just a thought? am i really gay or just a straight guy that thinks he was gay?

It's hard to say man, it really is. I mean you may not be 100% gay, but at the same time, it could be that at this time you are trying to still discover who you are. Some deal with it early in life, some later, but it's good you're trying to understand it. I wouldn't necessarily say, go get a girlfriend ESPECIALLY if it winds up not being you, though same could be said about going to get a boyfriend.
Fact is man, perhaps the pictures did make you feel awkward because you've only just started coming out to yourself, you yourself are still trying to understand....yourself. It's going to take time, all I ask is don't do something drastic by just trying to find a girl to have sex with. It's not worth starting something if you have sex and then wind up just being like "yeah this really isn't me at all".
I definitely would say see what everyone else says, but I hope my advice makes sense in some way or another and hope it helps you, even if only a little bit.

 

Well, you are talking about a lot of reasons as to why you feel you can't be gay. All I'm hearing is a lot of discomfort. All of that to me sounds like its a result of fears about what others with think and is entirely the result of environment and social conditioning. I never once heard you mention which sex you are attracted to or would like to be sexually involved with, which when it comes down to it is what's really important.

If you don't want to use the label gay, don't. Sexuality isn't black and white, it isn't just gay or straight. Its way more complex than that. However, there is nothing wrong with being gay. I can't think of one way it harms anybody, and in fact living with another man and taking in a child that needs care seems a lot more beneficial than bringing in a new hungry mouth.

Before I was in a relationship with a man, I knew I wanted to have sex with men, but I couldn't fathom having attractions for one. That changed. If you really have this much anxiety, and would be just as happy with a woman, I kind of doubt you'd be stressing out this much about it. So I think you are either gay, or likely close enough in the spectrum to have a strong preference for men. It may not be what you want to hear, but its probably the truth, and you're a hell of a lot better off accepting that and moving on then having a sham of a marriage that you are going to get kids involved with one day.

It doesn't seem like that's what you wanna hear, but I hope it helps nonetheless. Best of luck, and I hope you accept that there's absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings. You are just you, and you are a wonderful person (*hug*)

 

You haven't mentioned homoerotic imagery at all. If you are OK with the idea of sex with men but not romantic relationships you could be homosexual but not homoromantic. It's much harder to work out your romantic orientation, your body doesn't give you such obvious clues, and not as often. However when men have sex, neurochemical reactions create emotions associated with love and bonding. Over time, emotional feelings for their partner can be strengthened in this way. Maybe you just haven't had a chance for that to happen.

 

You don't have to be 100% gay or 100% straight. Most of us would fall somewhere in between. I'm gay, but I married out of convention and societal pressure. I used to be able to function with her, but now that I've admitted to myself that I'm gay, it's increasingly difficult.

Before you go "get a girl friend," think about things for a minute. You are not "fixing" things. You will just be dragging another person into your problem. And you just might be making your ability to sort out your sexual orientation more difficult. Here's a gay guy speaking fom experience: I have a lot of people that will be affected by my failure to understand myself years ago.

 

I've only been out to myself for just over a year, and out to everyone else for less than 6 months, and I can tell you I'm still in somewhat of the same boat. When I first came out I had the same thoughts as you. When I saw pictures of couples I would never think 'oh, they are cute together', but rather the opposite. I think the majority of my mind was stuck in this construct of how my life was supposed to unfold (get married to a woman, have kids, white picked fence, etc). But over time my thoughts changed, the idea of a boyfriend became acceptable, the concept of a long term husband became acceptable.

I'm not all the way there yet though... for some reason pictures of old gay couples who have been together for 40+ years don't make me feel as emotional or happy as pictures elderly heterosexual couples. It could be because old women are so much more adorable than old men, haha. But I'm guessing with time I'll get there. It takes time to acclimate to the idea of a new lifestyle, it's not going to happen instantly. Best of luck!

 

I've been partnered for over a dozen years...and I STILL have triuble saying "this is my boyfriend and I love him". Not because I'm not gay - I am - but because I'm not much one for PDAs. Even simple ones like holding hands and saying "I love you". Luckily, my partner is in the same boat, so we can be uncomfortably in love together.

Lex

 

Its never easy to say that you are gay or that you are in love with another man. It takes most guys years to come to accept the fact that they are gay and that they could be in love with another man. It look me 21 years of telling myself that I am straight all the way up until I had sex with a women. That was the point when I just could'nt lie to myself anymore. I still have'nt told here that I am gay but that is some thing that I would just feel bad about doing cause I know she enjoyed being with me.

It not easy to say or accept your self at first but in the end accepting your self is something that will make your life better. Hopeing for the best for you.