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Really struggling lately

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jazzmyn, Dec 12, 2011.

  1. Jazzmyn

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    I've always tried to carry myself as somebody who is proud of who they are, and of their own body. I exert a sense of optimism and some would say I'm extroverted. If they knew the true meaning of the word they would know it means I'm energised by being around people, but that fades when I'm alone. And oh how alone I am.

    For those who don't know, I'm pretty much mute (can't be bothered explaining again sorry) and I struggle with it a lot. I'm far from optimistic and I have been for a very long time. I've given up hope of doctors helping me, or of ever being able to lead a normal life. It's impossibly hard to make friends or get a partner when I can't even communicate. I try to show a lot with my body language, but I hate to be seen as down all the time. I mean... just look at my photos. Ever smiling, ever grinning. People like that. People don't want to see me sitting in the corner of my room after doing something rather stupid.

    I'm so lost right now. I just want to wake up tomorrow and be able to walk right up to someone and just say "I'm Jazzmyn. I'm alone and scared. I hate every little part of myself. I need somebody to hold me, to tell me I'll be okay. I need a real friend."

    Someone please help me, I can't do this any longer.
     
  2. dreamcatcher

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    (*hug*) I once read a quote by Mother Theresa that said "loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty". And after being such an outcast for most of my life, I'm beginning to understand why. It sucks being lonely. I hate it too and I've wished so many times that I could be someone else, someone who was smarter, braver, funnier or just more "normal". As to how to deal with this, I'm still struggling with it myself. But I have a suggestion for you. Have you tried becoming involved with the deaf community? Granted you're mute which is different, however, the communication barrier is something that you both have in common. Since it's hard for you to speak, you can take up sign language. And once you do that, there's a whole other world that you can be apart of. If I'm not mistaken, there's actually a lot of gay people in the deaf community. You could even find a partner. And if you have selective mutism (not sure if that is your case), You may become more confident in yourself and slowly be able to speak.

    If you've already tried this, then sorry for the long post! All I can say is if you need someone to talk to or would like a friend, I'm readily available:slight_smile: And yes dear, you are gonna be ok (*hug*)
     
  3. J Snow

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    Hey Jazzmyn =)

    I'm can't imagine how hard it would be to not be able to voice your thoughts and feelings to other people. regrettably, I don't really have advice for how to improve the situation. You said you wanted a real friend to be there for you. Well unfortunately I live on the other side of the world, but I promise if I could I would give you a hug and try to make you feel better (*hug*)

    There are people who care about you, and I admire your strength. Please message me any time you wanna talk sweetie =)
     
  4. DhammaGamer

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    A silent extrovert. That's fascinating. Perhaps in a former life, you took a vow of silence with such conviction that it has managed to impact your current life. That would be interesting.

    You shouldn't hate yourself. You are beautiful and I'm sure you have a lot to offer the world. Don't feel like you are alone. I have friends who barely speak at all but it doesn't prevent them from being a part of my life or communicating in whatever way they prefer. There are so many forms of art and human expression that don't rely on speech. Just your post alone displays your ability to communicate with written words and to reach out to others.

    You have a long and amazing life ahead of you. I know how easy it can be for life's challenges to really drag you down (trust me, my life is no cake walk) but its the challenges we overcome that define us. Continue to reach out to people and have love for those around you and you will find happiness.
     
  5. ImNuts

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    Forgive me if this sounds stupid, but have you considered getting an iPad/Droid tablet. They have text to speech programs that allow you to input what you want to say fairly quickly. My grandfather has Parkinson's, and we have been looking into them for him. I know it's not the same as being able to speak, but you'll be able to communicate what you want more quickly than writing, and it will produce and audible output.
     
  6. Jazzmyn

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    Thanks for all the support.

    @Dreamcatcher: Yes it's selective mutism, but I can barely talk to myself in an empty room any more. I meet every couple of weeks with other deaf people over here, there aren't really many people my age though. Maybe I should try to find if other such groups exist. Thank you so much.

    @J Snow: Thank you, I'll hug my giant teddy and pretend it's from you =]

    @DhammaGamer: Yes I realise how bizarre that sounds, but I meant extroverted in my presence and how I act around people. I can't well get attention in a night club by being depressed in a corner. I need to do it with a big smile and some confidence. I'm getting good at convincing people I'm happy with myself, it's kinda depressing though.

    I play guitar and viola, they are both great outlets for myself. Before my voice starting getting this bad I used to sing too. I could only do it alone. I wish I had recorded some of my singing, I'm scared I'll forget my own voice.

    @ImNuts: I would love to get an iPad, I've been trying to save up. But I guess the problem I have with this is that it's not personal. It would be a robotic, emotionless voice. I shouldn't be so picky with my options should I? I think I might just need more time to accept the fact I'm probably never going to be able to speak to people again =/ Thank you for the idea and I'll try it out a bit once I get one.


    Thanks again everyone. I'm going to try and sleep now, but I'll check this again tomorrow. I wish I had posted this topic a long time ago, but I don't like coming across as needy or an attention seeker. I really am independent, and that's how I like being seen. I moved out by myself when I was 16 and have managed to get this far. I suppose I need to let go of that tiny remnant of pride at some point.
     
  7. breakingboxes

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    Jazzmyn,
    I know your situation is different than mine was, but up until about high school I was too scared to speak and when I was able to finally talk to people and be "normal" it was fake, because I had so much going on inside. I wished I could tell someone exactly what you wish you could say. I felt so alone even when surrounded with people. I hated nights because there was too much time to think. I cannot imagine being in your situation and I wish I knew the right words, but you have us here to talk to. If I knew what to say I would. All I can say is stay strong and I'm here if you need to talk. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Jazzmyn

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    I was also wondering if I should find help about my self-harm? I know what I'm doing with it. I know it's wrong, but it's my body and I take precautions such as having bandages and things ready. In my mind it's helping me a lot and not hurting anyone else. Is that a normal way to look at it? I hope I'm not just going insane =S
     
  9. Hana Solo

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    Yes, you should seek help for self-harming in my opinion. It's a habit that just gets worse and worse and more out of control.

    As for your selective muteism? I don't really know how to help with that and am sorry (*hug*)
     
  10. sepphhyy

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    Hey Jazzmyn,
    I can relate to you with the whole optimism thing. When I'm around other people I'm extremely confident, but not cocky, and I can turn almost anyone mood's around. But when I'm laying in bed alone I think of all the problems in my life. Whether it's about my future career or making friends. I can't imagine how frustrated you must feel. I can only hope that one day you will me able to fully communicate.

    Anyway I just wanted to post this to tell you that your not alone, and that anytime you need to let you emotions out I'm here for you. I feel like we can relate a lot to each other so please don't hesitate to post on my wall or private message me.

    Stay strong and you have every right to be truly confident.

    Sepphhyy
     
  11. Jazzmyn

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    Thanks guys. I'll try calling a hotline thing about the self harm then, see what they say.
    I really need a hug =/ I wish I didn't live alone sometimes.
     
  12. Hana Solo

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