Letter to my mom

So this is a first draft of my coming out letter to my mom. The others to my brother and dad will be similar.
Let me know how it sounds and if there are any big things I should change.

***

So I have something really important to tell you, Mom, and I am not really sure how to say it. I want you to know beforehand that I love you more than anything and that I would not be the wise, intelligent, kind, and hard-working person that I am today without your guidance and love. I know that in the past your have told me that you would love me no matter what and that no matter what happens you would be there for me, and even though I trust you it has still been very difficult for me to get the courage to tell you this. I ask that you please read through this entire letter and give yourself time to think about and digest what I am about to tell you before calling to discuss it with me.
As you know I have been seeing a therapist for about 6 months. No one has ever really asked me about why I have been seeing her and why I have been having such a difficult time, emotionally and psychologically. I’m sure it’s just because you didn’t want to seem intrusive or rude and I don’t hold it against you at all for leaving me to myself. I do need to explain why I have been seeing her though.
There are actually a few things. A major one was my unhappiness in my relationship with Holly. Although I loved her and continue to love her, my relationship with her was just flawed and could not work. There were definitely positive things about our relationship, like our commitment to one-another, and our history that we shared together, but there were things about who I am that would leave me feeling unfulfilled, unhappy, and even suicidal at times.
When I originally called Gail (my therapist) to schedule an appointment, it was because Holly and I were arguing and I needed someone to talk to who had an outside perspective on me, on her, and on my entire situation.
Another major issue that I needed to address with her was my confusion regarding my sexuality. I know that it isn’t something that you probably like to think about or discuss, but it’s something that has caused me to be extremely unhappy, confused, anxious, and depressed for many years. I don’t want to explain every minor detail just to say that this facet of my life has always been a source of suffering and it was one of the factors in me coming to terms with myself and what I want out of my life.
The reason the last few months has been so difficult for me emotionally is because I have been forced to confront parts of my personality that I had hidden from myself and the world my entire life; things that I would hate myself for when I was a kid and feel like I was a freak or some kind of monster. I have been contemplating suicide on a daily basis for about 6 months. At first it was because I was unhappy with Holly and didn’t know how I could get out of our relationship without hurting her and without having to answer to myself why I was so unhappy. Then it was because of the shattering revelation of who I am and who I have always been and the fact that I should have been brave enough to confront these issues so much sooner than I have. And lately it’s because, sitting on the precipice of a new journey and preparing to enter into a new chapter of my life, I am afraid that I am going to lose my friends, my family, and the one’s I love more than anything in the world because of things that are beyond my control.
Once again I want you to know that I love you and that I will always love you and that I will always be your child and wish to be part of your life. So, here it is. There is no other way of saying it so, Mom, I’m transsexual. I have been my entire life. It is part of who I am and part of who I have always been. Only in the last few months have been able to come to terms with that fact, and before things get any worse for me mentally, I need to just come clean with myself, with my family, and with my friends.
I’m not sure if you have any idea what it means to be transsexual, so I’ll do my best to explain it. In the simplest terms, it means that even though I was born a boy, and have a xy chromosome structure and have grown to develop all the major and minor sex characteristics of a male, I am not a boy. My brain and the way that I view myself on the inside are as a girl. It’s like my brain and my mind weren’t made for this body. The scientific name of the mental condition is known as GID or Gender Identity Disorder, and the resulting feelings of unhappiness, anxiety, frustration, and self-hate is known as gender dysphoria.
There have been times since I was very young where I was extremely uncomfortable conforming to the behavior, thought processes, and expectations of men in our culture. It makes me feel like I am lying and that I am living my life like I am an actor pretending to be something I am not. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted with my reflection because it’s like I am wearing a costume that I can never take off. It makes me want to kill myself. Just thinking about it while I write this makes me want to kill myself. I hate it. I hate myself. I want to die every day because I can’t stand living my life like this anymore.
So, I explained these feelings to my therapist and have done a TON of research regarding the condition and how it can be treated. The methods known as “restorative therapy” are the type that seeks to condition the person to cure GID by making them change their self-image and thus learn to “live with” the body they were born with. This method has been proven to be completely ineffective as a treatment since GID arises through the structure of the brain and mind itself, and it cannot be alleviated through force of will.
The only proven effective treatment is a process known as transition. It involves altering one’s physical appearance in order to confirm the self-identity of the patient. Simply, it means that as a girl, I change my appearance so that I look like a girl so that I can comfortably live my life the way it was meant to be lived.
The biggest step in achieving this process is prescribed medication for hormone replacement therapy. It is a very slow process and definitely not something that happens over night. I have received a recommendation from my therapist to provide to an endocrinologist who will test my blood and liver for current hormone levels and prescribe me both anti-androgen medication and estrogen. Combined, they will prevent my body from producing testosterone and in turn alter the chemistry of my body and mind so that I am more comfortable in my head and more comfortable in my environment. It’s like going through a second puberty.
I know that this is probably an enormous shock for you. I hope that you understand that I never want to hurt you at all. I love you and the biggest fear I have had in telling you this is that you will not love me anymore and that you won’t want me in your life anymore. My therapist and other people with whom I’ve spoken have always said that I need to plan for the worst, which is what I have done. If you plan on disowning me or if you no longer want to be part of my life because of this, then my heart will be broken but I will still love you.
I just can’t go on anymore. If I don’t do this I am going to kill myself. I have already worked out how I would do it. I just can’t stand my body and I can’t stand living this way. I hope that you understand that I will still be the same person I have always been. I will still like video games, and hanging out with my friends, and learning about history and philosophy, and I will still love reading, and hiking, and swimming, and I will still love theater and writing, I will still be going to school and getting my degree, I will still have ups and downs, I will still have hopes and dreams and goals, I will still want to travel and to meet new people and to push myself toward success and happiness. I will still be me, who I have always been, but I just won’t be hiding this part of me anymore because I can’t.
Heather was the first person I told. I came out to her about it back in October. Since then I have told several other people, mostly girls, including Holly, my friends Joanna and Heather and Barb, some women I work with including one of my old bosses, and a few other friends as well. I wanted to post-pone coming out to you and dad and Patrick out of fear of rejection and loss. This is not something anyone ever wants to tell their parents, and it’s especially difficult having to tell my brother. But, I just can’t wait any longer. I need treatment as soon as possible and I didn’t think it would be right to start without letting you know everything that I have been going through, am going through, and will be going through.
I love you, and I hope that you will still love me as well. I’m sorry that I am not the son you imagined I would be. I hope that eventually you can recognize me as the daughter you never knew you had. If you want to talk to me or if you have any questions I will be very happy to talk. I have included support documents for parents of transgender children and I would encourage you to look through them.
I love you mom, and I always will.

-Travis / Tristen

 

Thanks everyone. I still have to change a few things, and I'm going to be working on the ones for my brother and dad as well. Although I have already told my sister, I am probably going to make on for her as well just to outline the plans I have for transition and what to expect. I don't plan on coming out til either january or february. I am hoping to begin HRT in the next few months and I want to be out to them before that.