derail the thread, and I certainly don't have the energy nor the inclination to convince skeptics of the validity of what I've been through except to say that, regardless of what one's personal beliefs about the issue are, I myself am being honest at least what I perceive to have happened to me. To the best of my knowledge, I'm heterosexual, but for the past 22 years I have suffered from OCD. Two years ago, I became terrified that I was I really a gay man in denial, even though I've never been romantically or sexually attracted to a man, and am only sexually and romantically attracted to women. To make a long story short, last year I came out of the closet to my family as gay and was readily accepted as I expected, but then went to a gay affirming therapist when I found myself still attracted to women, still not attracted to men, and still terrified of some nebulous "hidden" part of me that by any rational and even most irrational tests does not seem to exist. On my first visit, she realized that there was something mentally wrong with me that she believed had to be treated before I could deal with my sexuality issues. After four months, she eventually realized that what I was dealing with was OCD. She sent me to an OCD specialist and I was diagnosed. I've actually had many themes over the years, including fears of terminal illness, fears of mental illnesses, and fears of doing things I'd never do, including raping women and, when I was a teacher, molesting female students. I've been on medication for a year, and am significantly better, but it's taking time for some of the distorted beliefs that arose from it to diffuse. (The cognitive patterns of OCD result from anxiety overwhelming the brain resulting in simplified thoughts about the object of obsession.) I still can't tell you why I became afraid of being gay. The incident that triggered it was rather innocuous, and for the most part, it, like most OCD themes, seems to be almost random. As best as I can tell, the driving aspect of this fear would be a loss of my sexuality and a resulting loss of the ability to connect to women. Part of it is certainly a fear that I would lose my sexual attraction to women, the excitement at seeing an attractive women in tight clothing clothing to various stages of undress, but it seems to be more than that. Although I hate the term as it's rather vague and connotes a degree of metaphysics that I do not adhere to, women have an energy or essence that men lack that I can't quite explain. Femininity is part of it, but it doesn't entirely cover it. Whatever this is, men, physically, emotionally, and sexually, are devoid of it, and losing the ability to connect with a woman romantically and sexually would deprive me of experiencing it. In a strange way, I suppose, on some unconscious level, I'm really afraid of becoming asexual, but with the diametric thought patterns of OCD, asexual manifested as being gay. I suppose my point in explaining this is to help explain my phrasing. In this case, "having to leave" for me cognitively is being ripped away by some unknown, nebulous, unseen force as opposed to a decision reached for the emotionally benefit of both parties. In my less rational frame of mind manifests itself as a fear of finding that "right guy" who brings out something that, even though I've dug deeply to find, does not seem to exist. Again, I apologize if it came across as accusatory, as I did not mean for it to, and I hope that everything works out for the best
As someone in a long term, monogamous heterosexual relationship who is questioning, I did not find your post accusatory or inflammatory. Not to speak for Emergelove, but I think we (married/long term heterosexual relationship) are hypersensitive (at least I am) of our guilt relating to our situation - at least until we accept it and forgive ourselves a bit. Be it guilt for not having the courage to speak up sooner, guilt for keeping my loved ones in the dark, or guilt for not being more truthful with myself, I subject myself to a profound level of self torment. In addition to questioning my sexuality and how it will impact my life, I spend a ton of time beating myself up about being a bad or dishonest person. I can't help but feel guilty/angry with myself yet simultaneously unable to make it right. I think the main reason I would feel a need to leave is because of a nagging doubt that I was trying to "make life work" as opposed to taking a chance and pursuing happiness, however scary it is. Sexually, we are compatable. We share similar values and backgrounds. Nonetheless, I can't help but shake that there is more to sex, relationships, and love than I have experienced here and that I might need to be with a man to experience it. (side note - maybe just being honest and open with her might allow me to feel things more deeply and to connect more strongly, but who knows) I don't feel a NEED to leave per se. My paramount need at this point is a need to be honest and to open my mind. For moral (or selfish) reasons, I have not allowed myself to consider the possibility that I am gay while within my relationship. The thoughts and feelings were unwanted distractions that made me feel angry and ashamed. The fact that I could not share why I was distracted or unhappy made these thoughts and feelings doubly effective. Moreso than exploring my sexuality, I have a strong desire to be truthful with my girlfriend about the thoughts in my head. This desire to share my thoughts with her (as opposed to a strong desire to go out and experiment) means, to some extent, I don't really need to leave her. I think another motivation I would have, after telling her, to leave, is that I still would not feel truly comfortable finding the answer to the question of who I am and what my sexual identity is. The situation would be too charged, too complex, too fraught with consequence. I guess what I am getting at is - I think once you share that you are gay or that you are questioning your sexuality, it is likely to become clear to both parties that their is something missing from the relationship and both would be better served trying to reach their full potential for happiness. Note, I think this line of thought might be different depending on age - 60 years of age, 30 years of marriage, the priorities might be different. In any event, figuring out your sexuality can be incredibly complex. Add to the mix the love, emotions, and confusion that build during time in a committed heterosexual relationship, and it gets all the more complicated. As someone still trying to take the steps some of the earlier posters have taken, I can't help but express how unbelievable and courageous they are for taking the steps they have taken.
they leave them because they want to be with a man and want to have sex with a man and experience man on man gayness. some stay if the feelings aren't really that strong or its something they accept but do not have a strong desire to act on. they leave them because they feel like being in the current relationship is a lie and that they love their wife but not in love with her anymore.
