So I haven't told many people that I am trans. It's still something I am coing to terms with and I am tryign to be careful in who I tell right now because I don't want to let the cat out of the bag until I am ready to confront the challenges that it would present. The people I have told have all been girlfriends on mine and ones who I trust will not gossip about it with others. One friend of mine I have known for about 4 years now and she was the second person I told. She has generally been very supportive and tells me I should be confident in myself and not get down about my appearance so much and whatnot. Not necessarily that she really talks about the things I'm going through but she doesn't give me shit about it and she trys to cheer me up when I'm feeling unhappy. Well, we hang out a lot, and we have a lot of mutual friends. However, she is kind of dramatic and welcomes a lot of conflict into her life through her interactions especially with other girls. So I was hanging out with her yesterday and I needed to stop by another friends place to pick up my journal. Well, unbenownst to me, the two of them were fighting and it ended up turning into them yelling at eachother and me kind of caught in the middle as the mutual friend. Afterwards, we're hanigng out at her place after getting the journal. She is going on about how she's never going to talk to our friend again and yada yada yada. She eventually makes the statement, "I've said it before, but Leanna and Morgan are my only girl friends and they're the only one's I'm going to hang out with anymore." (Leanna and morgan are friends of mine as well) This statement really hurt my feelings because I spend way more time with her than either of them and our history goes back a lot further than them. Sarcastically I was like, "oh yeah, it's not liek I'm never there for you or anything." And here is where it hurt. She said, very non-chalant, "Well it's different because you're not 'technically' a girl." She didn't even realize that saying that was like slapping me in the face. I'm still very early in transition and have not yet started hormones, but she knows I'm transitioning, and she knows that I have been consistently suicidal for quite some time because of the stress and discomfort of being trapped with this hideous body. It made me feel like absolute shit. It made me think that even with all the times I have been crying to her and pouring my heart out and trying to explain how I feel on the inside, none of it makes any sense to her. To her it's like this is all just a game, for play. Like it's make-believe. I'm not "really" a girl. I'm just a weird boy. God I hate it so much. And this is someone who I genuinely thought understood me. I cannot even imagine how other people are going to react to me when I actually start presenting as a woman. I told her that what she said was extremely insulting and that my feelings were hurt. She apologized and whatnot, but I think just to keep me from being angry with her. She doesn't really understand what I'm going through. I don't know if anyone does. It makes me want to die sometimes. Gah! I just wish I wasn't this way. I wish I hadn't been born like this. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born at all. I feel like I'm some kind of crazy person and that I'm losing my mind. It's hard enough dealing with my own self-criticism, let alone putting up with other people's distorted misconceptions of what I'm doing and why transition feels like such a necessary thing for me to be happy. I suppose in the end, it doesn't really matter what other people think about me. Even though my friend may never view me as "technically" a woman, it doesn't mean I'm not one. And I just have to have faith that once it's all said and done, the rewards for defeating this terrible condition will greatly outweigh the struggles I endure along the way. I don't want to sound whiny or inconsistent, I just felt like putting this out there. Love you EC -Tristen
It's terrible that she said that. The best approach you can take is just letting her not affect you. She may never view you "technically" as a woman but it doesn't mean you aren't one like you said. YOU identify as a woman and it makes YOU happy and that's all that matters. In time people will learn to accept you for what you identify as and if they don't... well, nothing you can do about that except for move on.
I'm sorry this happened to you (*hug*) But I agree with Debug. Your friend probably simply doesn't understand what being an MtF means and not much can be done about it if she doesn't want to learn.
It doesn't sound like she said it as an intentional slight to you. She sounded completely caught up in her own drama and soap opera, and didn't even bother to consider your feelings in the slightest. (Presumably this isn't the first time you've encountered this. ) The best move is to talk to her after the dust settles. Just tell her, "I don't think you meant anything by it, but to say that I'm not 'technically a girl' kinda hurts. I may not have all the equipment, but to me, I AM female. That's what being trans means. For you to say I'm not 'technically a girl' suggests that you either don't believe that, or don't care. So it kind of hurts." It's best to do it calmly and factually, to let her understand where you're coming from. Lex
I agree, Lex. I think the only reason this time was different is that she says these kinds of things ALL THE TIME. I have to correct her frequently and no matter what her concept of me is never as a girl, always a boy. Some other women I spoke to on another forum have suggested that it's probably because I am still presenting as a male so subconsciously she can't see me as a woman yet, especially since she has such a limited understanding of what being transsexual really means. They think that once I start presenting female at least part-time it will be easier for my friends to catch on to the fact that I'm a girl and their mental image of me will eventually "transition" as well. This whole process is like a giant excersize in patience.
Or she could just be one of those people who just doesn't get it. And, I'm guessing, not just about this but about a lot of things. On a related-but-less-hurtful note, soon after meeting me, my sister-in-law told me that she didn't like the name that everybody else called me, so she'd be calling me something else. Which I wasn't aware that one could do, but apparently you can. So to this day, she calls me by a name that nobody else does. It's mildly irksome - really? can't call me by the sound everybody else uses? - but I realize it's more a reflection on her than on me. She has trouble getting her brain around concepts that are foreign to her. Lex
