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Subhuman

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Fugs, Dec 21, 2011.

  1. Fugs

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    For a long time I have been trying to put how I feel about myself into words, because for the longest time I couldn't describe it. I guess the best word I can come up with is subhuman, I feel and believe that everyone is better than me and that everyone has always been better than me.

    I've always looked up at everyone, I've felt that they have always had the right to judge me, and that everything they said had truth to it. I have a hard time getting in fights with people because everything they say I believe, then I focus on that and stand there speechless.

    It's not that I don't have feelings, but I believe my feelings don't matter. I almost never feel that I'm doing anything right, and believe that everyone else can do it better. So I often feel uncomfortable in groups, afraid to open my mouth for fear of saying something stupid. I have a tendency easily give in to peer pressure, I'll do almost anything people ask of me in public. Even if it's borderline abuse.

    I always second guess myself, and assume that what I'm doing isn't very good even before I start it. Which makes school projects difficult and normal every day writing stressful even if I do enjoy it.

    I don't really know what it's like but I assume that when any normal person looks in the mirror they see flaws, but good things as well. Not just things you can see, but how you are on the inside too. So everyone at least has something to fall back on, but I don't. My mirror reflects this grotesque thing that I can't imagine anyone loving or caring for.

    To me my worth is the value everyone else puts on me, and as far as I can tell it's a fairly weak and washed out bill that even the unfortunate would turn away. Which is why I don't have a problem cutting or thinking of death. Did you care when you broke those crappy happy meal toys you got from McDonald's? It's the same thing for me.

    Subhuman, less than human. That sounds about right as far as my feelings about myself go and have always been. I have a word for it, but that doesn't mean I know how to change anything, because if it was an easy fix I would have done it years ago.
     
  2. Lexington

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    As you say, it might help that you know have a way to explain how you feel inside. The next steps are the difficult ones of moving away from that.

    Lex
     
  3. Mogget

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    This is more on less standard for people experiencing depression. As you recover, you'll start to feel more human.
     
  4. Fugs

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    I've always felt this way though, even when I was a kid. I don't see myself recovering.
     
  5. Pilgrim is hot

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    That's how depression is, when your down you can't see a way of recovering, you don't know why you hate yourself and you don't feel like you can stop it. I have had some real bad times with depression and the only piece of advice I can really give is that If you don't have time to think about it you won't, by that I mean if you keep yourself busy and doing stuff (work,projects,or anything else) you will keep your mind off it. Also meditation and positive thinking are very useful tools.

    I know it can be really tough but just talk to anyone you can about it, trust me people you never thought would be supportive will be, depression is talked about a lot more nowadays and myself or any other EC members are always here if you want a chat.
     
  6. Marlowe

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    First of all, *hug* I'm really saddened that you feel this way about yourself. I personally believe that all human beings are incredible and that they just have to find it with themselves. I too try to find the good and the beautiful in others. After finally recovering from depression, I decided last year that it was too easy to find fault and bad in everything, in both myself and the world around me.

    I know that right now you can't imagine things being different, and just like you are in the process of recognizing what you feel about yourself, you also need to recognize that things can be better, but that you have to work at it. Something I have always found fascinating is that when I am in a bad mood, even just being grumpy from not eating, I recognize that this is the case, but I can't do anything about it. I tell myself to be in a better mood, but I still feel terrible, and I still snap at everyone. It was the same way when I faced depression. I knew it was bad that I thought about suicide and that I hated myself but I could find a way out of it.

    For me the first step was finally working up the courage to see a counselor. One day I woke up and realized that I couldn't wait any longer. I had no idea how they could help me, but I knew I needed help, and that if I did not get it, eventually things would go south, like real south. I would encourage you to do the same, they really helped me get my life together. If you are in college, most colleges give you access to free counseling services. They are usually an awesome bunch of people who want to work with college students and there is often someone who has an interest in working with LGBT students. If not insurance often covers counseling visits, with a small copay. It is a little intimidating to talk to a stranger about things you have kept so secret, but I think that finding the courage to do, will be a great step forward for you to prove to yourself that you can master this feeling and that you are strong.