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Came out too soon

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sometimesbetter, Dec 9, 2011.

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  1. sometimesbetter

    sometimesbetter
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    So, I came out to my family and (some) friends, but it definitely didn't go over well. My parents are Indian and very religious, and they basically said this is a phase, that I'm bringing shame to the family, and they think that people go through this phase before they grow up. And my mom thinks God makes males and females to like the opposite sex and that what I said was a choice. My sister's fine with it (very shocked though), and my friends are fine. But, my parents want to to pretend like this ever happened (those were their exact words), and I agreed with them. They would never understand this and that's their choice. They told me to forget about everything till I'm done school and then they'll see "what happens". I just don't even care. I just want them everyone to be happy, so I apologized and said, "sure".

    We'll see what happens in the future. My sister will be there for me no matter what, and if they don't want to be, then that's their choice.

    Anyone have any similar stories?
     
    #1 sometimesbetter, Dec 9, 2011
  2. sanguine

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    yep sounds like what happened to me, my parents are still in denial, my dad told me it doesnt work that way and that i had to date girls to be attracted to them and that this was a phase also, but that is because hes not really educated about the LGTB society and i really cant be bothered trying to inform them either, ( way too emotional at the time and my parents are the dominant figures in terms of when they are speaking you dont, and their final ruling is law)

    it gets better over time though, me and my mum still have a good relationship, she see's im not changing anytime soon and she still calls me her favourite, my sister is cool with me now although im forbidden to tell my older brothers ill be doing that soon too.

    besides even though they dont talk about it, its a better reaction that i could hope for anyways and im more comfortable about myself, and that's really the goal when you decide to leave the closet anyways, right?
     
    #2 sanguine, Dec 9, 2011
  3. sometimesbetter

    sometimesbetter
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    I don't really care what they think. If they want an apple-pie life till I graduate, then I'll give them that. Plus, I vowed to myself, gay or not, that I wouldn't date or hook up with anyone until I was done university and on my own. After that, if they choose to support my relationships, then that's good for them, but if they don't, then it just shows me how "unconditional" love can be, if all they care about is what others think about them. And if they want "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, then I'll give 'em that, as well.

    At this point, my sister is on my side and that's all that matters to me.

    I seriously don't get why I came out so soon, since it just feels like I'm going back to the closet LOL. I guess that they say is right about Indian parents: When you come out, they go back into the closet with you.
     
    #3 sometimesbetter, Dec 9, 2011
  4. J Snow

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    Hey, welcome to the site =) Sorry your coming out sucked. (*hug*) Mine did too and... well I may have to do it again if I decide to ever share my gender issues with them. =/

    So yeah, I came out a year ago next week. My mom told me not to let my sisters find out, told me she was not okay and would never accept it, and proceeded to tell me it was worse than her father dying. Plus she told me she cried all the time at work and lost her job shortly after so I blamed myself for that too.

    My dad just told me not to "embarrass" my sisters. I don't even know what that means. Like don't tell them? Don't walk around town naked with a rainbow flag tattooed on my ass? Who knows?

    We haven't talked about it in a year though, and the holidays are bringing up some bad emotions this year =/

    The good news is... I've really never encountered anyone else with a problem with being gay. So, yeah, things aren't so bad. =)
     
    #4 J Snow, Dec 9, 2011
  5. sometimesbetter

    sometimesbetter
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    Hello! I'm glad this society's pretty welcoming.

    Sigh. I hate what society does sometimes to people and what they believe in.

    It's just weird to come out and feel nothing at all. I actually feel like I haven't accomplished anything at all. It's almost like a limbo state: I'm out, but not really, and it's shit.

    But you know what, I'm glad I said something. Although, they want to forget about it, it's still in their head. And I'm never coming out again to them. The next time they see me with someone, it's gonna be a guy and if they accept him or not, well, that's up to them.

    And I'm still doubting whether or not I should come out to my other friends. They'll be accepting, but it just feels so fucking weird to come out to people when your immediate family isn't accepting at all. I hope that makes sense.

    Anyway, we'll see. Life is too fucking short to think about this shit too much. Whatever happens, happens. I'll be fine.
     
    #5 sometimesbetter, Dec 9, 2011
  6. Ianthe

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    What religion do your parents belong to, if you don't mind my asking?

    I don't think you should let your parents' reaction stop you from coming out to your friends. I mean, that's your life, right? And the more people you have in your life supporting you for who you really are, the better off you will be, especially for things like dealing with your parents not accepting you.
     
    #6 Ianthe, Dec 10, 2011
  7. sometimesbetter

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    They're Hindus.

    Update: My parents think it's a "phase" or a "disease". They think the facts are bullshit (they don't even want to consider the facts). They think by ignoring it or making myself feel "normal", that I will be normal. My mother even said that she'd kill herself if I was. Right now, they don't wanna talk about it until I'm done school, and I guess I'm fine with that. They have to fucking accept me SOMETIMES. I will never go back into the closet again just 'cause of them. They're my parents, but they shouldn't be acting like kids.

    So, in a couple of years, when my mother thinks I'm normal, I will bring it up again and I don't care what happens. She said we'll talk about what happens then if I still am (like I'm choosing to be like this) "this way" in the future. Whatever. They did a lot for me, but so have I, but I'm never fucking hiding again. I never want to go back into that place again.
     
    #7 sometimesbetter, Dec 11, 2011
  8. jlg65

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    I'm sorry to hear it wasnt easy for you. I think your parents will come around and accept you with time. I havent had the courage to come out yet. I live in a small town and my parents are doctors. My mom and dad are really antigay so I think I will wait till college. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #8 jlg65, Dec 11, 2011
  9. Hot Pink

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    Similar thing happened to me. My parents "accepted" me, but they didn't want me to transition until after I was done with school. When they were told I was already suicidal and waiting would probably kill me, then they let me go to a gender therapist and later a doctor for hormones. Now, my body is changing rapidly and they want to pretend like it isn't. I want to wear women's clothes and makeup, but my mom wants me to wait. I essentially look like a girl wearing guy's clothes. If you come up with a solution to this, let me know.
     
    #9 Hot Pink, Dec 11, 2011
  10. sometimesbetter

    sometimesbetter
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    I hope it gets better with time. I just don't want to hurt them anymore, but I just don't to feel hurt myself anymore, as well. Sometimes, you have to take that step without your parents, and hope for the best. And if nothing happens, then, well, you tried. That's what I'm going by and I'll see what happens next. Meh :\
     
    #10 sometimesbetter, Dec 11, 2011
  11. jlg65

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    Thats what friends are for. You cant always pick you family, but you can find friends who love you and support you for who you are.
     
    #11 jlg65, Dec 11, 2011
  12. sometimesbetter

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    I love my friends, but I love my family the most. My sister was telling me just today that my parents will never accept that I'm gay. Sigh. It hurts to know that something so small about a person's identity can have such a huge impact on how someone perceives them. I hope that they accept me, but I'm pretty sure they won't. Not now. Probably not even in a couple of years.
     
    #12 sometimesbetter, Dec 11, 2011
  13. Emergelove

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    Hi there, I am sorry your coming out went the way it did with your parents. I know how it really sucks that they are not able to shake off their denial. It must have felt really bad to hear things that your parents said, such as your mother's threat. I have feared that kind of upheaval from my Indian parents and have not come out to them yet. I think it's amazing that you came out to them, congratulations for that, although I know it does not feel celebratory right now.

    However, I want to believe that they need more time, and may be education once some time has passed, to accept...It helped when recently one of the adviser's advised to me that when one comes out, their family feels that they have to give up certain image/expectations they have for their loved one (in your case it could be getting married and having kids or whatever). But then that that is not necessarily true, because you can still marry a man and have kids.

    And, it's amazing that your sister has shown a lot of support. I totally agree, do not return to the closet. Hang in there on the outside. You will find lots of friends here and elsewhere...and I hope that it will not be so awful as over time your parents will see that you are still the same person.

    Best, SP
     
    #13 Emergelove, Dec 11, 2011
  14. sometimesbetter

    sometimesbetter
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    It's just so hard. Coming out was supposed to be a liberating process; it wasn't supposed to feel like this.

    Indian parents have this knack to drill "normalcy" in your head, regardless of the facts stating otherwise. They will jump over imaginary bridges just to hide the obvious truth. And I get why they say that, but it's hard when you're on the receiving end.

    But I imagine it must be harder for you, since you've only come out to your WIFE (which is a big thing). I only imagine what your parents would think once they find out that you're gay and that you've been living a "lie". Sigh. Parents.

    I don't think they'd want to be educated. They're very strong with their beliefs (as stupid as those may be, sometimes), and it'd be hard for them to accept anything else. But I hope they do when the time comes for them to FULLY accept me.
     
    #14 sometimesbetter, Dec 11, 2011
  15. Emergelove

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    Edit: I may have mis-perceived your sister a bit here. Sorry

    ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2011 at 06:25 PM ----------

    Sigh parents...You can scream you know...It feels good.
     
    #15 Emergelove, Dec 11, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2011
  16. sometimesbetter

    sometimesbetter
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    I imagine myself coming out again by texting them this: "Hey, Mom and Dad, I've started to date someone. His name is so-and-so. You thought it was just a phase? Well, you were wrong. Get educated and stop denying the obvious truth, or you'll lose me forever."

    As mean as that sounds, it needs to be frakking said.
     
    #16 sometimesbetter, Dec 11, 2011
  17. Emergelove

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    Oh! wouldn't it be something to send that text! You are understandably pissed off with your parents...and I can imagine how rejected you probably feel right now that they are so angry and rejecting. I am sorry about that...It freaking sucks :frowning2:
     
    #17 Emergelove, Dec 11, 2011
  18. sometimesbetter

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    I've just come up with a new mantra: One day at a time. We'll see what happens next.
     
    #18 sometimesbetter, Dec 11, 2011
  19. Emergelove

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    :thumbsup:
     
    #19 Emergelove, Dec 11, 2011
  20. Gleeko0

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    Well....i came out first to my friends, because i was afraid my parents would be too ignorant about it to support me, sadly, i was right. And i still think i did the right thing coming out to my friends, that strengthened me to face all the stuff i'm passing now. I don't see why you think its "weird" to come out to your friends because your family doesn't accept you :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Ok... i know we are supposed to love your family more than anything, but i just feel like hating them more and more. They are ignorant people, if they think giving me only material beings of good will make me "love them", thats totally wrong... Because the emotional stuff i've been getting is shameful.

    Anyways, good luck with everything : )! You are Brave to come out, knowing your parents were religious and all.
     
    #20 Gleeko0, Dec 11, 2011
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