<<I posted this on my blog, too. But I'm posting it here, too, to get advice.>> I chat with some of my gay buddies on line that I met through another site. Because I have NO privacy in my house (even my bathroom door doesn't lock), I use my iPad to talk to my friends discretely. And occasionally, I'll send a pic of myself to them...not always g-rated. I was planning to come out to my wife after the holidays: why put her through so much stress right now? And a new year goes with new beginnings any way. I think I may have to change my plan and come out tomorrow because... 1. My wife found a pic of me naked on my iPad that I thought I had deleted. I explained it to a certain extent--truthfully--but not with the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I patched that up for now. She said, "Is there anything else I need to know?" I told her "no", because I really didn't think she needed to know right then. (Call me a lying creep, but I did tell her the truth technically.) 2. I am meeting a group of people regarding a business venture on Friday. One of them is an openly gay man who is very active in the gay community. I, on the other hand, am I closeted gay guy and am actually on the board of an organization that is perceived as hostile to the gay community. (It really isn't, but I'm not going into that here.) So, I may have to explain to this stranger that despite my involvement with this organization, I, too, am gay and know other gay men and women who are also involved in it. (Most of you would be surprised if I named the organization, but it is actually gay-friendly or at worst gay-neutral.) So, I emailed my therapist who is helping me through this tough time. I see him tomorrow afternoon. My big meeting is the day after at lunch. So before I come out to a future business partner, I need to come out to my wife, by life partner, tomorrow night. I am sooooooooo scared. HELP! I've seen some suggested books out there to read on how to break the news. HELP! Can anyone suggest a resource? I'm hitting the library today. Any suggestions out there!!! This is going to be tough.
When I told my wife, I wrote her a letter just in case I wasn't strong enough to break the news. I waited until an opportunity came up that allowed the two of us to be alone one evening. After the kids left, I picked up dinner and went back home. After we ate, I told her there was something I needed to talk to her about. I was too upset to speak, so I handed her the letter. The first sentence started off with "I Love You". From there it went on to gently break the news to her but also explained that I wanted to be truthful and honest with her. I also told her that I didn't purposely do this to hurt her or deceive her. I basically told her that I never understood my feelings until more recently. She was shocked, upset, but it all made sense to her. The pieces fell into place. So my advice is to have something written just in case. Make sure the two of you have a private time/space to do this, and be prepared. My therapist said to even be ready to take her to a hotel for a day or two in order to keep the kids out at that point. Be sure to talk to her and answer her questions if you can. Don't put restrictions on who or what can be told to others. She will need support and time. You have to allow her to be able to find someone other than you to talk to if she needs it. I also offered to help my wife find a therapist if she wanted to. I did get her to go see mine with me on one occasion. The therapist helped to explain that everything we had and everything we did was real and not a lie. When I told her I loved her in the past, it was truthful. Hearing some of that and discussing the issues helped my wife to accept it. So be brave and good luck. It hurt like hell at first, but once things settled down, we both started to feel much better about ourselves. I was free to be me and she was able to stop putting blame on herself for our marriage issues.
Tracker - No advice per se, but just know we're all behind you and here for support. I'm trying to muster the strength to have a similar conversation this weekend. I haven't quite set a date or committed to doing it, but I am giving it some serious thought. I think, you should be comforted, to some extent, by the fact that you are past the point of no return. In your mind, you have connected certain dots you cannot unconnect. You have also expressed a commitment to yourself that you don't want to run from these thoughts/feelings. There really is only one path forward for you and it is a painful one - the truth. There are some good earlier threads you might want to read for advice: poster's named scottsulli, bwhopper, missoni, each struggled with coming out to their wives recently. I think you'd benefit from flipping through some of the thoughtful responses. Best of luck.
Thanks for the support. I wish I had a bunch of you around here to give me a big hug. Thanks for the suggestions of other guys who have posted and have gone through the same things--or at least close. I'm really glad I found you guys. Tracker
Back at you man. We're all lucky we found each other. I wish I found this site years ago. Please keep us posted and reach out if you want to talk.
I'll mention again (pardon me if it sounds like I'm spamming it) Joe Kort's amazing "Ten Smart THings Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love." The book has several chapters that deal with heterosexually married gay men, dealing with those special coming out issues, and in particular, dealing with the feelings of guilt and shame associated with the perceptions your wife has, lying, etc. You can usually find a used copy on bookfinder.com, and Amazon has the large print edition (regular edition is out of print.) Some libraries have it, but the book was never very widely distributed; some consider it too "scholarly" but it's just written for an intelligent reader. It does sound like it would be good to break the news asap. In spite of your telling her, and her apparently believing there's "nothing else", I'd be floored if she doesn't suspect something is up. Please keep us informed and also feel free to contact any of the advisor team if you'd like more individual support.
Thanks, Chip. I can't get that book without setting off alarm bells too soon. But I looked up several articles that Joe Kort had written and they were excellent. I'm feeling better about things, but I'm also reconsidering when and how. Therapist tomorrow. I emailed him about my plans to come out sooner--possibly tomorrow. He's going to stand by me and helpmeet through it. Who knows what will happen after that. Tracker
Good luck! Big hug from me. Remember that your wife will find this hard and so will you. Lots of feelings will come up and that these are feeling states that that they do not define you...that if you stay with these feelings, no matter how hard, you will find the courage to not only talk and respond to your wife more clearly, but also feel stronger. I will quote KneeDragger, "It hurt like hell at first, but once things settled down, we both started to feel much better about ourselves. I was free to be me and she was able to stop putting blame on herself for our marriage issues."
Hey Tom, It's ok to be scared. I know exactly how you feel. After seeing the picture she definately knows something is up. It's time to move forward. The thing about being older like us is that we have been throught a lot in our lives and we are mature in many ways. I think that this is the reason that my wife and I made it through this without a bunch of drama. We both just talked a lot and tryed to figure out how we were going to progress through the rest of our lives. Be thoughtful, be kind, tell her what she needs to know. Remember she deserves time to process this. You have had many many years to work through all the complexes of living as a gay man and being married and she deserves lots of time and patients. Be prepared to tell her what your future holds. She will ask that question! Be strong. Keep your head high, it's going to be tough for a while but it will get better. I'll be thiking about you. Hugs!
Thanks, guys. I'm going to my psychologist and we're going to work on this together. He called me last night concerned about me because I had mixed up some meds. He noticed in our last session I was acting agitated and impulsively. Now that I'm back to my regular self, we are going to look at this calmly today. Things have gotten back to normal with her, but.... I have to come out eventually. The only way I can have balance in my life is to really live truthfully with myself and with all those around me. Once I accepted the truth about myself, I experienced calm. When I live in truth with all those around me, I will be even more at peace. I really appreciate you all and your support. I'm really needing it. Tracker PS: I'm still scared.
I must say - from my humble, confused spot - I think your approach today sounds SO MUCH better than it did in your earlier posts. I still think you're gearing up to tell her no doubt. But the pressure to share on X date because of a work-related reason (of course not minimizing the importance of the work reason) does not seem fair to you, the time and thought you've put into this, or your wife. I think working through your plan with your therapist and then sharing with your wife makes sense.
Thanks, stilllovelyafte. My therapist and I talked for the better part of an hour about this today. I've got some clarity that I didn't have before. And a gay buddy of mine asked me some REALLY hard questions today, such as how am I going to come out to my kids! Dang! I can't even work out how I'm coming out to my wife yet! All will be revealed and she'll like the real genuine me. She might even like me more once she realizes I'm the one that's been suffering in this relationship...not her. (Although she may not see it that way.) So I'm teetering on a fence here--still. I was really hoping I'd be on the other side by now. But it took me YEARS to get into this mess...I can't expect to be out of it quickly and painlessly. Thanks for the encouragement.
Hey Tom, I know the feeling...I spent 1.5 years in therapy before I could come out to my wife! I do wish I had not spent that time, but I also feel, it helped me get myself strong enough that I could be present for my wife when I came out. I'd never know if this is true or not, but I do feel in my gut that it is. Hang in there...post your thoughts and feelings and pace yourself. Best, SP
Take your time. There's no rush. Just focus on telling your wife. The two of you can discuss the kids. I told my wife up front that I didn't want to involve them right away. I wanted things to be as stable as possible when WE told them. That's probably the best way to approach it with your wife. Give yourselves time to figure out where things are going between the two of you. I was afraid to tell my wife. I was afraid to tell my kids. I was afraid to tell my parents. I was afraid to tell my friends. Once I got through telling my wife, it was like a snowball picking up speed. Each coming out got a little bit easier. Each one went so much better than I had expected. Maybe I was lucky, but nobody walked out of my life after learning the truth. In most cases, they got closer to me.
Thanks Kneedragger, for your response. In following Tom's thread, I find inspiration too. I have come out to my wife and I am hoping that the rest of the coming out will be a bit easier each time...
