Not really sure where else to put this... So, today I went to a therapist. It was fairly enlightening, and I will be going back on a regular basis. He talked to me like I was an equal, rather that some stupid 21 year old. A lot was said, and it has me thinking. According to my therapist ((and I agree)) I am in a very hard situation. I am living with my ultra conservative family who will never accept all of me. This causes me to repress parts of myself, parts that I have repressed since I was very young, and as a result of this repression I have been left emotionally crippled. As long as I live here, I will have to repress that part of me, and remain unhappy. When I finally fully accept this part of me, and heal this part of me, there is no way I will be able to repress myself anymore. So, I can either continue to emotionally cripple myself, or I can work on healing myself, knowing I’m going to be miserable and having nowhere to go. Both options are unattractive… I want to fix myself, I want to be healthy, but I have to have somewhere to live, and so does my daughter. What the hell am I supposed to do? My therapist also noted that I do not belong in this little po-dunk country hillbilly town. His exact words “You are far too intelligent, artistic, counter-culture, progressive and liberal for this limited town”… The best part? I can’t leave without permission from the judge and/or my abusive, controlling, manipulating soon-to-be-ex-husband, thanks to the messed up judicial system and custody system of Florida. So I’m stuck, not only in this miserable little town, but in this condescending, toxic home… I feel like a piece of me dies every day here… it’s so… discouraging. I’m just so lost at this point… I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do anymore... I can feel myself starting to spiral....
(*hug*) I know what its like to live in an overly conservative home you don't feel accepted in. Believe me. I need to get out too, but I feel too financially reliant on my family. I don't know anything about the custody laws in Florida, but I think you at least need to try to move. Your therapist is right. You are a beautiful amazing person who could flourish in the right environment. For right now maybe you should just try to save up. Even if its not far away just having your own place would be better than living with your parents. I'd give about anything right now to live somewhere else, even if it was next door =/
It's not a great help, but I can recommend some books. When you're in a situation that you can't fix, you can learn to endure it with the right attitude. This isn't always a positive attitude, more a resigned one where you seek to find what meaning you can in an impossible situation. All of these books are about that. Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living, by Pema Chodron. Chodron is a Buddhist nun, and this book talks about how to lead a more fulfilled life without hoping for any fulfillment. A lot of it discusses meditation techniques, but plenty of it is just various slogans and mottoes to incorporate into your own life. The Myth of Sisyphus, by Albert Camus. I'm a bit hesitant to recommend this one, as Camus' philosophy of Absurdism can seem rather bleak to some people, but it sounds like you couldn't get much bleaker, so I'm going ahead with it. The Myth of Sisyphus starts with the premise that life is utterly meaningless, and explores the question of whether it is possible to imbue life with meaning. His opening line should is, "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide." The first part of the essay is entirely about whether, faced with life's meaninglessness, the appropriate action is suicide. I'm a big fan of Camus and if you like this book would recommend you read The Plague, which is a work of fiction where his philosophy is practiced by the main characters. Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. This book is divided into two parts: the first is Frankl's account of his time in a concentration camp, the second is his theory of how people find meaning even in the worst situations. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, by Alexander Solzhenitsyn. This is a fictional account of a single day in a Soviet gulag. It's very short, less than 200 pages. These are all books that have to some degree or another shaped my own philosophy of meaning. Most of them I read long before I was depressed, and would have done well to have reread them. I would most strongly recommend Frankl's book, but they're all very good. All of these books should be available at your local library.
Im sorry you are in such a tough situation, but dont give up look how far you have already come. What do you think the chances would be of convincing the judge to give you permission to leave? Can you not even leave the town, or just not the state?
Thanks Liam. I'll look them up and see what I can do about getting a hold of them. Well, the divorce will be finalized in early February, so it definitely would be after that... As far as leaving even the town, I can't move more that 20 miles without permission... so, I'm stuck here, in this town, tho If i had the money I could get my own place.
Thats tough, im sorry I dont really have any words of wisdom or anything that can help your situation, maybe when the time comes for you to convince the judge your therapist might be able to help you by writing some form of letter explaining how bad the situation is for you (I dont know if this would be possible where you live).
