Up until recently I had been really optomistic and things seemed to be getting better for me since I came out 6 months ago. But the last few days I found myself feeling really depressed, due to several reasons (see below). It just seems like all of a sudden I started feeling so hopeless and I cried for the first time since before I came out to my parents this summer (outside of getting emotional occasionally reading posts on EC). I don't know why specifically these feelings overcame me so rapidly. I feel a little better today after letting go of some tears, but still feeling kind of down. Has anyone else on here experienced this weird re-surge of depression after coming out (especially after things seemed to be going good for the most part)? The two big things bothering me now are the lack of prospects for relationships/dating and regaining focus on my schoolwork. On both of these counts I feel stuck in a rut. With regards to dating, it's the same rut I've always been in. I haven't been able to get over my crush on one of my friends, who both myself and my bisexual friend are convinced is deep in the closet. I have come out to my crush, but my bi friend hasn't yet. Both my bi friend and I decided that all we can really do is be open about ourselves when we're around him and talk of our experiences (especially mine with dating girls), and hopefully something will resonate with him and he'll be able to come to terms with his sexuality somewhere down the line (and realize that he has people he can talk to about his feelings). Recently there were some things that seemed promising in that he had been asking my bi friend a lot of questions about me being gay and my dating situation, and happened to bring up the 1/10 statistic about LGBT people. Given that he fits into the jock-redneck stereotype, it seems odd that he's asking these questions in private about me and the 1/10 thing makes me think he's looking around online at LGBT sites. But the reason I developed a crush on him in the first place, physical appearances aside, was because I noticed certain behaviors he displayed when he was with me that don't fit the type of person he portrays himself as being to everyone else (his behavior reminds me of myself when I was closeted). And since coming out, he hasn't freaked out and still sits physically close in class and while studying (I still get the weird vibes, prolonged eye contact, smiles, awkward pauses in conversations like before I came out). But the last couple of weeks plans to hang out with him and insert certain topics into conversation have fallen by the wayside, mainly since the semester is coming to a close and we're all super busy. He has been dating a girl since the spring and it seems somewhat serious, but from what I've heard about him he doesn't seem like the committed type (which fits my theory about what he is). However, my worries are that without influence from myself and my bi friend, he'll end up being pressured by his redneck jock friends, family, and girlfriend into the marriage/kids route like so many other closeted gay guys I've read about on EC and other sites. This, on top of feeling like the initial crush feelings have developed more into genuine love/caring for him, is the thing most depressing me at the moment. I've never felt so much for a person and its driving me insane not being able to be with him (I've had crushes in the past, but none as intense as this). If he is gay I want to be able to help him, along with enabling the possibility of having more than friendship with him. There's not an hour in the day that goes by without me thinking about him. On top of my crush/love for this guy, I went on a date with another guy over a month ago that went nowhere. While he is a nice guy and all, the feeling I had for him wasn't the same as when I had first met him at a party previously. There wasn't a spark there. I felt like I was forcing the situation because of my loneliness. He also was out of the closet less time than I had been and wasn't interested in dating (I've learned since then that he considers himself an asexual). Since then I haven't met any other prospective dating material. I went to some of my school's LGBT organization meetings, but most of the guys are not my type (too young, too effeminate for my taste). And, the LGBT friends I've made have all been too busy to really hang out with and learn about friends they have that might be my type. Both my bi friend and my straight (girl) best friend are both in good relationships right now and as happy as I am for them, I feel like the odd man out once again as I have felt my entire life. I'm still holding out some hope for something to happen with my crush (if and when he decides to come out), but it just seems so god damn hopeless. The last few days I have just felt like I'm never going to find someone and continue to wallow in my loneliness. Sure I have good friends and I've made progress emotionally since coming out, but just seeing everyone else being able to enjoy their lives with someone else while I continue to be alone makes me so depressed. And then comes the issue with trying to regain focus on my school work. Dealing with being closeted and coming out in grad school has not been fun, along with various logistical problems with my program. After coming out I was able to get some clarity and focus back on my thesis project and I am finally making strides towards finishing it up, but all of these thoughts about my crush and being alone make it so fucking hard to concentrate. I keep trying to tell myself that what I need to do is focus on the things I can control in my life (like my school work), but my focus is not coming back as quickly as I thought it would once I came out. Before grad school I excelled at my school work and always had the focus to get things done by deadlines. When I got here though, I was handed a project and expected to care about it, when for so long I had denied myself the opportunity to care about things like my sexuality and romantic feelings. After coming out during grad school it seems like I have to find myself again while being expected to get my damn thesis done at the same time (which I need to get done in order to move on with my fucking life). In addition, I've been thinking about how I'll be received by relatives over the Christmas break while my family and I go to visit them in Texas. I know my aunt is supportive of the fact I'm gay (she told my mom she loves me as she does her own children), but my uncle is a pretty conservative guy and I don't know what his views towards gay people are or if his views would change knowing now that I'm gay. I'm pretty sure my cousins will be cool with it, although my one cousin's husband is a redneck jerk (hopefully they won't tell him about me). In the past they had given me heteronormative gag gifts for Christmas, like a boob-shaped pillow last year. So, I don't really know what reactions to expect while we're visiting them. At least my parents are supportive of me being gay though, so there will be people that have my back. Going back to Texas after coming out will also be weird, since it was on our first trip there back in 2000 that I first had the epiphany that I was gay. Anyways, long-ass story short, there's lots of stuff on my mind to make me feeling depressed, but I'm just surprised that these strong emotions came upon me almost out of nowhere. I guess I have a tendency to bottle shit up inside.:icon_sad:
Awww *hugs* we can both cry together because yea i had a sudden spout of depression not too long ago, that was about 2-3 weeks ago and i saw a councellor. I do recommend getting one because they are helpful even if for one session. It does help you get all of your emotions out and yea just get one i assure you it will be productive.
Hmm...grad school in Arizona? Me too...we might be running in some very similar social circles. Anyway, to approach the two issues you bring up here. Getting entangled in a crush that has no way of reciprocating your feelings is always a challenging thing to do. Two things I'd suggest about this: 1) You may want to explore the possibility that he is, after all, straight, or at least happy with the idea of being with a woman. Unless there's something you've left out of the post here, I don't see any objective evidence for him being gay (lots of my straight friends ask about what it's like for me to be gay - and some of them are people I, and lots of others, were "certain" were gay. They're very happily married now.). Of course I don't know the guy so I don't know what you're going off of, but from what you've said, he's never come out to anyone (even given the opportunity of a welcome audience), coming out to him didn't change how he acts around you, and he's dating a woman. Now, granted, some gay men might fit this profile, and all my ideas are at second hand, but at a certain point I think we can call a spade a spade. 2) I find this moment in your post particularly interesting: You seem to be mingling a desire to date him with a desire to "help" or "fix" him. These two things very rarely work together, and certainly not when one person goes into the relationship with this as a goal. If you really think he's gay, and genuinely needs help, focus on that first and leave the dating on the back burner. It will be better for him, and if things do work out for you two, it will be better for the two of you in the long run. As for school work, I hear you more than you know (speaking from current personal experience here!). Graduate school is very, very hard - don't ever underestimate the toll it can take on your emotional and even physical life. The "logistical problems" with your program that you mention and the coming out experience, coupled together, would be enough to drive anyone nuts - I say, pat yourself on the back for anything you manage to accomplish, as you're probably doing better than you realize. Don't sweat the thesis too much, it'll get done - sounds like a weird thing to say, I know, and I'm not advocating stopping work on it, but just take it a day at a time, one task at a time (track down this footnote, request this article, etc.), and you'll finish it eventually. So, to conclude, I think having sudden bouts of depression in this context is totally normal. You're placing huge amounts of stress on your shoulders - you have the regular grad school craziness ("I have to get this thesis done, now!"), plus coming out ("I have to deal with my family and finding myself, now!"), and saving your crush from himself on top of everything ("I need to figure out how to save him from his family, now!"). Sit back, take a breath, and relax - all of this will happen in its own time, believe me.
Thanks for the advice and support guys! I really appreciate it! (*hug*) After my crying bout I did feel a little better overall and a few events in the last 24 hours helped a lot too (note: I still might see a counselor, but it will probably be after I get back from visiting relatives in Texas over the holidays). For starters, last night the old friend from high school that I friend-ed on Facebook who I hadn't spoken to in 6-7 years, chatted with me last night and I came out to her. She took it well and was very supportive. It was interesting to hear that she also had been running from her past, moving far away from our hometown after high school as I had. It kind of helped to let go of some of the shit from the past while chatting with her. Then, this morning my dad called me before I went to class to talk to me about my depression (I had been talking to my mom about some of it the night before my breakdown/crying bout). Talking to him also helped since until now I hadn't told him about some of the stuff going on in my life now, specifically with the crush thing (I guess I still feel uncomfortable talking to straight males about that subject). He continues to amaze me with how supportive he is of me being gay. Finally, this evening I met up with friends from my undergrad that I hadn't seen in a while, some for ~2 years, at a xmas party. I had planned on coming out to all of them, but the situation never presented itself when everyone was around and the room was also filled with rednecks and old professors. BUT, my one friend gave me a ride home afterwards and I came out to her. She might have been slightly surprised, but she didn't show it and was really super supportive. I told her it was more than okay if she told our other friends if she felt compelled to, so probably the friends that were there tonight will know pretty soon. Similar to the high school situation, after my undergrad I didn't keep too much in contact with folks (more running from my past). So, in the last 24 hours I finally came out to people from my high school and undergrad pasts! Finally coming full circle! In regards to the crush issue, as much as I think he is closeted and want to help him if he is, I certainly realize that I can't force anything upon him. The only strategy I have is to just talk openly about my experiences while around him and if he is questioning, then maybe hearing these things will help him out in the long run. And if he were to come out to me or my bi friend, I would never take advantage of him while he was in an emotional state. I'm not that type of person. I plan on being there foremost as a friend that he can talk to and seek advice from if he decides to come out. I would only pursue something more than friendship if he indicated that he was interested (again, if he is in fact closeted and were to come out). I have given serious thought to the fact that I might be deluding myself and crushing on a straight guy, but the way he acts around me does seem different than he acts around other friends. There always seems to be some underlying awkwardness/nervousness when he's talking with me (I noticed this months before I came out to him). I've noticed that whenever he begins a conversation with me he always starts to say something, but then pauses a moment before actually speaking. This insecurity doesn't seem to fit with someone who otherwise appears to be confident in conversation with others (although given this seeming insecurity it's a false sense of confidence). As I mentioned in the above post, his behavior around others reminds me of the behavioral facade I constructed for myself while I was in the closet. I copied the behavior of others to fit in and tried not to raise any eyebrows by constantly acting like I was hetero. As far as him not treating me differently since coming out, the only thing different was the next time I saw him in class after coming out, he thanked me for reminding him about something we hadn't talked about in a week (the first thing he said to me after we both sat down). Since then it was just been normal convo and he still sits next to me in class (he is the one that chose to sit next to me, not the other way around), and has even gone to eat lunch with me one-on-one (of his own suggesting too). And I still get the intense eye contact (sometimes I think I've caught him looking at me while we're sitting in class too). I do realize that my observations are just circumstantial evidence and nothing definitive, but the 1 out of 10 statistic does seem like the biggest red flag. When I heard that he had mentioned the 1/10 thing to my bi friend, both my bi friend and I discussed how we had never heard of that stat until we were looking at gay sites online when we first started coming out. Sure, he might have overheard it from someone else, but it still is not that well-known a stat outside of the LGBT community (given that most of his friends are even more stereotypical rednecks than he is, I really fucking doubt that they would have been the ones to quote such a statistic). Also considering the types of people he associates with and his background, my guess is that he hasn't been exposed to gay people in real life that often (if ever). So, it doesn't surprise me much that he hasn't approached me yet if he is indeed closeted. Once my bi friend comes out to him (which he is planning on soon), hopefully he'll realize that he does have people he can talk to if he is something other than straight. Of course I don't know what he actually is, but I do get the feeling that he is not 100% straight. All I can do is be open about myself around him and share my experiences in the hopes that something strikes a cord with him. If I am truly deluding myself into falling for a straight guy, then I have nothing to lose by doing this. He hasn't really treated me differently since I came out, so I'll still have him as a friend. If nothing ever progresses beyond friendship between us, I wouldn't stop being friends with him; I'll just have to find someone that I feel as passionately about (and who I know is gay). Sucks that the straight-acting ones seem to be my type though!
