Hey all, Okay, I have been easing into being back here on EC because I sort of got chased into a corner a little while ago. (I stayed off EC while adjusting to college because I wanted to go in alone and see if I could make nice without worrying too much. THAT mission was accomplished... current mission, well, it's the part of the movie where I am tied down and the laser is slowly moving up the table towards, well, you get the reference) ANYWAY... I am getting driven crazy right now... Long story short; My female best friend got a boyfriend 2 years ago (I was closeted). He and I became really close friends. I started... getting feelings for him. I didn't want it to go anywhere, but, it was what drove me to admit to myself that I am gay. He ended up being the first person I told (NOT that I liked him, but that I liked men in general). AWKWARD PART STARTS HERE: When I came out to him, HE came out to me that he is bi... (in other words, S*** just got real) and I KNEW I could not admit to him that I liked him, because I NEVER wanted to get between him and his girl. Sadly, a few months went by, and, well, he figured it out... and for that reason, I needed to talk to him GF and explain before he said something stupid. She took it well at first and seemed to understand I wanted nothing to happen... it was just a crush, and I would move past it. Everything was going fine... until she suddenly got crazy possessive of him, and started trying to hide him from the world. Her insecurities led her to tell stories about anyone and everyone who occupied his time, INCLUDING ME... I got turned into public enemy number one and was essentially told "hands off" :bang:. By this time, I HAD gotten over him, and HE understood that, and so, we ignored her stupidness and stayed friends. RIGHT before I left for college, he told me that she was getting too crazy, and that he was going to end it. I told him to do whatever he needed to, but not to look to me either way, because it wasn't a safe place for me to help. That DID NOT stop her from blaming me for the breakup. :dry: PRESENT: He and I have been close since they broke up... He spends weekends at my house, we drive around a lot, and he is the only one I feel safe talking to. But we are just friends... I... don't think I ever REALLY got over him... :tears: I want more than to be his friend... but I know it is not a safe move. His interest in guys has gotten consistently more vocalized... and, well, it got my hopes up for awhile. But, it also explains why I felt the most outrageous jealousy when I was informed he had his first boyfriend. It basically killed me, which is why I started stalking these forums again. I admit now that I still do like him that way... and that being around him whenever I go home just serves to make me like him more! But it is pretty clear that he loves me as a friend, but nothing beyond that. REASONS I MUST KILL THIS CRUSH: :icon_sad: 1) It has been 2 years and I still keep suffering over it. 2) Even if things DID work out, it would be the greatest small-town scandal since Mrs. Butterworth was seen all over the Pillsbury Doughboy under Aunt Jemima's nose. 3) I keep setting myself up for disappointment, because he will always be there, just not in that way. 4) It is keeping me from looking anywhere else, even though I AM in Boston and he is in Vermont. (I am hopeless) 5) It seems like a never ending cycle... I get over it by focusing on school, but when I go home, the feelings always come back, and when I go back to school, I miss him so much it makes me sick. Please, can anybody tell me what I can do? I am just left without closure... There is always that one piece of me that can't let go, and he sneaks back into my head. He and I will NEVER stop being friends, because we really do care about each other, but I am the one who cares too much the wrong way. His interest is in me as a friend... However he did tell me at one point, and I quote "For instance, if I was just meeting you, you would be mine." (The context around it was him saying that he doesn't date friends. The conversation was not ABOUT me, but he used me as an example. Be that a hint he is on to me or not, it was still one of those things that made me feel, well, good... and horrible at the same time) :help: Nobody needs to tell me that I need to get over him, because I already know that, what I need to know is... how? He is always going to be there, and I need that. He IS truly one of my best friends... just... I need to be able to accept that is all he will be.
When you find out how to get over someone you love who doesn't love you back, tell me. I thought I finally got over mine because he's a real arsehole and I haven't thought of him like that for ages. Then last night I suddenly missed him so bad I cried again. So... I sympathise, I empathise, but I can't offer advice. ---------- Post added 18th Dec 2011 at 07:10 PM ---------- All mine will ever be is a friend. But once you dream of more it starts getting real awkward and I've never been able to recover the easy familiarity I once had with mine, sadly
Well, I don't think you can choose who you crush on...but you can certainly decide whether you act on those feelings or not. As a suggestion, you might want to try meeting other guys and looking for a relationship to distract yourself. But yeah, that's all I can offer as advice. Best of luck.
Hey, there is a few things you could do to help stop you crushing on him as much: 1)If you had one of those friendships where you can talk to the other person about anything and they will understand then you could tell him how you feel (as long as you make it clear you value the friendship you both have much more and you don't want to wreck it) as you never fully know how he feels for you, he may just think of you as a friend or he may think of you as more of a friend but maybe he may not want to tell you as he does not want to wreck the friendship you both have. 2) If you don't want to tell him then i think you should become more distant to him as being really close to someone who you like it not going to help your crush go away, by becoming distant from him it will help you stop thinking of him as much. 3)Also, when you begin to think of him, think of something else. 4) Think or write a list of all of his negative traits (as most of the time when people have a crush on people they think of them as perfect as all they see is the good traits,its not till after the crush has past when people start to see the negative traits of there ex-crush) 5) Also, what i find helps is listening to music (i know it sounds cliche) but don't listen to love songs as such just more general songs that you can emotionally connect too. Don't bottle up how you feel though if you have a close family member/friend you can talk too tell them it might help. Good luck
there is no one ez way to get over someone. the best thign you can do is just accept that it is not going to happen and focus your energy on things that can happen. i had a crush that was impossible and i let it go for years. feeling jealous and hurt because i was not getting the type of response i wanted. the person does not owe you anything. you owe yourself to find someting that will make you happy. get a piece of paper and right down what you want out of a bf. im sure you will find the attributes you want the friend currently has. but what he does not have is "he doesn't like you back the same way" so you have to find someone that will.
OK, I'll go the other way. Have you ever truly said to him that you wanted something more with him? I get the impression that you always considered him off-limits (and vice versa) due to your friendship with his ex, and your humurous idea of a small-town pancake scandal. But notwithstanding the fact that he has a new bf and you live in different states, are you sure he really only wants to be friends?
Make his name your curse? like, Bull*insert name here* ORRRR, look at his bad side and be disappointed by it 'cause it will be a total turn off if you see someone's negative side.
^^^THIS! THIS HERE!!!!^^^ He is messing with me... On the one hand, he is really my closest friend and tells me that I better be around forever. On the other, it seems like the IDEA is off limits to him because he sees breaking up with people, as, well, the end. (And with him, it usually is.) Personality wise, we are on the same level. We understand each other so well, that, well, we each understand the other is avoiding the topic, but neither of us can say why. Every time the possibility gets alluded to, it is awkward (obviously). Common words out of his mouth are "I know you don't like me like that anymore" and "If you were to like me like that, I would be flattered, but you would need to try to stop." My problem is, I can't tell WHY he feels I would need to stop. The way he acts around me, and how comfortable we are with each other, it's already like he is more than my friend... but, he's not. I can't tell if he doesn't want something more because he sees the same dangers I do, or if he JUST doesn't want something more. We agreed the first time this came out in the open (mostly me trying to cover my ass) that considering the circumstances, even if the feeling was mutual, nothing could happen anyway because he was in a relationship. Also, we both know our social lives would be crap because all the BS in our town. Before they broke up, I convinced him the feelings had passed, and that is where we stand in his mind. They haven't, but for the sake of preventing unnecessary drama, I have kept my mouth shut. (There was room in my old closet for this to go considering I vacated it). My problem is, I, well... would look past that now. I don't care what the idiots back home think anymore because they are jerks regardless whether I like him or not, because they believe I do anyway. But I can't tell if his dodging the topic is him enforcing the "off limits" idea, or the "I am not attracted to you" idea. I want to tell him... just to get that closure... but I am afraid that is a door that can't be shut. I don't want to keep wondering is anything ever COULD happen. But, I also don't want to lose my friend over some lame crush that wouldn't go anywhere. P.S.... they broke up. Like I knew they would because hey hardly know each other... and he asked out of peer pressure. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I am going to see him in 3 days. I can let this go until I am around him for awhile. Maybe I will figure out exactly where I stand. Anyway, I appreciate the replies. Sorry for throwing unsolvable problems at your feet. I'm just at wit's end.
If you want closure you need to talk to him. Sound hard, I know, but it works. I don't know him, or you, but alot of times when it seems like its is a one sided crush, it isn't...it is just both sides of the party afraid to act. Again, don't know if you guys are actually in that sliver of fear, even though it seems like there are quite a few relationships that start out that way. So, I'd talk to him. If he says for sure its just friends, it will help you. Hurt but help. Eventually you can move on and find a boyfriend of your own! Thats always the fun part .
Okay, I agree with the first part of this post. The fastest way to obtain closure is full disclosure, which means putting yourself and your feelings out there. Now, I will also be realistic with you as well. There may be a chance that he's crushing on you as well, but as someone who's been in a similar situation, there's a greater probability that he only sees you as a friend. You have to realize that some people are just like that. They willl do certain things while being completely oblivious to the fact that they're feeding your crush, and why should he stifle himself? For all he knows, you're over him.
