I've always thought I was straight - I've only ever been attracted to men. I didn't date a whole lot early on but mostly because I'm quiet and don't tend to form relationships. I got married (to a man) 10 years ago but haven't been happy for a long time. Recently I got to a point where I felt that I couldn't continue going through the motions so I told him that I wanted a divorce. He was shocked and upset at first and left for a week to think about everything. While he was gone one of my female friends confessed that she was in love with me and I realized that I was in love with her too. The problem was that she was also married (to a woman). I knew it was wrong to have these feelings but they were so strong and it felt so right that I gave in to the weakness. (This was an online relationship - we talked and IMed a lot but never met). Her wife had known all along and finally confronted her. She admitted everything and they decided to work on their relationship. Part of the condition was that she had to cut off all contact with me. I know this is the right thing but losing her hurts so much. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. So now I don't know who I am or what to do. I've never been attracted to women but the connection I had with her was the most amazing experience I've ever had. I wasn't happy being married and I really don't want a relationship with another man. I've sometimes felt a closeness to my female friends that I've never felt with a man (although until now it's never been anything more than friendship) so it seems like that sort of relationship would be the best of all possible worlds. All of this has just happened so it may not necessarily be the best time to be worrying about it. I still hurt a lot and just wanted to talk to someone. Thanks for reading.
First of all, welcome to EC! Sorry to hear about all the turmoil - this sounds like a lot to have on your plate. (*hug*) For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing talking to your husband. If those were the feelings you were having, staying silent about them would have been no use for anyone involved. As for your friend and the feelings you gave into there, I don't think there's a lot to blame yourself for, either. This was far from casual for you, as it involved a (at least partial) confirmation of a major identity issue you've been dealing with - plus, you weren't the one in a relationship. I can also understand your friend's and her wife's need to work on things though - this will be a major event for them, but hopefully they'll at least come to see what it provided for you. It sounds like, in any case, women are coming to form a major part of your sexuality. It sounds like you're being very honest with yourself, which is good. I hope it goes well for you!
Hi, and welcome. I'm sorry that your first experience of being interested in a woman ended in such heartbreak. This, as Gravity said, is a lot for you to have on your plate at once. It will probably take you some time to heal from this. I'd suggest that you focus on the situation with your marriage, and recovering from the loss of your love interest, before trying to tackle the issue of your sexual identity too much. These two situations are so emotionally volatile in their own right that it may be too confusing for you to try to deal with anything else for the moment. Please feel free to continue posting here, of course - we're happy to give you support on any of these topics.
