1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

to come.. or not to come out to my best friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Chickzak, Dec 17, 2011.

  1. Chickzak

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2011
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    This coming out business is.. driving me crazy. I so badly want to share it with my best friend but I always have a reason that stops me from that. On every occasion..:bang: argh!!

    I call her best friend, but I'm not sure if she's that. We hardly ever talk these days. She's always busy with her new friends and stuff at home that she prefers to talk to other people about. I've been thinking over and over about telling her I like girls, but every time I get anywhere close to saying, she interrupted me going on about something that she did at school today, or just talks on about a girl S that we met a while ago. Sometimes I think the girl S has replaced me as a best friend. How mad is that? It would make sense to be fair, she's always talking to her, she's sits with her in every lesson, she talks about her non-stop. Its madness, I love her, so I do listen to what she says, and I give her advice and think about her all the time. I text her when she's away and tell her I miss her and love her, but dont think she feels so into me as a best friend anymore.
    So, should I ever come out to her? I always said she's the closest of all my friends and that I would tell her everything major happening - first. But I know, after 6th form, she's going to university away from where she lives and she's going to settle there. Into her new life, making new friends. It happens to everyone. Friends move away and gradually a friendship fades. We always promised we wouldnt do that, but right now I'm feeling different, because sure as hell, that that's exactly whats going to happen, I know it.
    She'll move on. So my question is whats the damn reasoning in telling her my biggest secret. I'm scared as hell that she'll forget about me, so in a way I'm thinking, if I tell her this, she might stay close to me?
    Sorry, I'm just ranting on and on now, I dont know what's going on in my life or hers. Its so silly that I dont know her anymore. I dont know what this thread is more focussed on actually, maybe its just me losing my best friend and I'm scared as hell. Or its I just wanna talk to someone and let them cuddle up with me, so I dont feel so bad. Damn. Hate moments like this.
    If I call her now, she'll pick up and we will talk. But I dont know if she genuinely wants to know whats going on in my life. She does ask if everything's ok with me, and I generally reply its fine but .. I dont know really. Just a little scared about what she might think if I tell her, or if she will blab it to S. Its mad that I feel so so distant to her, it doesnt make sense to call us best friends if I'm so like this.
    Sorry. I've just gone on and on.

    Any advice or comments are way appreciated, even if its to tell me to shushh.. and stop rambling on so much. :icon_redf
    Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  2. Hana Solo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2011
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Not even a dot on the Australian map
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    (*hug*)

    You're not stupid. I was in your exact postion. Me? I weighed up the pros and cons of being her friend and came to the conclusion that she was a bitch. Coz mine was. Not saying yours is, though, don't get me wrong! But what I'm saying is its tough. I stopped talking to my 'best friend' long before I questioned my orientation. But I sometimes want to tell her. My advice?

    If you want to tell her, and you trust her to keep it secret, tell her. If you don't, don't. Not exactly helpful, I know... but its the only thing that I can say. If you're telling her only to keep her? Then forgive me but I would say that in some ways thats selfish, depending on your motivation. If its to keep a friendship you value? Then it isn't. But if, as it sounds from your post, you have drifted apart, then you face a tough decision. Hold on or let go? However you answer, there is no judgement. You know your situation best.

    Just so you know, telling people things to hold on to a deterioating friendship often backfires. I told my former best friend I loved him to try to make him understand how much he meant to me and how much he hurt me. He passed it off as a joke and that hurt more than anything else he'd ever done. So be careful. Be very careful.
     
  3. hml8

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2011
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canterbury, Kent or Southend, Essex
    I agree with Hana Solo that motives of actions don't always correspond to the consequences of the actions and that you must be careful
    But you are the only one who can know for sure what to do.
    Whatever you decide good luck!
     
  4. jlg65

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2011
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think you just have to decide if you trust her. She is your best friend, but if she is drifting away from you, she might not be the one. Its a tricky situation. I think that she would support you and care about you, especially if you have been friends for so long. Good luck!
     
  5. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey dont stress you are not stupid.

    I would say that this mainly comes down to whether or not you trust her. If you trust her to keep your secret then what have you got to loose by telling her, (it may be a big secret now but I am guessing in the future you are planning to be out), I mean if you are already drifting apart a bit then ok you will have told her a big secret but you were obviously close at one point, so at least you will have peace of mind. I dont know but im wondering if maybe the reason she has drifted away is because she is sensing that there is something going on with you and doesnt know how to deal with it? Probably not but I just thought I would throw it into the mix.

    You definately shouldnt tell her just to try and hold onto her as a friend.

    This reply is really messy but hopefully you get what im trying to say. Another point is that just because you dont spend a lot of time with someone doesnt mean you cant be really good friends, I have some friend who for one reason or another I dont see very often but they are still really good friends.

    Worst case scenario she doesnt take it that well you dont talk much and she goes off to Uni, well that could happen anyway. At least you will feel like you got it off your chest and not worry about what might have happened.

    Best case scenario she says she thought there was something going on, and is supportive towards you and you feel better.
     
  6. Daisy1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2011
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Coast
    Agreed, it sounds like you have to decide (a) whether you actually want to tell her and (b) if you can trust her. I think the best thing to do is trust your instinct.

    Coming out to my best friend was one of the best things I've ever done. Opening up was amazing, and it brought us much closer together. She helped me through the last six months - realizing I'm gay, breaking up with my bf, entering the dating scene - and I am so grateful to her.

    On the other hand, I can only imagine what it would feel like if telling your best friend doesn't go well... vulnerable and alone. I think with coming outs its sometimes best to be prepared for the worst. Whatever you decide, you're right to be really thoughtful about it.

    Let us know how we can help!
     
  7. Chickzak

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2011
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    I'm such a chicken at this! Every time I pluck up the courage to tell her, she interupts or someone says something and I get distracted! I dont know what's going to happen. If I should tell her, I'm sure the time will come eventually. Its just everything is so damn complicated right now. Everyone's moving on, doing their own things, and then theres me questioning and my parents doing their own thing.

    Daisy1: "On the other hand, I can only imagine what it would feel like if telling your best friend doesn't go well... vulnerable and alone" Yes, thats it. If I tell her, I might lose her. But if I dont, I'll just keep thinking about it.

    silverhalo: Always nice to hear your advice xD "im wondering if maybe the reason she has drifted away is because she is sensing that there is something going on with you and doesnt know how to deal with it"; I dont think thats the problem. Shes quite open about things, and if somethings on her mind, she'll share it. I'm just stressing because I think she doesnt care so much about things anymore, doing stuff with people that she knows is wrong, and.. I'm stressing!!

    Us two were always the 2 goodies at school.. and just followed instructions and studied hard but ever since we turned 18, she's become more rebellious, doing things with girls that she doesnt know.. and I'm thinking... when did you change so much !!

    Oh.. I'm rambling again,
    But thank you for the advice including jlg65 and hml6 annnd Hana Solo of course! ;D :slight_smile:
     
  8. andersonh09

    andersonh09 Guest

    If you do decide to tell her you should be confident that you trust her. I don't recommend telling her just to try and make your friendship closer (I'm not saying this is your sole reasoning). Sometimes close friendships start to fade, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're over. If you decide you want to tell her, but can't seem to find the right time, you can always try writing her a letter. Telling your best friend can definitely be scary because although you feel they should support you no matter what, you can't always gauge how they will react. I would say tell her if you absolutely trust her.
     
  9. rachel1423

    rachel1423 Guest

    ^Very true. I was just going through the same thing, contemplating whether or not I should come out to one of my best friends. I ended up not doing this, because we have been drifting apart lately. I assumed that if we were drifting apart it wasn't worth telling her because I was afraid that she would tell other people eventually (I am not ready to come out to everybody, so this is an issue). Now again I do not know your friend or her personality, so it could be different. But honestly, I would stay safe and avoid telling her. Especially if it doesn't feel right. Good luck!
     
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There is a saying, and I totally think it is true when you look back on situation although often in the middle of them it doesnt feel like it, its late here so excuse me if I get it wrong.

    People/friends are either here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Or along those lines.

    Sometimes people come into your life, you seem to get on really well, they really help you with something or through something even if not intentionally and then they drift away, they appeared for a reason, satisfied it and then went.

    Other people are there for a season so for a time but then through no fault of either party you start drifting apart, regardless of how close you were originally.

    And then there are people there for a lifetime and they will always be there.

    You are probably wondering why im writing this in this thread but I guess what im trying to say is as long as you work hard on your friendships its not necessarily anyones fault that they end and it doesnt mean that she thinks any less of you but for whatever reason you drift apart.
     
  11. Chickzak

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2011
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Hey Rachel :slight_smile:
    I think what you write, kind of sums up what I'm feeling.

    Amongst other reasons, I think that's the main thing. Also worried if she'll just tell to S, they're pretty close these past weeks, but I dont know. You're right about time too, there's no hurry.
    Haha i'll get there some day :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Thanks for your comments guys
     
  12. Hana Solo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2011
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Not even a dot on the Australian map
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I'm glad to have helped :slight_smile: