Came out as questioning to GF

So after months of debate and discussion on EC, last night I told my long term girlfriend that I have been questioning my sexuality. The whole experience is a blur, and my heart rate hasn't really slowed down since.

I asked her if we could spend a night together, and I wanted to fill her in on what has been going on with me. I was not sure I could take the step and tell her, but I went into the night with the intention of doing so.

After a few hours of talking and splitting a bottle of wine, I braced myself, laying the ground work for disclosure. Are you still in a place in your feelings for me that you can hear what I have to say? Have you moved on? Can I trust you? Once I have this conversation, we can't turn back.

After she responded affirmatively to my questions, I began reading the letter I had written to her months ago. The letter basically stated that I've always known I was different. There was a piece to the puzzle I haven't shared. I still do not fully understand what this piece is or what it means in my life, but I have been questioning my sexuality. Immediately, her face seized up, simultaneously displaying all negative emotions I could fathom - fear, anger, sadness. She struggled to sit still, as I kept working through my letter.

I explained how I spent much of my time in denial - convinced that these thoughts were the product of a tough childhood, obsessive compulsive disorder, or other convenient thoughts of the day. I explained how I never meant to hurt her - and when we spoke of shared dreams that I too did hope and dream to do those things and that I never would leave her if I had any choice in the matter.

As I stumbled to the finish of my letter, I sort of lost it - "I'm so f-ing sorry, I'm so f-ing sorry", "I take it back, I take it back" "Why did I just say that?" I was pretty hysterical. She lunged forward and just kept repeating, "you're going to be okay, you're going to be okay".

I felt the walls caving in, and I needed to get up and walk around a bit. We finally started to settle down, and we ended up having a conversation for the next 4 or 5 hours.

She asked me one question to which I stumbled in my answer, and I am feeling badly about now. She asked me, when did you first have this idea? I said I've always had this feeling I was different, not authentic, etc., but I really started to think about this in earnest a few years ago. While this answer is true, I can't stop obsessively thinking about the fact that I didn't tell her every single detail of my questioning. To some extent, the earlier details are irrelevant and would only be hurtful. Nonetheless, I guess old habits die hard - I began to obsess about this "other information I NEED to share with her." One thing is for sure: my mental processes need some serious work - this so transcends the issue of my sexuality. I just took the biggest step of my life - telling my GF of nearly a decade that I am questioning my sexuality, and in place of catharsis, relief, sadness, fear of loss, questions about next steps, I'm fixating on some arbitrary details! I've honestly wanted to jump out of my skin at disappointment with myself all day...

Back from my unhelpful detour. We ended up spending the night together - we did not sleep together, though I found myself very attracted to her throughout. We spent most of the night talking as well as most of this morning.

I started to explain to her that I have been trying so hard to tell her this, but I just could not do it. It was too big... and that I had spent all of my time and energy getting myself to a place where I could share this with her.

God, she's truly amazing. She reassured me that I am going to be okay and that she will always love me and be here to listen to me. She also promised me not to tell anyone else until I am ready to tell someone else - "How could I even begin to explain this to others?" She also told me she was oddly reassured to here this. She said she never in a million years guessed this, but she had guess plenty of other things, and she for the life of her could not understand why I would end such a great thing. She was able to stop putting the blame on herself. One unfortunate flip side to this is she then began to focus a bit on, it makes me wonder about our experiences, and how I couldn't know, and it's weird you might have been thinking about all of this other stuff, etc. My response - when I was in the moment with you I wasn't. Most of my questioning was confined to the night time, when most of the world was asleep, and I was left with my own thoughts.

So, to digest this all, while I didn't tell her every little thing, I put the main issue on the table: I left her because I was questioning my sexuality. While I didn't get into specific details about who what when of the questioning, I did get as close as I felt I could.

After a brief period of relief after my initial hysterics, I've been a pretty big ball of anxiety since. I wish I could allow myself, even for a little bit, to be proud of myself for taking this courageous step. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks, at least not overnight - I was going to find something to scare myself about...It's just in my nature.


Thank you all for everything.

 

Thanks all. I'm still so nervous. I don't understand why.