Ok, so.... I'm going to attempt to edit myself... mostly with (beep)'s or ----'s or :***: Today sucked major :***: Period I have come to realize, my life is stuck on pause and the play button is broken. No joke. I do activity A and it turns out I was suppose to do B. My soul is (beep)ing dying here people. I feel like a zombie half the time... like i'm on auto pilot... like someone else is living my life and I'm just watching... I get passionate about my daughter, and that's it. Period. I can't seem to move forward, I can't seem to get a grip, I can't seem to be happy, no matter how hard I try. :***::***::***: I feel like a (beep)ing failure... I feel like I'm going to let my daughter down, that all I do is disappoint my family, and that people are nice to my face but secretly hate me... I feel fat, ugly, utterly repulsive... but I'm so scared of being alone... :tears: I don't want to raise my daughter alone, I dont want to be alone forever, stuck in this stupid little homophobic town... but I feel like I'll never leave... I want to get away from my opressive family, but I dont see that happening... I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore.... I don't see a future for me anymore.... I honestly HATE being alive, I HATE waking up in the morning, I HATE pretnding to be a good little christian girl who wants to be a good little country girl and marry a redneck boy.... Please dont think im suicidal, I'm not. I just feel like I'm living a lie, and i :***: hate it.... I have no money, no job ((despite trying non-stop, and finishing a CNA classes recently, still waiting to take my test)), no car, nothing to my name.... I have nothing... My day is spent doing classwork and / or with my daughter.... I dont go out with friends but maybe once every 2 months, I don't drink, I don't party..... I just feel :***: stuck...
I'm so sorry. I wish I could scoop you both up and shove you in my spare bedroom. I know there doesn't seem like a light at the end of the tunnel, but know that your current situation is temporary. You may need to hang tight for awhile, and you will probably have to endure this longer than you would like to. But it won't always be like this! You WILL be able to move out at some point. You may have to hang around Lake City, but once you get a job and a car, you can at least have your own space. Right now, focus on getting a job, and work towards saving up to get a car and move out. The counselor may have advice on getting the court to allow you to move out of town with your daughter. I SO wish you could get to Gainesville-- People there are so much nicer. Tallahassee is great, too. Just keep in mind that things WILL change. It is great that you are taking steps to work towards what you want-- Good luck on your test! Do you know when you will take it? Someday you will look back and think, "Wow, remember that time? It seems like so long ago. I have come so far!" You're just at a very conflicted point within a journey. Big hugs for you. (*hug*)
I can't really offer any advice, but to say that you know what you need to do to get out of there -- finish your CNA so you can get a job and money and move out of there. The issue of money especially in trying to create a family is an incredibly stressful issue (Much of my childhood was spent listening to my parents yell about money) and I suspect that once you get a job you will feel a lot better because you will finally have control over your life. To me it seems like you have a kind of fatalistic attitude: "I'm letting my daughter down" "that all I do is a disappointment to my family" but you are doing what you need to -- working hard in school to make for her a better. You will do the right thing since you do care so much about her. While, I can't be there with you to make this any easier, I am rooting for you and your daughter. You will get a job and move to a place where you can finally be yourself and you will find someone to complete your family. It has been my experience (as much as I once doubted it) that if you keep yourself open to the possibilities of the future, things tend to work out. Stay strong!
