Hello -- I think I might be gay but don't know for sure.. I am a 56 year old divorce man with 2 beautiful daughters.. I have been married 3 times.. My first 2 marriage was 2 years long each but it ended because I was out to sea while serving in the US Navy.. My last wife lasted 16.5 years.. Here's where I am not sure with my sexuality.. My ex-wife pulled the strings when it came to sex.. I am on the submissive side.. I had sex with her only when she wanted it.. She didn't like to give or receive oral and I wasn't allowed to have orgasm in her.. Once she was done having her orgasms -- I was left to masturbation.. All the time I was having sex with her and while I masturbate all I can think about is a man's penis in my mouth.. It started progressing to wanting one in my ass. Then as days go by all I can think about is a real man's penis.. I think about it all the time even as I write this.. I started to look for men to satisfy but whenever I have sex with men I would think of myself as a submissive woman. So, I went as far as wearing panties and a bra whenever I had sex with a man.. My goal has always been to please a man.. I was never interested in me being satisfied.. When the men leave.. I would take care of myself and when I have an orgasm I feel really bad and disgusted.. So, I'm not sure if I am gay or even bisexual.. How do I find out for sure what my sexual preference is.. Here's what I am worried about .. As long as I don't have an orgasm, all I can think about is a satisfying a man.. I rarely think about a woman's vagina whenever I have sex but I like being with a woman.. So, I am very confused as to who I want to be with.. A woman or with a man.. If anyone can help she some light on this please help me.. Where can I go for counseling.. Thank you
Sexuality is a spectrum, words are wind, and labels do more harm than good. You are you. That's what matters. You certainly appear to be sexually interested in both men and women so it sounds like you are bisexual to some degree. Its perfectly normal for men of any sexual orientation to like to be more submissive. Likewise, cross dressing is normal in heterosexual men as well and doesn't necessarily imply anything about sexual orientation. Its sounds like you are bisexual to at least some extent, but being bisexual doesn't mean you have to be 50/50. You may be 75/25 or 90/10. Sexuality is complicated. Go with the flow. Be your own person, and don't be a slave to labels. Good luck on your journey of self discovery (*hug*)
I agree with you J Snow -- and thanks for your input.. BTW -- there was a time I was into herbal hormones and estrogen.. There was a time I wanted to be a woman..
There was a time, or is something you still think about? If its still something that bothers you I would highly advise you to see counseling. I wouldn't want to try to persuade you one way or another, but there are still lots of people that choose to transition later into life.
I'm not sure how to answer that J Snow.. There are times I still want to and then there are times I say no because I have 2 daughters who are 12 and 15.. When I was experimenting with herbal hormones and herbal estrogen I was moody and very emotional. I even noticed my breasts grew and were always aching right behind my nipples.. I was doing this while I was still married and I got scared and stopped.. Now -- I think about it once in awhile.. Again, whenever I am with a man I never think of me as a man rather a submissive woman.. I struggle with this every time I have sex with a real man.. I say real man because I feel inadequate as a man.. Perhaps my ex-wife may have known and that is why she didn't want to give me oral sex or have me orgasm in her.. Maybe she knew something..
Transitioning is about you, its not about your family. Also, getting therapy about it isn't going to hurt them at all, and they don't even need to know until you've made up your mind. Do yourself a favor and at least set up an appointment so you can decide what you want.
It sounds like your ex was very sexually selfish. Don't worry about her. As someone said sexuality isn't set, it can change over time. I know where you're coming from. When I have sex with woman I think about woman I think about woman though. But sometime in high school when I would watch. Xxx videos I would wonder about what it was like for the woman and that slowly turned into wanting to be either the man or the woman, and even after I finished, even though I came harder with those thoughts, id have these feelings of shame and distust. But I finally talked about it and accepted that it may just be a part of who I am. If you find happiness in whatt you're doing sexual then be happy with yourself and know people think you're awesome and amazing. Don't putt so much stress on labeling. Much love ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2011 at 07:30 PM ---------- And being open sexually doesn't make you an inadequate as a man. You're a real man for being open
On a side note, here's another way of looking at the situation with your children. Having an out queer parent may could give them a more accepting and tolerant way of looking at the world. It could be good for them. No matter who you decide you are, you don't need to feel shame =)
Michelle, you make a damn good psychologist. Just saying. But yeah. Do what you want. This is your life. No one else's. Good luck
Ugh... hopefully one day. For now I'd give better advice if I stopped making so many damn typos. I need to start proofreading xD
Thank you for your inputs.. Here's something else.. For most of my internet life.. I have been watching gay porn and or transgendered porn. I never watch straight man and woman porn.. It just doesn't do it for me.. Lately I have been watching more and more gay and TS porn and when I masturbate to it I have an intense orgasm.. I have never experienced orgasms like that with a woman so I know there's something not right for me regarding heterosexual relationship.. A lot of times I need to think of a man's penis for me to stay erect.. I am very concerned about all of this..
(*hug*) There's no need to be concerned. There's nothing wrong with being gay. You should be proud you are being true to yourself. If you don't mind me asking, when you watch TS porn do you more envision yourself as the transsexual individual or as the man with her? (assuming there is a man) "Shemale" porn as its commonly referred to is actually a very very common attraction of heterosexual men, though I would imagine they watch it and imagine themselves with the transsexual woman. I'm guilty of watching it, but I've always fantasized as the transsexual woman as opposed to being with her.
There's always a man in this movies and yes -- I think of myself as the woman and never the man.. When I have man to man sex it is always me servicing the man.. I never get reciprocation.. I want to please a real man
Well that's very similar to how I feel when I'm having sex with my boy friend. I don't like to "top." I usually kind of envision myself as a female to some extent and reciprocation just kind of takes me out of the fantasy. *shrug* I'm not saying that implies anything. Just letting you know that I can relate to you in that sense.
