Okay, some of you already know the back story to this, but I'll fill the rest of you in. When I was 12, I met my former best friend. Eventually, he became the first person I genuinely fell in love with. We were inseparable from our early teens till the end of high school. Well, around the end of my senior year (he was a junior), our relationship started to go sour, mostly due to my withdrawing from him (I was getting picked on a lot at school, my family life was deteriorating, and several of my relatives had died that year and the year before). He told me that he wanted to rekindle our relationship, so I did. We (somewhat) got back to the place that we were in before, but it fell apart again...he lost weight and became physically attractive and started hanging out with the more popular crowd....unfortunately, his personality suffered in the process and he became very big douchebag...he would blatantly ignore me (for example, if I walked up to him and said "hi", he'd completely ignore me and talk to someone else) and talk about me behind my back. The last real conversation we had was actually a small fight....so not only was I dealing with the loss and realization of an unrequited love...I was also dealing with the loss of the guy that had, up to that point, been my best friend in the entire world. Fast forward to today. My mom got a call a few hours ago from my aunt, and my aunt told her that a family friend had died...that family friend just so happens to be his grandmother. I don't know when the funeral is, but I know that I will be attending...she's helped my family so much and was such a nice, sweet lady....but I'll inevitably see him there. Most people on here generally see me as a nice and caring person. But you guys don't know my dark side....whenever something has ended badly and has festered for years between me and another person, I'm honestly a heartless bastard. And I want to change that...we both ended on bad terms, but I don't know how I'll react when I inevitably see him at the funeral soon. I'm scared that I might do something wrong, or say something wrong....or I'm scared that the feelings I once had for him will return (which would be a VERY bad idea since he's now married), or that I'll start crying and whatnot.....basically, I just want advice on how to handle seeing him. Like, what should I do or say? Suggestions? Thanks in advance.... tl;dr - My former friend and I ended our relationship on very messy and very bad terms. His grandmother died and we'll both be at the funeral. What suggestions do you have on interacting with him? Is there any advice you can give me to keep me calm?
Well...if you can, try to just ignore him if you don't know how you'd react. If you can get a sense of control on your feelings, be civil to him if he approaches you. Don't approach him, that may end up being a bad decision if he will still treat you the same. But offer your condolences. Point being, ignore him after giving your condolences OR act civil if he approaches you. Staying calm is kinda...difficult to give advice on. I don't know who you are or anything, so...it's difficult. But I recommend holding your breath if you feel you're going to say something "stupid" and then letting it out slowly once you feel you're "in the clear." It sounds weird, but it works sometimes. And then here's an old one: count back from whatever number, depending on how upset you are, until you've regained a sense of calm. No idea if that's helpful, but...yup.
I am truely sorry for your loss, luv. I suggest to let him come to you, if you don't trust yourself around him. As for the keeping calm, just stop moving, maybe look away from him and take a huge, slow breath..think like you are playing a tuba, you need all the air you can for that. Your lungs should feel very stretched out. Then, let the air flow out naturally. My other piece of advice for you is to let yourself cry, if you need to. Perhaps go outside for a second to compose yourself, if you need to. Hope I help a bit, luv.
Hrm...All i can say is...act civil. Remember this is a funeral not some sports game that you're going to end up meeting at. I would act as if on the level of "i've never met the person before" kind of attitude and see what happens.
Hun, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Losing someone can be tough. You are going to the funeral for a family friend. Tell him your condolences, and move away. That's it. There should be no implication that you HAVE to stay with him and talk to him. You are not there to settle old differences, to fight, whatever. Like others have said, keep your distance... this way you will have less chance to say or do something "wrong". If he tries to bring up the past, just let him know that this is not the time or place to be discussing it, and if he wants to (and you are ok with it) you can discuss it at a later point. Hope it helps... hugs.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I can handle offering my condolences and leaving it at that. Although I don't think he'll be interested in settling our differences, I probably would listen to what he had to say at a later date...
For the formality of the funeral and reception or whatever, I'd say keep it just that: formal. Like everyone else is saying, just be civil. I (fortunately) haven't been to a funeral in a long time, but I remember to some extent just repeating the same script over and over; sharing my condolences and keeping to small talk. I think for me if I were one of the people directly affected by the loss, I'd be too shaken up to even fathom talking about anything requiring more insight/opinion than small talk... but that's just me. By all means though, if he wants to talk, don't shut it down. Some people surprise us in ways we never quite expect. Offer to meet some other time possibly, after the funeral.
the funeral is not the time or place to rehash old mess from the past. you both have moved on. he is in a releationshp with a wife or husband now. there's really not much you can say and it sounds as though it ended on bad terms. all you can do is offer your condolensces and if he wants to talk about anything he can but i do not recommend you bringing anything up. if he ignores you there as well, just accept that he does not want anything to do with you and do not take it personally. sometimes people reject us because they may actually like us and cant and dont want to deal with that. you were being picked on in school. kids probably thought you were gay, he probably did not want the gay association. doesnt make it right but it is what it is. just say hello and be the bigger person.
