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Shades of Love

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Samadhi, Dec 6, 2011.

  1. Samadhi

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    Hey EC!

    I'm wondering if anyone out there can tell the future? :lol:

    (Sorry in advance for the long post I'm about to type - I'm a wordy fella, and writing like this helps me... think, I guess :rolle:slight_smile:

    More seriously: The closest person to me, across my entire life, has been my strongest and most honest friend for nearly over ten years now. He knows more about me than anyone else (even though I still have a of lot trouble, even lately, revealing aspects of myself). For a long time, we've helped each other through rough patches, and have alternated between being each other's hero. :grin:

    When he started questioning his sexuality, he sought my support and advice, and eventually found the courage to come out while studying overseas (where he was able to be himself more) - Skype is wonderful for keeping in touch! Recently, in my own struggle to understand and accept my own sexuality, I've sought his advice and support in return.

    Before he left to study overseas, we had a small farewell with some friends - he stayed the night - though nothing came of it, as it were, there was some... tentative hinting that something could have. While overseas, both before and after he came out, his social skills improved exponentially: He become much more confident, and in many ways grew into a much brighter and wonderful person than before, and had some positive life-changing moments that I'm overjoyed for him :icon_bigg

    Now, I've never been comfortable with strong emotions (especially positive ones), and would probably have rather cut my own arm off than look someone in the eye and tell them honestly how I felt. As I've been reading people's experiences and advice here on EC, and in conjunction with my practice (both martial and spiritual), I've slowly started finding the courage and patience to investigate my own sexuality, and other repressed sides of myself. I'm still quite naive in sorting out 'shades of love', but I can confidently say I've always loved my best friend strongly, as a friend.


    However, recently over the last few months, and most tellingly in one very recent late-night chat with him, I've been finding that I'm getting lots of mixed emotions when I think of him. I'm not that naive that I don't recognise some of them as being the beginnings of romantic love, but I feel there's a lot of confounding aspects to what I'm currently feeling for him.

    Firstly; I've always tended to be a bit of an outrageous flirt, even to friends. I don't get flirted back to (naturally), but occasionally he gets my sense of humour and will dig back. I've noticed my flirting has become a little more... true to meaning.

    Secondly; I'm aware that, going through my own struggle, my admiration and respect for his own success on his path is mixed with a little envy, and a part of me wants to be closer to him to share his success vicariously.

    Thirdly; as simple as - he's virtually the only gay person I know in real life that I'm close to, and now that I'm at the very least 'not entirely straight'; well. I'm also a horny young adult, and the scenario feels a bit like 'the only two gays in the village'.

    Fourth; I've been feeling quite lonely lately, so there are tinges of preferring anything other than feeling alone.

    So.. I think I might be developing strong feelings of love for him, but that they may not be what they claim to be. I'm also afraid of the scenario of losing his friendship, should I decide to act on these feelings (whether the worst-case scenario occurs straight away, or down the track if he also reciprocates my feelings to some degree).


    After all that long winded background - I know that no-one else can tell my feelings to me, or look into the future to give me the magic 8-ball prediction - but, does anyone have any advice or experience that could help... do anything? :lol:

    I appreciate you reading all of this, if you made it this far (*hug*)
     
  2. DhammaGamer

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    I think that you are over-thinking things. It's perfectly natural for friends to develop a romantic attraction to one-another. In fact the best relationships are usually founded on a healthy friendship. You should just be honest with him and if he doesnt feel the same way about you, then no harm no foul. Just continue being friends.