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Is life better after you come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PaisleySounds, Dec 7, 2011.

  1. PaisleySounds

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    So I'm contemplating telling one of my friends that I'm bisexual. I'm contemplating telling him that I'm feeling attraction to the transgendered student of our school. He and I are close, and I know it wouldn't change much between us. He's an observant person, and he's noticed that I have shame when it comes to discussing sexuality. I suspect that if anything he would just say "huh... I'm surprised but now that you mention it I guess that makes sense."

    The thing is... I don't know how deeply I want to get into it. Talking about looking at forced feminization pornography is just something that I can do yet. I'm worried that he will ask questions that I'm not ready to answer, and it will be really weird to tell him I just can't talk about it yet...

    Furthermore, I don't know how I feel about this transgendered student yet... and I'm not exactly sure what my feelings mean. I'm not positive that I'm even physically attracted... I mean... It may very well be just fascination and envy.

    It seems like I'm taking a really big risk by outing myself. I mean... if the word got out I feel like it would change the way that almost everyone I know talks to me and views me. It's kind of a scary prospect.

    At the same time... I have been wishing for a life without secrets for years. I'm so close... I'm an honest person about almost everything, except for my sexuality, which I commonly lie about.

    So what do you think? Is there a reason to come out? Does life get easier? I have so much to lose... is there anything to be gained?
     
  2. Debug

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    Although I'm not experienced in coming out (as I am a straight male ocd sufferer) in my experience telling people about my anxiety disorder some people will understand and some people will not. If you say they are your close friend and you feel that they will support you then I'd say go for it. Its hard to admit that you think you are bisexual to anyone but in my experience talking with LBGT folk the more you accept yourself the better you feel.

    I had a gay friend who first came out to me and prior to that he was miserable and in denial. Its now two years later and he is the happiest he has ever been. You have a lot to gain from it... I'd argue the risk is worth it if you feel like you are ready to take the plunge.
     
  3. Katelynn

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    I know that, for coming out was much easier on me, since I didnt have to keep this huge thing Im going thru right now from everyone & I could just be myself finally around everyone. No more uncomfortable silences in conversations & a lot of really supportive people who care about me on my side & there for me when I need them!
     
  4. Gleeko0

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    You said everything bro, its what happened to me in a single sentence.

    And its been exactly 2 years since i came out [...]

    @Thread

    [...] my life changed A LOT after i came out, i had a few problems in school but i still had friends (i moved) who loved me and accepted me for who i am, i have many problems at home because my Mom knows (and Thanks to her my Aunt and Grand Father too), she discriminates me and disrespects me because of my orientation, but thats something that will not happen to you...you are 27 according to your profile. Anyways, apart the first few weeks after i came out (the initial shock of my school mates) i've been great, i'm not a stupidly shy and miserable person, when im with my friends i talk a lot and laugh, before i came out, barely talked... its even suspicious to say i had "friends" because i was so afraid of everyone that i barely socialized.

    All i know is that i'm more confident for nearly everything, i face my fears and ignorance of certain people (family, specially), i'm always full of confidence and my head is always looking up, never down.
     
  5. ashlee2

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    it may be easier, it might not be. just remember, you only have to tell what you want. if you dont feel comfortable sharing certain things, then dont. you dont have to.
     
  6. FruityFascism

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    Coming out was the stupidest-bravest thing I ever did. I was more miserable but felt a giant weight had been taken off my chest. It got worse before it got better for sure, but I can say I'm so glad I did it. Now, 4 years later I'm much happier than when I was 14.
     
  7. Ianthe

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    I don't know anyone who wishes they were back in the closet, once things settle down.

    Depending on the circumstances, there is sometimes an unpleasant period immediately following coming out. But I think the severity of that, even if it happens, will be mitigated by your age--you are presumably not as emotionally and financially dependent on your parents, for example, as when you were a teenager.
     
  8. hiddenxrainbows

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    Coming out isn't easy, no matter who you tell. There's always risks, but there are definitely benefits as well. You'll feel much better once you tell someone, like a weight's been taken off your shoulders. Another good thing about coming out is that you won't have to "hide" anymore, you won't have to lie or pretend, at least with the person you told.

    And another good thing about coming out is, that you don't have to tell everyone at one time. You can tell your close friend now, and then find someone else to tell later on. I'm sure since he's a close friend, and you seem to think he won't act negatively, that he really won't act negatively. Sometimes, people are shocked by the news that their friend or whatever is gay, but sometimes they're not. If they are a bit shocked, they might need a little time to think about it and get over it. But I can't really see your friend doing that.

    And on a further note of encouragement, my friends know. I told them about like...eight months ago or something like that. And they're all fine with it. Hell, a lot of them already knew that I wasn't straight. XD lol

    So I say that if you feel like coming out to this friend of yours, go ahead and come out! ^.^ I'm sure he'll be there for you, he sounds like a good friend. And it's not like you have to tell everyone right now. Just tell him for the moment, and deal with coming out to more people as time goes on and you get more comfortable with yourself. And also, if you're not ready to really talk about it and answer questions right now, then just tell him. Be like "I wanted to tell you because you're my friend and I wanted to be honest with you. But I'm still kind of trying to fully accept myself, and I'm just not really comfortable with talking much about it just yet."
     
  9. Doctor Faustus

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    It has its dangers and it may be initially difficult, but things will get better. The first hurdle is always the hardest.

    Feel free to write to me if you need to. :slight_smile:

    Best.
     
  10. IanGallagher

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    As the mantra goes "it will get better." Even friends who people think are homophobic, usually turn around and become supportive when it's somebody they've known for a while. It's a good support system.
     
  11. Snowflake

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    Depends on your definition of easier. It truly is harder for some than it is for others. I believe that living a lie or living in constant hiding is not healthy for anyone. I did it for years and just couldn't do it anymore. For me coming out meant that that I could breathe for the first time. I no longer feel like I'm living someone else's life. Being out for me personally feels like I have integrity. I live in a strongly mormon dominant society at the moment (and was raised mormon as well), meaning I am met with a lot of disapproval and have lost quite a few people that I love with all my heart, but in the end, I'm okay with people disapproving or disliking me (or my "lifestyle", as it's put often) as long as it is for the true me. I am done living a lie. And yes, that alone has made everything better for me.
     
  12. Marlowe

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    You say that you have a lot to lose and I think the key thing is to try to decide what these things are. Saying such a blanket statement can be overwhelming, but identifying specifics and analyzing them can help. So is it the white picket fence? Because that absolutely doesn't have to do away. On the other hand, think about what you have to gain. You will feel more open and not just about your sexuality. While you may think that you are open, you still have to learn to defend this secret and part of that is closing yourself off from others.

    On the other hand you should forget all of that. Don't worry about contingencies. If you are bisexual then regardless of these contingencies this will be a constant. You can either embrace it and live openly or you can hide your secret and spend a life worrying about others finding out. How you weigh these two realities is your choice, but I can tell you that in my experience I decided that it had taken a great emotional and mental toll on me and that I could not hide it any longer.
     
    #12 Marlowe, Dec 8, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2011
  13. missyjustice

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    I think that whether or not coming out will be a good experience is entirely subjective and differs so much from person to person. Like me coming out to my mother will be a totally different experience than me coming out to my friend who is also a lesbian. So like it totally depends on who you're coming out to and their perceptions on LGBT persons and the kind of relationship you have with them. it's also very much dependent on your own expectations and your reasons for coming out. when i came out... i didn't have any expectations in terms of how others will react. so i wasn't deeply invested into the outcome. what i mean is that i didn't come out looking for acceptance persay. I wanted that surely. But i came out because i wanted to feel free and i wanted to be myself. I was tired of hiding the person I am and I felt like it was a safe time for me to do so. Safe in the sense that the people I chose to come out to were people I knew would support me and also I knew that even if they didn't that it wouldn't destroy me.

    The people I have chosen not to come out to are people that I know for sure are homophobic like my mother and my roommate. I don't want to place myself in a situation that's going to cause me to go into depression or anything like that so I've decided that I will wait until I have more support and am more independent (financially especially) before I come out to those people.
     
  14. Debug

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    Marlowe raises another really good point I think. Blanket statements such as you have everything to lose will just make it harder to come to terms with things. The better question is what do you have to lose. Weight the pros and the cons of your situation and go from there! :slight_smile: