I am (I think... when I'm not doubting it) a straight male suffering from ocd. At the moment I'm currently struggling with the question of whether or not I am gay... and well, am just looking for some second opinions. All my life I have been turned on by women and have had no trouble being aroused even without touch. I've never been turned on by a man despite having close friendships with men and have never desired anything beyond a close friendship with men until this question popped into my head about eleven months ago. Its not that I now want to have a closer friendship with men... its just that I feel so overwhelmed with uncertainty and doubt that I feel like I've lost myself in all the questions. I've tried watching variations of porn and am only turned on by straight and lesbian porn. I know that... although I continuously feel the need to re-affirm it. Sometimes I get strange urges to turn back when I'm walking to school and watch a new gay porn video to see if it will turn me on. Usually I watch the video... feel no arousal and I feel better for a bit but then my anxiety comes flooding back and the uncertainty returns. When I'm walking around I notice both men and women... I feel like I am attracted to women... and have only fantasized about women but since the onset of this question I notice men a lot more... I can determine whether or not a man is attractive... but it still doesn't answer my question at all of whether or not it is sexual attraction. I have a girlfriend and were happy... sex is great but these doubts have made things harder and harder over the last few months. Quite a few people know about this now... and I know I'd be accepted if I was gay... my parents and close friends all told me that... and it helps... but I still can't shake the doubt. I'm not homophobic and one of my good friends is openly gay... I've talked to him about it but I still feel like I can't reach any sort of conclusion. Everything I learn leads to a new question and every answer leads to even more questions. I've tried accepting that I'm gay countless times to no avail and the doubts are still just as strong. I can barely hang around friends around more due to the anxiety that accompanies being around male friends and the intrusive thoughts I suffer. Whenever I am happy its accompanied by a background sense of anxiety and I feel flushed and sometimes stomach sick. I'm growing more and more isolated by the day and am just looking for some opinions. I'd imagine if anyone scrutinized anything to the same degree I've scrutinized this they'd become confused too... I know 11 months ago I was happily straight (Note: I am 22 almost 23) and I felt no same sex attraction prior to this... I don`t think I feel same sex attraction still today but I feel compelled to check to see if I do. I guess my question is... what helped you in realizing what your orientation? Just time, thought and a lot of soul searching? I've got about eleven months of that under the belt and still feel in the same place just with a lot more uncertainty, what ifs and anxiety.
I'm not an expert on OCD or anything like that but it doesn't sound like you're gay to me. If you can't picture yourself in a relationship with another guy, or sleeping with another guy, and you're not attracted to anyone when you watch gay porn, then you're probably straight. Maybe you were just a little bi-curious or something and it didn't work out, who knows? You say you're happy with your girlfriend and stuff so really that's the only thing that matters. There isn't anything wrong with leaving your sexuality open-ended. Finding the right label has started to hamper the rest of your life when in reality it doesn't really mean a whole lot. Labels are for jars, not people. If at some point in the future you see a guy you're genuinely attracted to, or start crushing on another guy or whatever, just go with it. If from this point forward you're only attracted to women, just go with it. Just relax and stop worrying about it, and it will resolve itself with time.
I think from what you have said that you are straight, maybe bi-curious but I think it sounds like you are straight and more it is just the fact that your ocd has fixed upon the am I gay or straight question that is leading to confusion. Im not saying there is no chance you can be gay. Are you getting any help for your ocd? I agree with the above poster, currently you are happy with your girlfriend and thats all that matters.
Do you see a counsellor or a therapist regarding your OCD? Might I suggest you talk to him or her about this issue you are having? I have no training in the matter, but when you mention the compulsions you have to watch gay porn, and turning around from school to check again, plus all the other anxiety episodes - this seems to me that perhaps you are beginning to fixate on being gay. It sounds to me you might be straight - you're not getting turned on by gay porn, and are attracted to women (boob-hypnosis is a common problem for nearly every male attracted to females! ) If you keep trying to accept something you're not, and it just doesn't fit... then maybe it's not an honest description of you? It took me a lot of patience and kindness towards myself to help me start questioning. If things started getting stressful and frustrating regarding questioning... I just let it drop. I'd stop trying to check out men or women and assess my attraction to them, I'd stop looking at porn, or fantasising, whatever. I'd go do some kung fu forms for an hour or so until I was tired, or meditate (if I was feeling up to the challenge of letting the problems be). I hope you can sort something useful from that, Debug In any case, please take care of yourself, and be kind and patient too! (*hug*)
After reading your post I sincerely doubt that you are gay. If you were gay you wouldn't say things like I've never been interested in guys... I am attracted to women... I get off on lesbian porn. I suspect that you are just torturing yourself right now, and honestly it's an experience that I can relate with.
I've just began getting help for my ocd... but we really haven't gotten into the meat of it yet. I've been riddled with obsessions and compulsions for so long and now after 14 years or so am finally getting the help I need... so getting my life back is something I'm looking forward too... whatever life that is in the end, so be it. I do like the line labels are for jars, I've heard it before but it does ring thue right now. I imagine if there were no labels I wouldn't be tearing myself apart looking for an answer to this... it would simply be. Thanks all for your help, I'll be sticking around and reading threads here... maybe even helping where I can. Although I don't think I am gay... I do find a lot of the stories here touching and motivating... and sometimes think they help since I'm going to have accept this part of me too.
It's probably your OCD that's holding you back, making you question and forcing you not to commit to anyone or anything. I would say you need to learn to trust your gut and be honest with yourself enough to not feel that you have to second-guess every move you make. I know it's difficult but at least you've found us and we're here to help. Feel free to write to me if you need further advice. Best, Doctor F.
Agreeing with most others who've posted: if you like girls, you like girls. I hear no indication that you've invented your attraction to women somehow. Is it possible you're bi? Maybe, some have argued that most of us are in some small way at least. I've recently questioned my own sexuality and found that I am most likely bi. I was in a relationship with a girl for 2.5 years before this (which just went downhill, sadly), and I didn't realize I liked guys at all until it ended. So IF you like guys as well, it shouldnt hurt your relationsihp at all. And it really sounds like your mostly straight. That said, from my experience so far, this is a great place for anyone looking for support, regardless of orientation. As long as thinking about it doesnt make it mroe frustrating for you, theres nothing wrong with hanging around, asking questions now and then, and seeing if you can relate or not to people here who are interested in their own gender.
I have to agree with most every one here as well. You like girls. Ok so thats a great spot to start from. And I think you are letting your OCD take over whats going on in your life. I know its really easy for me to say that when I myself dont have OCD nor know whats it like but I have a feeling you know just how to take controle of it. I hope things get better for you faster and know that we are always here for you if you need it.
Just out of curiousity, have you shared with your girlfriend that you suffer from OCD? I imagine spending all of this time questioning in your head has made it difficult for you to be in the moment with your girlfriend. I sympathize with that situation. The scary thing about OCD, at least from my experience, is that some newer, scarier thing would pop up as soon as you began to confront the fear of yesterday. It's more the fear and the cognitive processes than it is the specific line of thought. To speak more concretely - if you told your girlfriend, something else might then pop up as an obsession that might make it difficult for you to find happiness and peace of mind. I guess what I am getting at in a convoluted way is that - without telling her necessarily that you've been questioning your sexuality, it might be helpful to let her into the picture re OCD. We all look to our partners for love and support and it would be great if she could help you get your feet back on the ground when you wade into less rational/obsessional waters. This all presupposes you keep this stuff from her, which of course, might not be the case.
It is very true that I am feeling disconnected from reality from all of this. My girlfriend does know and has gotten very good at recognizing when I'm lost in my head... as much as she tries to help it is hard for both of us due to the isolating nature of the illness. The fear still remains despite it all... but I will agree that this is the latest of a long line of questioning and suffering due to my mental condition... its also the most severe case so far. I could possibly be bi... I've surely considered it through all of this but I don't feel a very strong sense of attraction to the same sex. The thought that sparked this whole thing was explaining a situation that happened to me a few years ago... after explaining it I heard the thought "How do I know for sure I'm not gay?" and then from there it has spiraled out of control. The hardest part of this is that I essentially feel punished for doing anything I want to do. Happiness around my friends is challenged and over-analyzed for signs of anything more then friendship and usually results in anxiety and panic. I even experience this sensation randomly over message boards whenever I receive nice comments or advice... as strange as that may sound. Once again, thanks for the input on this and its nice to just have some outsider opinions. One thing I will say this has really awakened a sense of LBGT pride in me that wasn't as strong before... so at the very least some good things have come from this!
(!) I'm not the only person on here who is confirmed to have this on here! Before I get on to my responses to your posts, I do have a few suggestions. Try to stay off this site until your therapist tells you to come back as part of your therapy. I suspect that you are coming here looking for reassurance, which as you are probably aware is something that you should not be doing as it will only reinforce your OCD. Also stay away from the OCD boards unless you are going there to discuss your treatment and techniques for handling spikes. Many of the forums I've been to become reassurance fests. By your name, I'm guessing you are either a programmer or learning programming. If so, I suggest you look at artificial neural networks and semantic networks. I've found these concepts actually helped me get a better understanding of my OCD. ! Same for me, though admittedly I had had some bad, though not as long lasting episodes before this happened to me as well. And it's that "what if" horse crap that drives this nonsense. Seriously, if I went strictly by who I'm attracted to and what turns me on, I'm straight, but the brain always seems to find some way around it. "Maybe you're just extremely repressed." "Maybe you trained yourself to be turned on by women." "Maybe everything you feel is fake, and when you accept yourself your 'real' feeling will show up." Honestly, I came out at one point to my family hoping that that whatever I was, my brain would finally shut up and just let me be happy. Also, the fact that you can say you are possibly bi without going into compulsions is a very good sign. Congratulations. I had almost forgotten that I do this, too, especially with forums. What really sucks is I've found some old friends on Facebook, and I would think every time they posted that I had a crush on each and every one of them. It's nuts, isn't it? While I'd rather not have gone through this either, I am glad that I've been able to gain a greater understanding of people from it, including the LGBT community, and most have been rather accepting of what's happened to me and have been very helpful and patient.
Nice to see I'm not alone in this, ImNuts. I will try and stay away from this site but I originally came here as self decided exposure... problem is I'm still accidentally doing rituals whenever I expose myself to something so I guess I need to get better first. I've become a semi-regular poster on stuckinadoorway but lately have been trying to cut back on that too. I do have experience programming and I will look into that, thank you. My first really bad episode was a death themed obsession around two years ago. Aside from that natural disasters and getting cancer have been my themes of choice it appears... at the age of 8 I managed to get sent to a doctor with chest pains and an inability to breath brought on by my imagined lung cancer... at the time no one really thought anything of it and its why I've gone undiagnosed for so long. I thought I was alone in this but its nice to know that I'm not. I get a combination of anxiety and feeling flushed whenever I'm getting fake attraction feelings. The craziest part of it is when I notice that I'm not feeling them around someone I usually do they come back. These sensations are what have shifted my ocd from trying to find genuine sexual attraction to trying to find genuine emotional attraction which according to my ocd will find genuine sexual attraction.
