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D-Day Approaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stilllovelyafte, Dec 8, 2011.

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  1. stilllovelyafte

    stilllovelyafte
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    So, as any reader of my posts has probably noticed, I've been dithering in my confusion for a while now. Fortunately, I've made a lot of progress since my earlier posts. I'm slowly opening my mind up to the idea that I am gay/bisexual, and I'm allowing myself to think about these issues in ways I never had. All of this hard work notwithstanding, I still cannot say to myself "I'm gay" or "I'm bi." I came out to my mom two weeks ago and told her I was "questioning my sexuality." I did not withhold any details of the emergence or legitimacy of my questioning, I just didn't feel honest making a bold, declarative statement that I hadn't accepted.

    As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm currently on a "break" from a 7+ year relationship with my loving girlfriend. We had set mid-December as the time to reevaluate where we stand. We've both been permtted to see other people, but I think we've both been restrained given the uncertainty about us.

    I wanted to get your advice on the following: if I just tell her, I'm unable to commit at this time, our relationship will be over. She'll move on and meet someone, and I will have more free time to overcome my doubts and finish connecting the dots. It will undoubtedly be tough to just let her go after all of the time we spent together, but it would be "safer" for sure and I could continue dealing with my questioning at my own pace. It might even be easier for her to process? (though I doubt this). Sharing that I am questioning can be confusing, open ended, and scary. It also leaves me in a pretty vulnerable spot, as she might interpret it in ways that are different from my thinking. She could also mess with my process - demanding I share more, take more steps, give her answers.

    On the flip side, 7+ years! She gave me so much of her life, and she trusted me with everything. My sense of honesty/fairness/morality suggests I should probably tell her that the reason I needed to take a break was because I was questioning my sexuality. I think this may also be an important step for me in terms of overcoming the paralyzing guilt I feel for having kept this from her... For much of the relationship I had a secret I could not share. I knew I either needed to (i) tell her my secret or (ii) end the relationship. I chose neither and just kept pushing forward until she got fed up with my inability to commit and we took a break. Essentially, I spent years ducking action, and in all likelihood, I will duck it again now. From a personal development standpoint, would I benefit from telling her?

    My mom, who has been incredibly supportive, is sort of cautioning me against telling her. "You don't know what you would tell her", "Chances are, after you tell her, she will likely leave, even if she is supportive, so I don't know where this gets you", "It might be better in terms of your "process" for you to deal with this at your own pace - this might push you forward before you're ready."

    Would it be better for her to know the truth? Is it the "right" thing to do to tell the truth? Is it bad for me to share my confusion? Will it mess with my process to take this step?

    I'm so torn - please provide any insight or advice (and I know I've asked some variation of this question before, so please forgive me for making you repeat yourselves) - I am SO MUCH closer to action than I was when we were speaking in hypotheticals before.
     
    #1 stilllovelyafte, Dec 8, 2011
  2. Tracker57

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    I'm feeling your pain from a guy who didn't break things off and lunged ahead. All that did was keep me from accepting myself and I dragged a bunch of other innocent people along with me.
    If you're breaking up with her, will she benefit from knowing that you're gay? You may not even stay connected after you break up...christmas cards and birthday cards for a while maybe? Luckily, it's just you and her and no kids.
    To marry or stay with a woman just because she has invested time with you is like the person playing the slot machines. No matter how many quarters you put in, it rarely pays out. If she invests MORE time with you, is she going to get a return on her investment? Very doubtful.
    Just a couple of thoughts from a guy who's 35 years into a relationship. And having similar thoughts.
     
    #2 Tracker57, Dec 8, 2011
  3. Emergelove

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Hi there,
    I can empathize with your agony, and feel your pain of not only feeling the pressure to make a declaration that seemingly cannot be then taken back but also having pushed forward thus far. I found it the guilt very hard in my own version of that experience as a married gay man. But, the support from EC members did make me realize that all the while, I could not see that I did and still do care about my wife and that it is not completely my fault.

    Personally, having just come out to my wife, my advice differs from your mother, and I'd advise that you tell her the truth that you are questioning your sexual orientation and that is why you needed the break. And also tell her, what I find quite apparent in your post, that you deeply care about her and do not intend to hurt her, although she will likely feel the pain. Since the time I came out, 6 days ago, I am nowhere closer to knowing what our future will be. However, I feel a sense of relief that allows me to think more clearly. Also, my wife and I have agreed to be more honest about ourselves and our needs and this feels much safer and better.

    Having offered my opinion, I also recognize that although there may be commonalities between our situations, each situation is unique and there is no right or wrong path...It is quite likely that your coming out will only lead you to discover surprising things about you and your girlfriend that you may never know otherwise. And your choosing to end the relationship without coming out will allow to discover other aspects of you and give you more time to think about your sexuality. In either case, in my opinion, there will be loss and mourning.

    But it does seem to get better...and this despite the fact that I am quite new to this...

    Hoping the best for you,
    SP
     
    #3 Emergelove, Dec 8, 2011
  4. stilllovelyafte

    stilllovelyafte
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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    You guys are awesome. Thanks again. Anyone else have thoughts on this?

    Re Emergelove:
    What sort of reaction were you expecting? Did you just sit her down and tell her? Did she react differently than expected? You seem quite relieved at having taken this step. In telling her the truth, how honest were you about the origins of your thoughts and feelings? Of course, if you're being honest, honesty is paramount, I just wonder whether I'll open up a whole can of worms by mentioning, I first started thinking about this nearly a decade ago!

    Re Tracker
    I agree. I know I can't push forward. If I were to push forward, the least I'd need to do would be to be honest with what's in my head.
    I don't know if she'd benefit from knowing I am questioning my sexuality. I think it would be the piece to the puzzle she doesn't get. Why does a couple who shares values, enjoys each others company, and never fights, inexplicably break up? Why does it seem he has more to tell me that he won't? Also, she'd know it was me, not her. On the flip side, it is probably very confusing and opens up other issues - should I have known? How could I have not known? Was he fooling around behind my back?

    I guess - it's less her knowing I'm gay per se, but it's letting a loving relationship lapse in an open-ended dishonest way. I guess I'm more concerned about what it says about me that I just let this fade away rather than give us both some closure.
     
    #4 stilllovelyafte, Dec 8, 2011
  5. Emergelove

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    We were talking before going to bed. I told her I need to tell her something that I don't know how to say because it will hurt her. I told her how ashamed I feel. She seemed anxious but patient and I told her that I am gay. I had thought, I'd never be able to then see her in the eye or even be in the same room due to the shame. But instead, she hugged me tight and cried, and within a split second I felt a huge surge of feelings and we both cried for 1-2 hours...we talked. I realized how I never meant to hurt her...After the emotions subsided, like they always do (as biologically it is impossible to feel the same emotions for a very long time)...we talked about the fact that I had guessed since I was 12-13...and that I knew I was gay when I married her. Of course, she was angry. I am glad she was. But that anger was acceptable because at least it was honest...

    But she did not throw me out of the house, or hit me or anything that drastic as I had thought...
    Hope that helps...
     
    #5 Emergelove, Dec 8, 2011
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Hi,

    Well, first off, your mom's advice in this case probably isn't very worthwhile because you haven't really told your mom the complete truth, so she's operating on the assumption that you're "questioning." While that's true in a sense, you definitely sound like you're leaning in the direction of accepting yourself, and your mom may think you're still just wondering what's going on, which is a very different place, which would justify advice of going slowly. But I don't think, from what you've said, that's really where you're at.

    Second, how long do you feel like you need to get clarity? Do you maybe have the clarity now, but can't accept it, or do you really not know? Those questions are pretty crucial. If you know but are uncomfortable accepting it, then it's not really ethical to string her along any more.

    Third, reverse your situations for a moment. If you were in her position, wouldn't you want complete honesty? (And this goes back to the first point I made; are you even being honest with yourself?) So if you determine that, roles reversed, you'd want her to be honest with you, then you owe it to her to do the same. Yes, 7 years is a long time, but it could be a lot worse... you could be married with kids and have this mess to deal with. But you don't.

    Finally, you've basically said that your inclination is to duck responsibility. So ask yourself why? If it's because it's uncomfortable for you, then that's a pretty crappy reason, and not what she deserves. If it really is because you aren't sure, then maybe it's time to "try on" being gay for a day or a week... just act like you've already accepted that you're gay, try thinking about and carrying yourself that way for a day or two, and simply see how it feels. That might give you the answer you need.

    You're taking great steps, and you're also facing one of the most difficult conversations you've probably ever had. So you should expect to be scared. But remember to treat her as you'd want to be treated, to be true to yourself, and to really look inside and see where you really stand with yourself. If you have a pretty clear answer, then tell her. If you have ambiguity, then try and really work thorugh it... sitting on the fence won't get any easier over time. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Chip, Dec 9, 2011
  7. stilllovelyafte

    stilllovelyafte
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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Thanks, Chip. I suppose you are right. "questioning", while true in a sense, is a bit weak/not reflective of where I am. While I am questioning in the sense I have not accepted myself yet, the fact that I have been thinking about my sexuality for so long and these questions have not gone away, is important. I guess to my mom, only knowing for two weeks, questioning sounds like I really just started looking into all of this. I guess the honest way to put it - I am something other than 100% straight... I don't know whether I'm gay or bi, and if bi, where on the spectrum I might fall. I've never been with a man, and I've actively tried to avoid fantasizing about men, so these are answers that I'll figure out as I move forward.

    I think your thoughts on honesty are important. It sounds to me like the golden rule. If I were in her shoes, would I think that I deserved to know what was going on? My gut answer is yes.

    I worry about not knowing what to say next i.e. making this declaration and then not having answers to her follow up questions "what does this mean for us?", "do you plan to go out and meet guys?", "are you gay?" I also worry about her telling others...

    In any event, I'm sick of worrying. Is there something to be said for just "blowing the whole thing up?" i.e. showing my hand, telling her, and living with the consequences. Not the best reason for sharing, but definitely liberating in a way. If she hates me, fine. If she tells people, fine. I still have my job and a long list of books and movies to catch up on. I'll rebuild.

    Anyway, trailed off into some gibberish stream of conscience thoughts. If you can make sense of it would love to hear some thoughts.

    Again, thank you all. So close to making some progress.
     
    #7 stilllovelyafte, Dec 9, 2011
  8. Daisy1

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Hey stilllovelyafte,

    I was in your shoes about a month ago. I was seeing my bf of 6 years for the first time in a few weeks, and I couldn't decide whether I was ready to tell him. On the one hand, he was my best friend, I loved him deeply, and I've thought since I was 18 that I would probably marry him. On the other hand, I was unhappy in the relationship because I wasn't being honest with him and I felt a strong need to explore my sexual preference.

    I thought through a million different plans, and then when I saw him, it just kind of happened. I told him I was unhappy, and then I told him why. It was an incredibly emotional night. We spent the night just talking and holding each other and crying. It's the closest I've felt to him in a long time.

    The point is that I wasn't sure what to do, and then the right thing just sort of happened. I'm so glad I told him everything. We decided to take time apart without speaking, but I really believe we'll be able to be friends long-term.

    My advice is to just tell yourself you're going to tell her the truth. You might not even be sure what that is, but she's supportive and she loves you. Maybe you should tell her exactly what you told us.

    It didn't feel better right away, but it felt like it had the capacity to get better. Now, I'm the happiest I've been in months. Not because I have everything figured out, but because I can explore my path without wishing I was straight or thinking about how much I'm hurting him.

    I hope that helps. Good luck, and feel free to PM me.
    Daisy
     
    #8 Daisy1, Dec 9, 2011
  9. Tracker57

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    This follows our discussion from last night. I agree with what Daisy wrote. If you're not sure about yourself and your identity, be up front with it. You don't have to tell your GF "I'm gay" if you're really not sure. Sometimes you just don't have the answer of "yes" or "no" and a good ol' "I don't know" is perfectly fine. You may just find that she will be a good ear for you to talk to and help you get some clarity in your life.

    Good luck, if you talk to her this weekend.

    TM
     
    #9 Tracker57, Dec 9, 2011
  10. stilllovelyafte

    stilllovelyafte
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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Seems like the consensus is honesty... for the most part. Brace myself and just do it.

    I was rereading some earlier posts of mine where the thoughts were a bit more mixed between sharing and not sharing. For some of your repeat advisors, I wonder if your advice changed based on how frequently I've been posting about feeling guilty and needing to share. i.e. how preoccupied I've been by this decision rather than finding my true sexuality. Or instead, if it seems I've moved further along in my self understanding over the last few months.
     
    #10 stilllovelyafte, Dec 9, 2011
  11. Daisy1

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    If I changed my view, it's mostly because my own situation changed. You do seem more interested in sharing now, though, and I think you should listen to your instincts.
     
    #11 Daisy1, Dec 9, 2011
  12. stilllovelyafte

    stilllovelyafte
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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Argh - so I had actually made the decision to share with her. I sent her a note letting her know we need to talk. I mentally resolved myself to do what I thought was the honorable thing, but not necessarily the right thing for me. I was very nervous, very conflicted about it being the right decision, but I was going to do it.

    We discussed about a month ago that she was going to start dating (I guess we both would?). While I know she's been seeing other people - we're on a break - I think she's legitimately dating someone new. I think she'd jump back into our relationship in a minute if I suggested that was okay, but I still can't help but be incredibly hurt that it's actually A person as opposed to just casual dating. I'm still paying her rent, we still talk at least once per week.

    In any event, I'm not sure how comfortable I feel sharing my deepest darkest secrets with her if she's dating someone new. I think I do owe her the truth, and I want to share the truth, but to tell her all of this for her to be angry and then go off to see someone else? Or to just use this as her green light to pursue that relationship more seriously?

    I just feel crappy that I finally was ready to take the step of being honest and now it doesn't feel right anymore. I also feel crappy that she's seeing someone (though I know it is for the best). I also feel crappy that I'm so alone. The multitude of so-called friends that show up at my parties, etc., seem very absent these days. I wish all of this weren't so f-ing hard.
     
    #12 stilllovelyafte, Dec 11, 2011
  13. Emergelove

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Oh StillLA, I am so sorry that this feels so hard. Hugs.
     
    #13 Emergelove, Dec 11, 2011
  14. stilllovelyafte

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Thanks man. I honestly just can't with this stuff anymore. I love her so much yet can't be with her. I start wrapping my head around that and getting past it only for her to be past me (at least at the moment). I planned on telling her everything - it took me nearly a decade to feel empowered to take this step...

    Even in the f-ed up horrible mix of emotions I imagined it would be, I always thought we'd share this pain. I'd tell her, she'd be angry, we'd both feel loss, figure out our next steps. I get that in some ways this is better. I can exit stage left, and she can move on with her life.
     
    #14 stilllovelyafte, Dec 11, 2011
  15. Tracker57

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Hey, buddy. I read your posts. I feel for you, man! Just because she's dating some guy doesn't mean you can't get back together! If she's worth it, she's worth fighting for. It sounds like your questioning has pretty much ended and that she coud be there for you. Hang in there.
     
    #15 Tracker57, Dec 11, 2011
  16. stilllovelyafte

    stilllovelyafte
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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    I hate feeling sorry for myself. I'm sitting here agonizing over this. I feel like I was born ill-equipped to handle challenges of this magnititude. I know this is a cop out and, like you all, I can make things right, but still.
     
    #16 stilllovelyafte, Dec 11, 2011
  17. Emergelove

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE


    Ugh, I can empathize with your hurt and really feel sorry for how you are feeling. A lot of mixed feelings- pain of rejection, loneliness, anger, etc. This really feel terrible to you. :frowning2: And all the thoughts that go with these feelings. All the 'what if?'s and 'why?' It's hard to know what real and what's not. And then of course you sit with it, you flail a little bit and this state will softens and it won't feel too bad. Hang in there. We are here with you. What will be helpful to you here?

    I can't help but notice that you wrote you guys had agreed to take a break and see other people, and it seems that on one level that is what she is doing. As a friend listening to your pain, I wonder how come has knowing that she is indeed dating someone person has stirred up so much pain in you. Not that you need to share anything here that you don't want to... In any case, objectively, I will still root for honesty with her. That she had invested so much in this relationship and now things may have changed for her (you don't know for sure yet) But if it was you in her shoes, what would you want...

    And, honesty with yourself too.

    I want to believe that you can handle this challenge. That give us courage, too.

    Best,
    SP
     
    #17 Emergelove, Dec 12, 2011
  18. stilllovelyafte

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Thanks, SP. Appreciate you being there for me with all of this.

    Maybe it's just the reality of the situation that is hitting home. I set in motion this process, and I should have expected this outcome. I guess I figured while we were talking semi-regularly and given our history, I had more time?

    The difference for me with her seeing one person (I may be making assumptions, but I am relatively confident) is that it weakens the "us". Is she really the person for me to unburden myself to at this point? Sure it will be helpful for her in moving forward with her life - but she isn't exactly (again, assumptions) going to be there with me to figure out what this means for us (sort of the process you are going through with your wife).

    I know it's a bizarre way of thinking about things given that ultimately I planned to tell her I am questioning my sexual orientation and likely need to leave our relationship. Nonetheless, I thought I'd get my act together and share these things with her before my dithering further increased the complexity of the situation.
     
    #18 stilllovelyafte, Dec 12, 2011
  19. Emergelove

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    Of course. It feels really hard for you to 'share' her and that it seems like there cannot be an 'us' anymore. A part of you does think its bizarre, but I am thinking for a very good reason you gave mixed feelings about coming out to her. I want to pose this to tou. Why can't there be 'us' for your coming out with her while at the same time she has support and relationship outside?

    I hear your guilt and I still find myself there with you in my situation. The God-awful feeling that I wish I could have done this or that. Although you feel you should have done this or that and you should have predict, is there really a way for you to have predicted this? I ask myself that too. And I ask why this guilt.

    In writing all I want to be mindful of how it comes across to you and others...

    SP
     
    #19 Emergelove, Dec 12, 2011
  20. Filip

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    Re: D-Day Apptoaching - REALLY NEED ADVICE

    First off: (*hug*)

    Secondly: don't feel too bad for yourself. Even for those of us who are 100% sure of our sexuality, even if not faced with sudden game-changing revelations (like your GF dating someone else), opening up to other people is still a big deal and something that often takes several tries.
    So there's no shame in having to reevaluate your position and stalling a bit now, as I think that, in th greater scheme of things, it's still progress. Look at it this way: you got closer than you ever did in 10+ years!

    I'm with Emerglove on this one: at this point it's probably best to take a breath and see what you could gain from honesty. What you originally seemed to hope for was (to some extent) to relieve your guilt for leaving her hanging, to get an opportunity to get her as an ally and (unless I'm being disingenious here?) to stall for time a bit while you got more time to figure yourself out.

    Maybe the revelation that she has been using her "dating option" throws that into disarray, but I think there's still something to be said for honesty. Maybe less for her, but for yourself, it might be worth thinking of whether or not you'd have anything to gain from some manner of closure here.
    To what extent are you prone to remain in a pattern of "if only I had told her?" or "would it change anything if I did tell her?" ?
    To what extent might you still be able to get her as an ally (even if not one who's willing to wait for you while you're figuring this out)? this might be my lack of experience with relationships speaking, but I'd think 7 years counts for something. Even if you have to transform the relationship totally now.

    OK, the phrasing of the above alone is probably already evidence that I think you still have a lot to gain from still being open, if only from the closure it could give. I'm terribly prone to stalling in "wat ifs", so I try to cut through them whenever the chance. So I'm probably biased here. But it can't hurt to think about what YOU might still get from this.

    Regardless, while I'm not going to downplay the loneliness you feel, do please remember we're always going to be here to help you, if only by listening and talking!
    (*hug*)
     
    #20 Filip, Dec 12, 2011
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