I don’t really know where and how to start this, so I think I’ll just let the words come without trying to put any kind of form in this. Life had been tough lately. My grand-father whom I adore had a stroke a few weeks ago and he is now not even the ghost of the man he used to be. He doesn’t speak or eat anymore. We don’t know yet what is going to happen to him, but one thing is for sure : if he lives, he will never fully recover from it. I’m having a very very hard time with this. My grand-father and I had always been very close. He had been the most loving and unconditionnaly supportive person in my life for years. He was the person who kept believing in me when nobody else did, not even myself. He was the most optimistic and strong person I’ve ever known, and now he lays helpless in his hospital bed, fully conscious of what’s happening to him. Seeing him suffering like he does now is hardly bearable and the idea of losing him isn’t better at all. On the side of this, I’m having troubles at school. I’m having a very difficult class this years : several kids with special needs and quite a lot of trouble makers. Most part of the time I feel like I’m trying to prevent a boat from sinking by putting sellotape on breaches. I’m trying very hard to do my best for my pupils, especially the ones with special needs, but obviously, I’m not having much success. I’m behind on several subjects because I’m spending so much time just making my pupils to sit and be quiet. I feel like I’m a complete imposter, that I am unable to do my job properly and, worse than anything, I’m jeopardizing my pupils well being by my incompetence. I do know these are irrationnal thoughts, but some days, it feels like if I knew better, if I was a better teacher, neither I or my pupils would be in this situation. And there’s home, where nothing new happens. Which seems to be a good thing, but in fact, isn’t. Years after years, I have been hoping for my husband to be ready to have a baby. Years after years, I’ve been telling myself, next Christmas we’ll be the righ one. The one we’ll finaly have a child. The one I will be pregnant. And once again, Christmas is almost here and I’m not pregnant. And once again, my husband says he feels «almost ready» and that he «thinks about it more and more», but this time, I think I’m tired of hoping and I’m wondering : are we meant to be parents after all ? Maybe there is something about our couple that makes us unfit to be parents. I don’t want to put the blame on my husband. I love him and I know he loves me, but for once, I’m not sure anymore that love and good will are enough to build a family. And here I am, worrying about the future. It’s not even that. I’m not worried. I’m scared. I’ve always believed that, if I was doing the right thing, if I was putting enough energy and dedication in what I wanted, things will finaly move in the right direction. That’s how I became a teacher. That’s how I married my husband, against my parents approval. That’s how I brought back peace between my husband and my parents after months of fights. That’s how I sorted to buy a house right at the time my husband lost his job. Love, dedication and hard work, that were my motives. But I’m not sure I’m believing in this anymore. None of this will help bringing back my grand-father’s health. None of this seems to have any effect on my teaching skills or to make school days any better. And in the end, none of these seems to be helping me and my husband in having a family. So I’m sitting here, tired, waiting, hoping for miracles, dreading disasters and feeling helpless. I’m not really sure what I am waiting from this post. I just needed to put these things out before they eat me from inside an EC seemed the best possible place for this. I’m sure that Ec’s usual magic will work somehow and that it will bring me comfort one way or the other. If you get there, thank you for reading. Cécile
I wish I had something better to say, but I'm really sorry about your grandfather and wish you the best in dealing with this situation. I know you must be incredibly stressed with all the things you mentioned, but please try to remember that the passion and dedication you have tried to bring to your life and job has probably made a huge difference in the lives of many. The group of kids you have does sound like it presents some challenges but it sounds like you are still trying your hardest even while going through a difficult time. Please feel good about that. Depending on the age I bet those kids either do or will come to be very appreciative of that. I know even when I was only in the 1st grade I had teachers who I really admired for taking the time to help me learn when I was really underachieving. It may not seem like it right now with so many things on your plate, but I bet other people do not see an image of an overwhelmed incompetent teacher. They probably see a really inspirational image of a person who is not backing down from the challenges their career presents even while going through difficult times with their family. You're going through a lot right now, please don't get down on yourself, I think anybody else would probably be having a difficult time too.
Cecile, you are such an amazing woman. To endure such things and still have love and compassion to offer others is an astounding thing. I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time, and I wish there was more I could do to mke you happy. There not a lot of pragmatic advice I can give. Just a moment ago you were encouraging me that things will get better and to believe in myself and have strength in the difficulties I am facing. So I offer you the same encouragment. The fact that you try to be a good person and believe that it will lead to happiness and well-being is true and it is good that you maintain faith in such things. It is sad that in this world all the people and the places and the things that we love and hold dear must change and vanish. It is the greatest source of suffering in the world. My family is not large and so I have not been in a situation like yours, yet, but my heart goes out to you. The best that you could hope for your grand-father is that he is at least comfortable and well cared for. I wish there was more I could do or say to lift your spririts. I'm not exactly the most optimistic girl in the world right now But just stay strong and don't ever stop being a kind person. The buddha said that those who love are destined for states of bliss. Have faith in yourself and remember that the things we lose in this life help us to appreciate the things we have.
I don't know how old your grandfather is, but presumably, he's up there in years. And no amount of hard work or dedication or anything else will stop the aging process. Children grow up, people grow old, and people die. And that's life's way of telling you to get off your ass and get stuff done. If you had an infinite number of days to live, why get out of bed today? Tomorrow? This month? You apparently have had three great decades with your grandfather, and that's something to be celebrated. I can understand how depressing it is to see somebody so vibrant run down - my grandmother was always a source of inspiration and life for me, and when she creaked into her nineties, she simply wasn't the same. But I was happy that I got the time with her that I did, and I was happy to be there for her on her way out. Hopefully, you can provide a measure of solace and peace to your grandfather, as well. As for your students...I almost loathe asking this, but are you one of those "really nice" teachers? Because sometimes, you just have to be an asshole. You may need to just lay down the law really heavily in that classroom, and say (in essence) "This is MY classroom, brothertruckers, and you WILL respect me." It's not easy for teachers to do (women seem to have more trouble with it than men), but if you're losing control of the classroom, sometimes you just gotta work on getting that control back. >>>Years after years, I have been hoping for my husband to be ready to have a baby. Years after years, I’ve been telling myself, next Christmas we’ll be the righ one. The one we’ll finaly have a child. The one I will be pregnant. And once again, Christmas is almost here and I’m not pregnant. And once again, my husband says he feels «almost ready» and that he «thinks about it more and more», but this time, I think I’m tired of hoping and I’m wondering : are we meant to be parents after all ? Maybe there is something about our couple that makes us unfit to be parents. The thing that's keeping you from being a parent isn't God/the fates/nature feeling that you might be an unfit parent. It's your husband who apparently is doing everything in his power to string you along without actually impregnating you. If you both literally ARE trying to have a child and are not being successful, then you need to go to the doctor to find out why. I've had friends go the fertility path, and others who adopted, and now they've got children, because that's what they wanted to do. Since you do not have children right now, you need to find out exactly how committed he is to the idea of having children. >>>And here I am, worrying about the future. It’s not even that. I’m not worried. I’m scared. I’ve always believed that, if I was doing the right thing, if I was putting enough energy and dedication in what I wanted, things will finaly move in the right direction. Let me dump the bad news on you - there is no "happily ever after". Solving one problem allows another to take its place. Your life doesn't begin when you run out of problems - your life ENDS when you run out of problems. Life IS handling problems. But that doesn't mean life is going to suck. You can still have a kick-ass life while dealing with huge problems. It's often the sheer fact that you ARE handling such large problems that helps contribute to your life being so kick-ass. Lex
Yep he is 89. He had a good life I think. That should be comforting. And yes, I know my grand-father is going to die. My other grand-father died already 2 years ago. But the very hard part this time is to see him suffering and not being himself anymore. When my other grand-father died, it was quite a sudden. He was in hospital for lungs problem but was about to be released. He was able to talk, to read, to eat. He was still completely himself. When my great-grand father (whom I was lucky enough to knew for 18 years) died, he had nearly completely lost his mind, but he wasn't in pain. It was painful to lose them both, but they didn't had to through total decline, and I think they and I have been lucky for this. This time it's not the same. And honestly, if my grand-father is going to stay this way, I would have preferred him to die from his stroke. It would have been painful, but that's what's going to happened anyway right ? And at least, I (and my parents, brother, grand-mother..) wouldn't have had to spend afternoons in hospital corridors listening him screaming from pain when his bladder stopped functioning, or witnessing him strangling himself with his feeding tube, or any of the things that are happening on a nearly everyday basis now. I know there is nothing I can do to prevent that. But I don't know either how to cope with the sorrow of seeing him like this. I do my best to be supportive and caring at hospital, to be supportive and caring with my family at home, but I don't know how to make some peace of mind for myself here. All I seem able to to when I'm back home and don't have to pretend anymore, is to sit and cry. Maybe that's all I can do about it after all ? Quite frankly, I don't know anymore. I've been a teacher for 6 years, I never had that much troubles. I don't have any problems to shout and punish if necessary, but here, that's not working. I gave more punishments in 3 months this year than in the last two years. I had been talking to every parents of every single trouble makers during the past two months. I thought I was too nice so I put harder rules in place and I stick to them. To be honest, my pupils aren't walking on tables either, but it's a constant arm wrestling between them and I. Everytime I try to do something a bit different (like making christmas decorations for instance) it turns into a complete mess. My colleagues have been telling me a lot that it's a difficult class, that they used to have problems too with those pupils when they had them. It's comforting in some way to know I'm not the only one who had been struggling with those kids, but that doesn't prevent me from thinking that maybe there are other solutions. These days I feel more like a tamer than a teacher, and I don't like it. No, we're not actively trying to have a child. My husband haven't slept with me in years. The thing is, I have no idea if the problem is about sex, is about having children or both. And I don't think I'm close to find out. We've been to counseling for several months two years ago for these exact reasons and in the end, the counselor finally told us that she couldn't help us until my husband finds some kind of motivation. So we've been back to square one and haven't moved from it ever since. My husband have been finally seeing an endocrinologist a few weeks ago to check if this could be caused by some hormonal disorder, but now he is waiting to do the tests because he is as usual paralyzed with his fear of being ill (I've married a chronic hypochondriac). I don't know what the results are going to be and I hope for them to say that my husband has some kind of hormonal imbalance, because at least that would be a tangible reason, something that hopefully can be fixed with a medical treatment. If that's not the case, I have no idea how this is going to evolve but I am very much afraid that at some point, I'm going to have to choose between my husbands and my want to be a mother. Pfff ? Cinderalla lied to me then ? I know. That's why I keep going to school every day, and to the hospital every week, and keep trying to provoke conversations with my husband about babies even if I know that often turns into a fight. But some days, it gives me the unpleasant feeling that I'm running after something, without knowing what this something is anymore. Maybe the important thing is to keep running. Thanks for your advice Lex, Cécile
I'm going to suggest my blogpage Liam's Recommended Reading List. These books are all about enduring in hopeless situations. Sometimes, it's just not possible to do much to make life better, and instead it helps to focus on making your experience of it meaningful. All these books are about that. They're all fairly easy reads; you can even read The Myth of Sisyphus in the original French (though I'm sure you already have). I don't know whether Chodron's book is available in French, but I'm sure all the others are.
I guess I know that there are times where a love-life can become stagnant or difficult, but to go without sex for as long as you have would, in my opinion, be a big game-breaker. I'm sure it's none of my business, but what reasons has your husband given you for being so physically distant.
Thanks Liam I'm going to check on your reading list (it's amazing how many books recommendations I get in 3 years thanks to EC). And yes, of course I read The Myth of Sisyphus already I've done philosophy studies My husband is asexual. He isn't interested in having sex with anyone, me included. It had been something I have been struggling with in the past, when neither him or I had words to put on this. That's not the case anymore, but that is a serious issue when it comes about having children. I don't want to change my husband. I love him the way he is. But being a mom is something I always wanted too.
That is something I have been feeling very reluctant about. My brother and his wife are currently going through this process and that doesn't seem to be something for me, not mentioning it's complicated to get one when you don't have any kind of medical condition. I would prefer adoption. The problem is, my husband doesn't feel ready for this either.
Do you think your husband will ever by ready to have a kid? Some people have no desire to parent, others have a very strong desire to. If you want to be a mom, it may not be possible with your husband ever. In the US, at least, there is a program called Big Brothers, Big Sisters which pairs adults and kids one-on-one for role modeling and extra support. It would be a way for you to adopt a kid and so some parenting (though not the whole deal) without having a kid of your own. It looks like France doesn't have a chapter, but it may have something similar.
As fellow teacher, I want to say, it is alright to struggle. Not every class is equal, and ti may take more time to learn how to be effective in this particular one that in your others. This one may be particularly difficult with everything going on in your life. As much as our students don't believe this, we are people, and we are allowed to have rough patches. I think the danger is, and I know that I am guilty of this, is that, worse than our students, we tell ourselves that we can't have a life. I think teachers enter the profession because we deeply care about children and about their education, thus when we can't do as well as we would like, we blame ourselves. Often, I think teachers feel more emotionally invested in their students success than their students are. I, for instance, feel genuinely exhausted now after grading a quiz this afternoon where most students didn't bother to attempt many of the problems despite. Your worries reflect not your struggle to teach effectively, but rather how much you care for your students. Hang in there. I know you can do it. You have been an amazing counselor and teacher to so many here.
