Knowing me, this will probably end up being a huge wall of text, so sorry about that. I'll try to make this as brief as possible, though. I started to realize that I might be gay the summer before high school (Great time, eh?), and I am in my first year of college now. I only ever told one of my friends that I was gay, and I knew she wouldn't care because she was bi. But I didn't exactly tell her because I was coming out. I got a text from a friend (girl) that said "I Love You" the day before graduation. I was texting her about it, and basically it came up in the conversation. But as it turns out, that friend's cousin had just gotten a hold of her phone and was messing with me. >_< Anyways, I always told myself in high school that I would come out in college, but... well it's not that simple. For one thing, it's community college, so I'm basically in the same crappy place with the same people, just minus the people I actually liked from my old school (but plus a few cool people). Some of the reasons I haven't come out: 1. Scary. 2. It never really seemed to matter that much anyways. After about a year of denial, I didn't really care that I was gay, but I didn't see much point in coming out. I live in a state that isn't the most Southern place in the U.S., but it's definitely, at least where I went to high school, "The South." There was maybe 2 or 3 out gay guys that not many people knew, possibly, but I only knew one was gay for sure, and I didn't feel like anyone would want to date me anyways, so I didn't see much point in coming out. 3. My family's happiness. I really don't want people bothering my family, especially my parents, because I'm gay. Many people know who my parents are, and I would hate for them to not be able to be friends with people just because people know I'm gay. You might would be surprised how fast things that should be irrelevant can be learned. >_< 4. My family's acceptance. I know now that my mom would still love me (My younger sister and her were talking and she said she didn't care who she brought home as long as she loved the person. No, my younger sister isn't lesbian or anything like that... that I know of :V). My Dad however... It really gets to me every time he says "gross" whenever two guys are on the television as a couple. My dad has always let me have my own opinions though, and he is actually a great father, and I don't want to disappoint him because I've felt like I've been a enough of a failure to him already. And 3 and 4 combined, my family has had a "rough patch" (for lack of better phrasing) for the past few years where there were times with much hostility. Things are finally starting to become better for us all, and we are all so much happier in the past about half a year. I really don't want to ruin that for them, because they are such great people and they really deserve to be happy. There is more to it than that (probably forgot something major. And yes, I know it seems strange to forget something like that, but I'm trying to organize all of my thoughts right now, but those are some of the major reasons. It wasn't until a little over two months ago that I even considered the possibility that I could actually have a relationship with a guy. I may not be physically attractive, but (and this is so incredibly hard for me to admit. I cannot put into words how hard this is for me to even type) I am a good person with a good heart, so it's not like I'm completely unlovable. Maybe it's just fairy tales, but there are people who fall in love with a person, aren't there? I actually read an old thread on this site that gave me some hope today (which is why I decided to join and see if someone could help me a little). Right before I even considered having a relationship, I started to have very depressing thoughts. I'm not sure if this forum handles the kind of thoughts I had, so I won't go into detail, but I started to feel this great anxiety that caused me to tear up and feel the worst sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness I've felt in my entire life (I don't why I'm admitting this, but when this would happen, I felt worse than when my grandfather, whom I loved, passed away), and I haven't gotten over it either. See, it's not all related to being gay, but hiding the fact that I'm gay all these years has really started to take its toll on me, and I know it. I've hidden far too many aspects of myself from everyone in my life for far too long, and I'm tired of it. I know coming out to at least a few people would help alleviate some of the constant anxiety I feel. It just sucks because I feel like if I come out, I'll be hurting the people I love which will make me depressed. But if I don't, I'll continue to become depressed every time I think about my life, but at least I'll only be hurting myself. So I guess I want to come out to at least a couple of my friends, but I just don't know. I've always been incredibly paranoid, and since I feel like it could affect my family, it makes me even more anxious about wanting to come out even to just friends. I don't think I could be open with everyone in my life, but I think it would greatly help me if I could at least talk to a few friends about stuff every now and then until I move away (which I WILL do one day if I can ever convince myself that I have the ability to do it). Even now, I kind of regret typing this, because I feel like I'll just put off doing it and end up doing nothing about it. So yeah... I tried to condense as much as possible into as short a length as possible, but hopefully you get at least the basic picture. Even if you don't know what I need to do, anything hopeful in nature would be greatly appreciated. And if you read all of this, regardless of whether you reply or not, thank you.
I started to feel this great anxiety that caused me to tear up and feel the worst sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness I've felt in my entire life The hopelessness will go away. If you keep up with optimism and personal development, the anxiety will go away too. As you grow, you'll learn that things only matter if you care about it. After, you'll learn that most things you care about are unnecessarily exaggerated by you. You'll ultimately learn to scale the things you care about and be able to choose the best way out! What I'm trying to say is that live the way you like and care the way you want. If you think coming out may mess your family up right now and that's not something you want to do, then don't do it. If not, do it! Keep your integrity in mind then choose to do whatever makes you most at ease. If you haven't gone against your values and still have your integrity in tact, you'll have nothing to regret later. I don't know about others, but I have supersized many obstacles in my life. I've thought my life is shitty, blaming it on my sexuality, family, society, etc. I now know that most of my problems are just me letting anxiety and 'The Norms' get to me. In the end, nothing is ever all that big...no problem is worth being sad about. Your life is yours! Live the way you want! Change the things you can and don't fret over things that's out of your control! It's a cliche but it's true! Things do get better if you believe they will...it really is that simple!
Giving yourself a timeframe and a point to come out by is only helpful if you feel that you can actually do it otherwise you just end up beating yourself up about something which you cannot do anything about until you are ready to! I know that's not that helpful, but when you're ready you'll have the confidence and you'll see it all in a new light. If you want to come out, but feel that you'll only get to the point of being ready by making the first steps then think about good friend that won't care or treat you any differently. Once you are ready to tell your fam start with your mum or you sister, work up to your dad as one of your ultimate coming out end goals. It can be as long a process as you like! At the end of the day the first steps need to be ones that wont cause anybody (including yourself) any harm! I used to get myself down about it, I used to selfharm and date guys, but I suddenly stoped lying to people, interestingly I go to the point that the only person I was lying to was myself cause whenever I was at a party or out I always got with guys, I liked feeling wanted, but it was never right. It lead to a group of girls in my school nicknaming me 'the worst lesbian ever'. But even once I was out to myself I still didn't feel much better causeI still craved that desire to be wanted and was therefore easily influenced by people liking me, it took a long time even once I knew I was a lesbian to stop accepting that from anybody who offered it! It was a gradual thing stopping it and I still sought it from girls for about 6 months to a year while thinking of myself as a bit of a 'player' CRINGE! haha. now I'm in a stable relationship, but I still think I have a load of problems I'm not really sure I have a point here, but I think just go with the flow really, I can't know your individual sitch obviously, but it won't neccessarily get any better through coming out! Also the right guy will appear I'm sure! just try not to seek, it doesn't do your potential relationship any favours when you do find him and more to the point it doesn't help you feel any better! Believe me I tried! haha. I'm sorry if I haven't given you any helpful advice or info, it was hard to remember everthing you said! haha
I think that you need to make yourself happy. Family is so very important, but it comes to a point where you have to put yourself first. Talk to some friends about it. If you become more comfortable with yourself and have a good group of supportive friends, it will make it much easier to come out to your family. Good luck
It sounds like you could REALLY use some support from a close friend, even if you aren't ready to come out to your family yet. The one friend you came out to-- Do you talk to her much, anymore? She might be a good source of support, because you are already out to her. Do you have other close friends you would be comfortable being out to? I found it easier to be 'out' to new people, when I moved away to college. Kind of establish it from the beginning, so it seems like less of a confession. If this is what you want to do, maybe make it a habit to wear some obvious but subtle, like a rainbow bracelet. It gets the message across without having to explicitly confess to everyone. Of course, you'd have to figure out how to address this with your family, when they see the bracelet and possibly say something. Like another poster said, maybe talk with your mom and/or sister first. If you are out to your mom, she might also have advice on how to best present this to your dad.
Thank you for all the replies. @Uniboth- About supersizing obstacles. I've already realized my problems aren't that big of a deal, so whenever I feel sad about it, I feel pathetic for even being sad. I know people have it worse than me, so I feel like shit because I have no right to feel bad. @hml8- You're probably right about working my way up to my dad. And I'll definitely remember what you said about searching too hard to find a guy. I think half the reason I want a relationship is just because I feel so lonely, and I just want to be comforted by SOMEBODY. You know? And yes, you told me some helpful things. @jlg65- It's hard to put myself first when I feel like I'll just be hurting everyone around me. I probably do over-dramatize what would happen if I came out, but if I don't convince myself it will be terrible then I feel like I'll be more slippery. I'm incredibly paranoid about anyone knowing anything about me. I think a lot of that stems from being picked on all the time as a child. No matter what I did, I knew my peers would probably think I was lame, so even when the subject of what I like to do in my spare time comes up, I don't go too far into detail. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, though. @FleetFish- I've actually talked about stuff with some friends online, which was helpful. I would post what I typed up there, but the forum is down right now, which is another reason why I'm feeling kind of lonely right now. That friend I told, I still talk to her some. I just don't know where I would even start with the conversation. I only really talk to her on Facebook nowadays. And I can't be out at my college because it is so close to home. I know that I probably need to just stay closeted, but I'm just so tired of it. Another issue I know I have is that I don't believe in myself at all. I have no clue why, but I have this defense mechanism that I've somehow developed where I have to constantly tell myself that I will never accomplish anything in my life. Perhaps I should try to be creative more often? And honestly, it has taken me a long time to even feel like I deserve to be happy, which is why I'm even considering telling someone. I always say other people deserve to live and be happy, but I've realized recently that it's hypocritical to say that, and then constantly put myself down.
I'm sorry to hear you were picked on. I was (and am) a really quiet kid. People don't really pay any attention to me. I'm pretty lame I have a few close friends who know pretty much everything about me (except my sexuality). Its hard to open up and trust people, I know. But it really pays off in the end. Just to have someone to go to when you need to talk. That person might not be a family member for you right now. As for hurting others, if they really love you, it won't hurt them. It will be a shock at first, but you are still their child. Remind them of that. If you're every feeling lonely, post on my wall and I'll get back to you ASAP
I am also really sorry to hear that you were picked on. If you want to chat with me while the forum's down (and after if you enjoy/appreciate the chat) then I'd be more than happy to be an ear, a shoulder, an adviser or just a friend, anything you need!
I think I may just ask the friend over facebook "Do you remember that conversation we had before graduation?" And just go from there. I greatly appreciate your support. Actually, and this might sound kind of sad, but my eighth grade classing being nice to me changed my life. For the most part, every class before that had a group of people who would pick on me when they go bored, but in eighth grade, my main class was finally full of people who didn't make me feel terrible. Since then, I've become more... animated? Whenever I get to know a person, I can get silly and fun. If I don't know someone in a classroom, then many times I'll be very quiet, but if I become friends with someone, I'm a lot more animated. I've found that I usually have to adjust to new situations anyways. I'm not always the quickest to adapt, but once I settle, I'm good. I guess I'm just tired of being sad all the time. Well, not all the time, but whenever some situation arrives where I feeling like I'm being a burden or I'm reminded that I could ruin everything, I escape to this really dark place. I realize I'm probably jumping around subjects, so sorry if I'm not making any sense.
No, you make sense! I know what you mean with the getting settled! When I with my friends, I'm a completely different person. I really open up! I joined the theater club in school and that helped alot! And I know about dark places too. Life gets depressing sometimes and its easier to retreat. There have been times that I've struggled with suicide, but I always remember my family and friends and pull out. It sounds like you just need that confidant to talk to
Perhaps so. I know that keeping all these things that bother me locked inside isn't healthy. I've even considered therapy, but there is no real way for me to do that anyways. Though now, I don't really think I need that as much as I just need someone to talk to.
Yeah, it helps me to write down how I'm feeling on paper. I'm not sure why, but I always feel better after. And I know its not the same as a real person, but I'm here to talk
Yeah. Whenever I feel really depressed I write these... things that are kind of like poems. I don't really know how to describe them. >_<
