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Parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cliodhna, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. Cliodhna

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    The first person I came out to was my mom, and I expected her to have a decent reaction and she seemed to. But now, two and a half years later, I'm seriously beginning to question that.

    I came out as bisexual, and I still feel that label mostly fits, even though I prefer women. My mom has made several comments that since I'm bi I get to choose whether to be with men or women, and that obviously I should choose men because that's easier. She knows I want kids, and thinks I'd be disadvantaging them by "choosing" a woman, since she thinks there's a choice.

    She has also made several comments suggesting this is a phase, which I have confronted her about. But she continues to make comments like "I hope you'll prefer to date men after college" or "relationships with women aren't sustainable." She's said several things that I don't think she meant to be offensive, but shows she clearly doesn't know polite/modern terms for the LGBT community. Like she said "gay lifestyle" the other day, and thinks that LGBT people are less stable than straight people.

    My current girlfriend lives an hour away (I'm in college and live off campus, not with my parents), so when she comes to visit me, she spends the night. However, we have NOT had sex - we didn't want to get into that too soon. My mom's picked up on the fact that she's spending the night, and even though I've told her we haven't had sex, she's commented "You didn't do things like this so soon when you were dating men, and you had very good reasons not to." My freshman year, I dated a guy that lived in my dorm and while I never told her explicitly about things like him spending the night in my room, she's not dumb about that type of thing. I think she's putting on blinders if she thinks that I'm more sexually active with women.

    On the other hand, my girlfriend has been invited to spend time with our family over winter break. My mom justifies what she says to me by saying if I were outright gay, she wouldn't make these comments, but since I'm bi she feels like she needs to help me think about whether to "choose" a man or woman. But her other comments lead me to believe she really hasn't done any looking into our community, or knows much about what our challenges really are... basically, zero understanding of queer theory. And she hasn't been very open to learning more - she says I'm too young and optimistic and that after experiencing marginalization and discrimination for a few years I'll realize being straight (aka "choosing" to spend my life with a man) is better.

    The thing I don't get is her favorite cousin is lesbian, and our church was always really welcoming of LGBT people, so my whole family's been surrounded by the LGBT community for quite a while. I can't decide how problematic this behavior is, and if it's worth confronting her about. Thoughts?
     
  2. ChutneyFarmer

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    Remember: being bi doesn't mean having to choose. While it's not your mum's place to try and offer guidance on this, she probably does this because she loves you and is worried about you.
     
  3. EM68

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    It sounds like she does not understand the nature of being bi. Meaning that being bisexual and orientation just like being gay or straight. You may want to explain to her that sexuality is fluid on a spectrum. On one end is straight the other end is gay. The middle is bisexual. You may want to talk to your cousin that is a lesbian. She might be able to talk to your mom and explain things further. Good luck!