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The Venting Begins!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LdSlnce, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. LdSlnce

    LdSlnce Guest

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    I was actually going back and forth on whether I should I even post this or not; I always feel like I'm wasting space. But anyways...

    Stuff, for some reason, feels like it's heading for a nose dive. I lied to my parents about my sexuality. I told them that they were right, I was just going through a phase. And it kinda was. I thought that I was bisexual because admitting to being lesbian was too much. And they believe my lie. I've been feeling really unhappy because of doing that. I've also resorted back to doubting myself because I'm still holding onto that false hope that I'm just imagining things and I am just going through a phase. But that's all it is: false.

    I feel like like if I come out, I'll be letting them down again. Sure this is a fairly common feeling, but it doesn't evict the guilt that's decided to move into my body. They say they want me to be happy in life, but I don't think they mean that in the fullest sense. They don't want me to be anything but straight. And if being straight isn't my sexuality, I need to ignore it and pray to God to get rid of these feelings. Here's four words on that suggestion: Been there, done that.

    Here's a brief over view of that time: I always felt a pull toward girls, but never know what it was, brushing it off as wanting to look like that girl - which was stupid because I always had a secret desire of wanting to be a boy. But as I got older, I realized that it wasn't jealousy but attraction. So after a year or so of questioning, bisexual was my orientation. BUT that wasn't true. After some stuff that I will not disclose, I realized that I was still in denial and that I was gay/lesbian. There was a lot of fighting on my end. I took my mother's adive and asked God - more like begged - to take away my sinful desires. I think you know what happened.

    So these doubts running around are just the result of guilt and wanting to please my parents. Girls make me happy. No, I have not been with a girl. Rejecting your sexuality doesn't give you much time for a same sex relationship. But you know what, I know what I am. And I am proud of it. It is hard at times because I haven't actually come out yet, so I have to act like a straight Ld. Which is really weird. My mom talks about these male movie stars that she thinks are gorgeous, and all that's going through my head is how that guy has nothing on Emily Browning/Scarlett Johansson (it depends on whether they've had surgery or not. If they have, it's bye-bye). And maybe even Jeniffer Aniston. But that's only because my friend talks about her and she's starting to grow on me! But I can't say that out loud...I just have to nod along.

    Another thing that's been bothering me is really minor. It really is, just skip over it if you want! But I'm always having crushes on my friends. And they're completely straight. The closest they are to being lesbian is their support for gay rights. And that makes me like them more! But yeah...I have yet to befriend a gay or bisexual female knowingly. And maybe it's because they have that fear of saying anything. Which is understandable. But it would be really nice to have a friend who is going through the same thing and see what happens? Nothing even has to happen - it would just be great to talk to someone, who I know in real life, who is riding the same train.

    Now...back to the serious stuff. I mentioned somewhere up there that I've always had a secret desire to be a boy. Well this has been going on since I was maybe 5? And I was a girly little girl. But I always wanted to be a boy for some reason. I knew not to go to anyone about this, so this is a complete secret. Obviously not anymore because I've just shared it. But it's kind of evolved through the years. At the moment, I feel like...well the best way to describe it is that I think that I may be genderqueer. But I'm still looking into what it is and everything. SO if you leave a comment, I'd appreciate if you filled me in on what genderqueer is.

    I can't thank of anything else, and I'm feeling so much better now that that's out of my system! Sorry for so much being written. And thanks if you bothered to read!
     
    #1 LdSlnce, Dec 14, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2011
  2. LdSlnce

    LdSlnce Guest

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    I was going to edit it, but I forgot how. That or I'm not allowed to anymore. But anyways...I just want to say that I am pretty much certain that I'm androgyne. I say this because I do feel like a boy and a girl. Which may confuse some because I have stated that I feel like I am neither boy or girl. But I meant that I don't feel I'm specifically one or the other.

    I have my days were I feel more masculine, and my days were I feel more feminine. But I always feel like I'm both. My sex is female, so my mother makes me dress as such. And this means I can't really dress how I want. But I understand where she's coming from - well not understand, but...trying to understand. I will not be telling people of my gender for a while because I want to be sure that I am androgyne. But, until then, no one will know. Which really sucks because I'm not female.
     
  3. Cymbrii

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    I'm sorry you're having a rough time :< I think the lie is understandable (and this is coming from someone who hates lies for the most part); sexuality is a really complicated and confusing thing, especially when you're basically on your own and being told that your feelings are sinful and whatever. The difference between then and now, though, is that now you understand/accept yourself a little better, and you're a little less confused about yourself (though granted, still confused), which hopefully means you'll be able to deal with peoples' reactions to your sexuality/gender identity a little bit better. If you end up deciding you want to try coming out to your parents, you could try explaining that you were confused, but now you don't think it was just a phase anymore.

    I don't think I can explain what a genderqueer is though because I don't think I've ever heard that term before x3
     
  4. Bedroom Hymns

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    I'm sorry you've been feeling so down and confused, but you seem to be 'in touch' enough with yourself, I'm sure you'll make it!
    If you know your parents won't accept you, I guess you'll have to hide it from them until you know you're ready to face any consequences. Just... try not feeling guilty for hiding your sexuality. It's totally okay to hide it, I mean, we all (LGBT people) have done it/are still doing it. It's not like you're betraying yourself, your sexuality or your community; it's just natural to hide it when you know there's people that won't accept it. Don't feel weak, because you're the opposite!
    As to your gender identity, I'm not sure I understand fully. To be honest, I don't understand the different genders there are? I mean, what's the female gender and what's the male one? And are there other genders? I'd appreciate if you or anyone else could explain this to me, hehe.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Firstly I know its not the same as having real life friends, but you have literally lots of friends here who are, or have been through similar things.

    I dont think you should be too tough on yourself for what you told your parents, coming out is a really tough process and your parents are usually the hardest people. Deep down I knew my Parents would be supportive but I still put myself through hell about how I was going to tell them because of how much of a let down it was going to make me, but the problem is it was never going to change the fact I was gay. I could have hidden my sexuality for the rest of my life but then I would never have been happy, which would also have let my parents down, I could have pretended I was straight and met a man and got married, but that wouldnt have been fair on myself or the person I married, and whilst they often have a funny way of showing it mostly parents just want us to be happy. Often where it gets confusing is that our parents come from a different generation and from different (sometimes religious) backgrounds and these things mean that they cant imagine their child being gay and having a happy life, because there was a time when these couldnt go hand in hand.

    I think you are doing the right things but it is difficult when you are in the closet, are there any LGBT groups or anything near you which you can attend so you can actually meet face to face some like minded people. If not can you talk to the friend you are out to about any of this?

    Most importantly if you want to post on EC, then it is never a waste of space.
     
  6. LdSlnce

    LdSlnce Guest

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    Well, I'm not very good at explaining so...I'll leave it to these sites:



    What is non-binary gender? « Polygender Scotland


    GENDERQUEER IDENTITIES | What is “Genderqueer”?


    Androgyne - Gender Wiki



    The last one is there because I think I'm an androgyne, but I'm still figuring stuff out!
     
  7. FleetFish

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    I haven't done a lot of research, so I don't know the proper phrase to use for me, but I don't feel like either gender, either. I was born a female and I live as such pretty much for simplicity's sake. But really, I feel a bit more male than female. But, not entirely male. When someone mistakes me for a guy, I am not offended. When my family has a "guy's night" drinking or a "guy's trip" kayaking, it pisses me the fuck off that I am excluded. Why do they respect me less because I was born a female? Not cool.

    I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

    I just read through the last link you posted-- That describes me exactly.
     
  8. MadSeed

    MadSeed Guest

    Same here :wink:

    Although I have been actively looking for a word that would describe my gender (not because I needed a label, I still don't know if there's one in my native language, but because I find sexuality and gender really interesting and like to read about them a lot; plus it's always nice to know, that there are others similar to you). And I found it very recently, but for now it feels good. Even though a "female androgyne" is kind of an oxymoron. And "genderqueer" would do too, since it's broader and sounds cool :wink:

    I've got two links that I found informative:
    Androgyne 101 - Are you an Androgyne?
    Androgyne Online

    I hope it helps. I'm not an expert, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

    Oh, and you are right: it's good to have gay friends, but I find it hard to connect to most lesbian/bisexual girls I meet simply because we have totally different personalities (or maybe I'm just an antisocial wierdo).
     
  9. LdSlnce

    LdSlnce Guest

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    The whole label thing is exactly how I feel! I'm not looking for a label, more like an idea of what it's considered. And I just really like to read about that stuff; it's just really interesting. Yes, genderqueer seems like it's broader. And it sounds cool...I can hardly say androgyne :lol:

    I don't really need for it to be agirl, just someone to talk to who is going through something similiar. And I often find it hard to talk to a lot of girls because I can't connect with them. Unless they're not really girly. But I seem to have a way of befriending the "crazy" ones. We always get along well! I don't think that makes you an antisocial weirdo.


    I was born and raised female so...I do the same thing you do. The way you feel is pretty much how I feel...it's so frustrating that, because I'm a girl, I'm treated differently because I was born female.

    Thanks, it means a lot:slight_smile:

    I don't know if that's good or bad...so I'll go with ok!