All of my life, I always identified with being a male more than a female. When I was given many stereo-typically female toys like dolls, I hated them. I hated them so much I actually went out and destroyed them. My mother loved to cut my hair short, but this started to cause me a lot of grief because as I grew past my early childhood, I began to look androgynous. My rough and rowdy demeanor didn't help my case and all the girls in my class gave me a hard time and treated me terribly. They called me a boy, they would kick me and try to "correct" my behavior by trying to limit the words that I used, which seemed unladylike. It's been years, and I should get over it, but the memory burns in my mind. I don't know if I am just self-obsessed or self-pitying, or if it is memorable because it hammered something in my mind. Either way, I started to think in my head, "Well yeah, maybe I am a boy! So what?" But at the same time, I tried to appease them and "corrected" my behavior. Years later, I was around twelve and I registered on an online forum ... I claimed I was a male, at first it was for kicks and giggles. Though overtime, I took it more seriously and I realized it felt so right to be called "he." I felt confident, I felt like I was more "true" to myself. Though ... I don't know. As I grew older, I developed more womanly features and when I was in university, I dressed like in more feminine clothing. Yet, I've begun to introduce myself with an English male name. I am not interested in women, but sometimes I really wonder if I am interested in men either? I am so scared to tell or talk to anyone about this, because the last time I did the friend said I just needed a good man in my life who would treat me right, because I had two bad boyfriends in the past. I am too afraid people will dismiss it and tell me it is a phase, or something is wrong with me, or I am thinking too much and overcomplicating the situation! But I really don't feel confident as a "woman." I feel much more happier when people know me as this man ... online. I am not interested in any physical corrections or treatment. I am content with people in person calling me a she because ... well, that's just how its always been all of my life. Though I just never feel truly "me" unless someone calls me "he." Admittedly, it would be weird for someone to call me that in person because I am so use to the female pronoun ... And I just don't want to deal with people getting confused and giving me issues, or saying I am a "faghag" or other nasty names ... When I don't even have many homosexual friends; most of my friends are other men. Am I going nuts? Is this really how I am or just unresolved baggage from childhood bullying or bad relationships? I just don't know, I don't know if anyone can really give me an answer, I think I just needed to get something that has been growing on my for years out of my mind in a place where people won't tell me "you need a good man." My mother already suspects I am a lesbian. They think it is an illness or a condition. They don't mean ill will, but they just don't understand and I know they will be dismissive of it so I cannot talk to my family either.
"Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to be burned by it." (Or something) To what extent can you try to brush off what other people think? It's perfectly fine to be a woman with masculine tendencies. As for your orientation confusion, why not leave that to one side for now and try accomplishing some work/school/other life goals? You may find someone of either gender or gender-identification who just clicks with you. You could waste time and energy obsessing over whether you prefer guys or gals. x
No, there is nothing wrong with you. What you're going through is common to many others, as you'll see if you read some of the other threads here. And it's doubtful that it's just a phase - you've said you have been feeling this way your whole life, which is a pretty good indication that this is an integral part of who you are. Your friend probably responded the way they did because they have little understanding of transgender issues (which is unfortunately true for a lot of people). Is there a LGBT organization in your area that you could join and get to know some people who might be more supportive? I would also suggest trying to find a counsellor to speak to to help you work through your confusion.
My professor describes the very same thing you're describing. He was born a female, but he never felt right in being identified as one. He always felt like something was missing inside him. So, over time, he identified as a male, and that made him more complete--more happy. He's overtly male now (some of my friends couldn't even tell him apart from his previous, female "image"), and he's never been happier. It just shows, like Chandra said, there's something integral to gender and sexual orientation.
I do try and bury myself so much in work. I have three majors, a job, and so many projects going on to escape some of these questions, but at the end of the day, it still bothers me so much. Thank you for the responses. I appreciate it so much. I was so scared and worried I would get responses like, "Be happy with what you are," etc. I don't know, I just hope one day I can find my answer. I think in a world where I could just snap my fingers and change time, I would have picked to be a man, but I am from a family that is so religious and traditional, they would not understand. Any happiness I would get from feeling "correct" would be smothered by the disapproval and anger from my family members.
