Alright, I'm a 22-year-old gay male. So basically, I (pseudo) lost my virginity last night to a very attractive friend of mine. I say pseudo because I couldn't actually get it up. We made out for a good 15-20 minutes beforehand with plenty of foreplay, and then went for the bed. I was soft the entire time, and neither of us could do anything to get me up once we were in the bed. So he ended up getting off while I didn't. I enjoyed it regardless, and I know it wasn't an attraction issue. I'd had a couple shots and a glass of wine, but I wasn't even buzzed yet (I'm a fairly heavy drinker). He had way more than I did and was hard within the first couple minutes of us kissing and never flagged once. Any advice? He was very understanding about the whole thing, telling me it was fine and that I was great anyway, but it still made me feel pretty stupid. How do I avoid this in the future? Is it something I should be worried about?
It's fairly common for people not to perform perfectly their first few times. I could get it up my first time, but couldn't come. Other people enjoy their time, but can't get it up. It's nothing to worry about.
Biologically speaking, getting drunk actually makes you less likely to get an erection. And there's no such thing as pseudo losing your virginity. If it counted, it counted. If not, it didn't.
You were probably very nervous. I know my first time I was literally trembling. Of course I ended up lasting like 5 seconds... not that that's really unusual for me... nor do I care because I only really care to bottom anyway... Anyway, point is its different for everybody. Also, consumption of alcohol reduces blood flow to the extremities and can actually complicate getting an erection. That may have also played a factor.
Well then, what is supposed to count? Edit: I should clarify, I guess. I didn't even get hard, but I brought him to orgasm and swallowed. Does that count as losing my virginity? :\
"Virginity" is a meaningless concept. It has historically referred, at various points in time, to the rupture of the hymen, to being penetrated in the vagina and to penetrating or being penetrated in the vagina. Note that only the last applies to men. The idea of male virginity is very recent. Nowadays, people may consider all sorts of things to count or not count as loss of virginity. Penetrating the vagina, penetrating the anus, being penetrated in either, oral sex (though this is rare), or simply orgasming or bringing someone to orgasm (an even rarer conception). Until recently, it did not matter whether the act was or was not conceptual, and some fundamentalists still consider rape to incur loss of virginity and honor (this is the reason that in some cultures women who are raped are punished for being raped). Basically, the idea of virginity is that there's a non-sexual, pure state that is lost through some form of sex. However, this is quite ridiculous. Very few people are unaware of sex and sexual pleasure before the first time they have sex (most of us, after all, masturbate). And even if it were, what would entail losing this? Is penetrative sufficiently different from non-penetrative sex that it counts as descent from the pure state of virginity. Why? Ultimately, the only definition of virginity that makes any sense is the rupture of the hymen, but guess what? This can occur non-sexually. Many girls historically lost their virginity to a horse (and yes, that is what it was called).
this is normal for gay or straight or any sex. alcohol is actually not good for your libido. also, sometimes you're in your head about things and nervous and the stress makes you mind make you unable to get aroused.
Well (and I'll admit I'm stealing this advice from the one Lexington usually gives in situations like these): until now, you have spent a lot of time having sex by yourself. Masturbation pretty much was the standard practice. Which means that, to your reflexes, getting into it is something you seclude yourself for, making sure no one would barge into you while in a compromising position. But now... there suddenly was this guy there! Totally unusual situation for your reflexes to deal with, so they probably decided that when in doubt, it might be best to ay low for a bit And focusing on "must get hard" is only adding stress on top of it. So the solution that works best is, I guess: more practice at being at ease with someone else present. You apparently had a good time without getting hard anyway, so maybe just try to go in deciding to have a good time again, erection or no. If it works, good! If it doesn't: focus on everything else that is pleasurable. Odds are that by the next time, your mind has had the time to adapt to the idea that sex can possibly be enjoyed with someone else participating P.S. and like Liam says: virginity is not a really useful concept. If I were forced to give a definition, I'd say being naked with a guy with the intent to bring each other to orgasm kind of counts as sex and thus losing virginity, but I also wouldn't lose any sleep over silly definitions like that
Thanks, Filip. That helps a lot, and makes a lot of good sense. Glad to know that it gets better, hahah. I certainly had a good time regardless, so I guess that's what I'll look forward to in the future, regardless of how it comes about.
I have had this happen a time or two and its usually when I am thinking or worrying about not being to be able to get it up. Just try an not think about it.....just have fun.
All I can say is it happens some time. If you want it to bad then it will happen again. Just try to enjoy it.
At least Filip footnoted me. If you enjoyed it, that's literally all that counts. Let him know you're interested in round two. And you might not get hard this time, either. That's fine. Your only goal should be to enjoy yourself, and make sure he enjoys himself. Lex
