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Closeted Mormon Friend???

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by invisible manny, Dec 9, 2011.

  1. invisible manny

    Regular Member

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    Making new friends for me has always been difficult. Starting college was no different. Thankfully, I was able to find 2 terrific friends, friends that I haven't been this close to. I love them so much that I am able to confide in them with my secret and they accepted me with open arms. I'll call them Shanon and Brandy. The 3 of us formed our own little group with other friends in my chemistry class. One of them in particular, we'll call Shane.

    When I saw Shane i thought he was good looking and didn't think much of it. It turned out he was close friends Brandy. When we first started our group, my Shanon and I assumed he was gay, but can't be completely sure unless someone who knows him, or Shane himself, says he is. Now that I was able to get a closer look of Shane, he is very good looking. His hair is always perfect, his clothes always look good on him, to me he's just plain hot :lol: It is the way he talks, some things he talks about, and his body language that makes Shanon and I believe he is gay.

    We both asked Brandy if Shane was gay. It turns out she doesn't know either. She was starting to get close to him this year. Brandy said that in high school, people would ask him if he was gay. He would say no, but he would turn red. Shane is white, so when he turns red, he REALLY turns red. He would then distance himself from other people and I know he'd be angry if someone who he barely knows asked. Just last week, I called Brandy a "cascara" (which is Spanish for 'shell' or 'peel' that you discard). It has absolutely no meaning and I was just teasing that she doesn't speak Spanish and she looks Mexican (but she's actually Indian). We all laughed about it and went to chemistry. Shanon, who does speak Spanish, asked Brandy "What did you think "cascara" meant?" Brandy didn't hear and Shane assumed Shanon was talking to him. He turned red, and said, "What gay?" (or was it guy) with no eye contact. We assumed that he thought she said "What do you think about that gay (or guy)?" The point is, Shane is very touchy on the gay subject.

    What I want to do is help Shane out. I know what he is going through because I'm barely coming out myself. What should I do? He is Mormon and I read that they believe homosexuality is a sin. Is there a way that I can talk to Shane without making him uncomfortable? It seems like any little mention of the topic would set him off.
    (sorry for writing an essay, I wanted to get my point across)
     
  2. SecretColor

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    I had an experience very similar to yours earlier this semester. My best friend is a devout Christian, and, well, he sets off gaydars left and right. However, even though I really wanted to say something like "hey, I know what you're going through, and I'm here," he wasn't far along enough on the road to self-acceptance (if he even is gay, I'm not entirely sure) to be able to accept my help. So I'd say to kinda sit back and wait for him to come to you for help, while at the same time being the "cool gay friend" (or "cool friend" if you aren't out to him).

    Twisty
     
    #2 SecretColor, Dec 9, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2011
  3. Tracker57

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    Your Mormon friend will only come out when he decides to come out. I was raised in a very strict conservative christian family where I had extreme guilt over just the feelings I had. But my pressure was nowhere nearly as extreme as what I imagine your friend is going through. For him, coming out would be a severing of all the ties of all the support systems he has known all his life. I'm sure that weighs on him heavily if he is gay. Encourage him to be himself. And you should be accepting of him wherever he is on his journey. From what you've described, I'm seeing a lot of myself in your friend.

    BTW: there is a film out about a mormon who comes out as gay on a mission. I haven't seen it, but it might provoke some discussion with him. I'm sorry I can't remember the title right now, but it did cause a stir in the mormon community.
     
  4. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    i really think that you should leave it alone and if "Shane" is your friend than just be his friend and his sexuality doesn't matter. Also assuming someone is gay by their mannerisms, conversation topic choice, or body language is really not only unfair but it's sterotyping gay people into one small little group. doing this is the very thing that actually makes people hold onto their learned gender behavior roles instead of just being free to be theirselves and not having a label thrown at them for doing so. to me it sounds as though you like this guy and you desperately actually want him to be gay so you can try and date him more than you really sound like you want to "help him". if you see that he is uncomfortable about the gay subject, why bring it up. if he wants to talk to you about it, he will. you have a crush on him so you are hoping he is gay. he may be or he may not be, but what is clear is that he IS sensitive to the gay subject and probably doenst' want people to think that about him so take the red face as a hint and leave it alone unless he brings it up. if you really want to be a friend to Shane and you are really concerned with his possibly gayness and Mormon trauma, then maybe you should come out to him first and not expect, mention, or ask anything about him being gay but you just wanted him to know so that you were a transparent friend and wasn't keeping secrets. i am not suggesting you acdtually do that cuz you should come out when you are ready to whoever you are ready. but in general i find a lot of people wondering if someone is gay when they haven't even felt free to out their ownself to the person they are wondering about. can't expect someoen to do it when you haven't even done it for them without expecdting anyting in return or asking in return. that would be a real friend in my opinion.
     
  5. FruityFascism

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    Being raised in a Mormon family [also in Vegas] and being gay was difficult to say the least. I came out at 14, and it was really hard the first year. Now 4 years later, I'm still living at home, my Dad is cool with it, and my Mom and sister have yet to come around [I always thought it would be the opposite, lol].

    I say just be his friend, let him figure it out himself.
     
  6. invisible manny

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    Thanks everyone for your replies. I will leave it as that. No one can make someone else come out. If he does come out before his mission, I'll be there so he won't be alone. If he doesn't, then there's nothing much that I can do other than be his friend. Thanks again everyone