Hey there, today began well. A friend of mine slept over. I kinda did the whole falling in love thing, I didn't want to, but he's just too perfect, except he's straight. I'm just gonna call him C. C pretty much always tells me that no one should have to hide who they are. C is homophobic, and I've only known him for a few months, but he has become my best friend. C told me his greatest secret. Although it was silly to me, I instantly realized that to him, it's serious that no one else know this. It isn't even that serious, but I respected his trust in me to tell me something about himself that he is embarrassed about. I love everything about C. His personality, his arms, his fice o'clock shadow, his more-to-love body, his experience, and his ability to speak two and a half languages. I was dying after C told me his secret. My friend, told me his greatest secret, because he felt guilty because he felt like he was lying to me. So today I told him my greatest secret. One I've kept for 11 years. C and I are like brothers. We wrestle like brothers, we sleep at eachother's houses like brothers, and we just hang out almost every day, like brothers. He really became my best friend. I told him about my last "best friend" and how bad of a friend he was. C swore he would never treat me the way my last best friend treated me. (sorry if this is long, I'm just really needing to tell someone about this, because it's killing me) C's entire family is homophobic. C was raised homophobically. And today, I'm not sure if I made the greatest mistake, or the greatest step out into my real life. C was at my house yesterday, and he sleeps over sometimes. I can't help but sometimes look at him when he's asleep. He is handsome, girls might not find him attractive/up to their standards, but I love him, so much. He slept over, and this morning we watched netflix on my xbox and we just chilled. So today before he went home, I said something, I don't know why. But I did. He and I really want to be the best of friends to each other. Because that's how we both are, so if something is wrong, we deal with it right there. I told him something was up, and while he was about to walk out of my door, he sat right back down. He is self conscious, so if he thinks that he's doing anything all to annoy/hurt me, he wants to know. He knows how my last friend was, he doesn't want to do those things to hurt me. And so, having my being gay and liking him on my mind, it was killing me inside. It hurts when someone tells you their greatest secret, and afterwards they ask you "did you want to tell me anything about yourself?", it was one of those heart to heart talks, you know? I lied and told him "what do I have to say? Everyone has secrets", so the guild was murdering me. It took me an hour and a half. He REFUSED to leave until I spilled the beans on what I was talking about, but I asked him to please not make me say it. I was just scared. I explained that it might make him not hang out/be my bro anymore. I don't really have any fears, but this is one of the very few. So I went to walk him home, because maybe I could get some courage on the way and tell him, he kept asking me, I kept telling him it isn't about him, but he knew it was bothering me, he wanted to know. So we got to the bridge, and we stopped. It was getting dark outside, the sun was setting, it was like the scene from a french movie. I told him that for the sake of our friendship, I don't think I should say anything. He didn't care, he explained to me that there was nothing I could say to make him not want to be my friend, he wouldn't judge me or see me differently in any way. He assured me, but I'm a critical thinker, all I can do is think of the worst possible situation, and that's what I always do, every day, I don't know why. (so sorry... It's really long, I'm just a redundant mess right now) So he just kept on guessing things, and finally he asked it. "Are you gay?" It was asked in such a non-chalant matter that all I could do it answer him back, "yeah bro". He asked me if I liked him at all, I said, "a bit" but later on told him how much I loved him. He knows what it's like to love someone and have your heart broken. He was really suprised. There was a lot of talking, about an hour more until I left home, he asked me so many questions, he assured me that he wouldn't see me differently, but he couldn't do some things anymore, and the things he stated really, really hurt: no more wrestling or sleeping over at eachother's houses. I explained to him that I completely understand why he doesn't want to wrestle (completely understandable) or sleep over. He's self conscious, and he knows I wouldn't do anything, but he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable asking him why he's uncomfortable. I can still come to his house like I did before, but I can't sleep over, I don't know why it hurt so much when these things were established, but it did. After much more talking, the sun was down, we were both on the bridge, looking at the water, it was getting dark, we could barely see eachothers reflection. I told him, "bro, you have stuff to do, you better get going, I'll see you later. Hit me up if you wanna hang out, okay?" He said "alright", I said my goodbyes, and tears began to fill my eyes but I dared not let one tear fall, I tried to walk away quickly, all I heard was, "wait, come here", so I walked back and he saw my face, he told me "why are you acting so cold towards me? It's going to be ok", I replied "I'm fine man, it's gonna be a little tough but it's cool bro." I said my goodbyes once more. "Come here B", he said so I went to him, gave him a goodbye handshake and he gave me a hug. I can control my tears fairly well, went through my Dad's funeral without crying much, shed a few, stopped, went on with the funeral. "B don't cry, come on", he pleaded, I told him, "don't worry C, I won't let any tears fall (although when I got home I just went in my room, got in my bed, and kinda let the pain flow out.)", he then said "B don't do anything stupid, please", I assurred him " I don't do dumb stuff like that bro, you saw how many knives I have, I don't have any cuts on me, I'm not like that, bro", with that I walked back home. After I got to my house, I went in my bed, told my lil bro I'm tired, so he left the room, I just let the pain flow out, I couldn't hold it in. It hurt so much to hear the consequences of my decision to tell him my greatest secret. I looked at my phone, he called me two minutes after I began walking home. He wanted to make sure I didn't do anything stupid, and it hurt me so much, because he really does care about me I feel better that I told him, but now, it just hurts so much more. In conclusion, I know he's going to see everything differentlly now, I won't sleep over at his house anymore, and I can't wrestle with my friend anymore. These are things we ALWAYS did, all the time, we both had fun. It just feels like something was destroyed inside of me, it feels like my chest is hemmoraging something, but it isn't blood, it just hurts. I couldn't return his call to due a massive black out that occured because someone ran into a pole. But after I cried some of it out, he was online. He pretty much told me how brave I was to tell him that, and how he knows it had to be extremly hard tell him, and that he was sorry he pushed me to tell him. He also explained to me that he knows a lot of straight people, and that compared to them I am more manly, mature, accepting, and better friend material than nearly all of them. I just feel like I lost a good friend. He still wants to be my friend, but, it just won't be the same. I have no idea what to do. I turned 21 this year, so I told my friends to let me know if they want to go to the bar, I'm prepared to drink enough to try to forget today, this is the most pain I've felt in years. It just hurts so much. If there are any methods anyone has to help me get over this, please help. I read somewhere that really made sense to me, that made me feel a tad bit better: "Because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." Thank you guys for reading this (I'm so sorry it was terribly long and ill-prepared), I really need some advice on what to do next. Because I am distraught. Thanks again.
Dang dude, I can imagine this must be rough for you. I can kind of relate and I think the only way I would ever tell my friends is if I was as pressured as much as you were. My immediate reaction was that your friend seems like a really awesome guy and if he says he still wants to be friends with you than all is not lost. I think everything will get better with time, and I would not be surprised if you guys are back to your usual selves before long at all. Just don't change how you act around him, and he will most likely follow along. Let him know that you would never try to make a move on him or anything like that. This way he will feel more comfortable around you as well. Who knows, maybe if you reassure him that there will be no funny business going on, you guys can eventually go back to spending nights at each others places and wrestling just like before. I think the key thing here is for you to tell yourself that there is no way you can ever be with him, because he is straight. Once you accept that, you will be able to reassure him better which will make him feel more comfortable around you. The more comfortable he feels around you, the better you guys can be friends. Anyways good luck bro.
Thanks for reading and replying man. Yeah, he still wants to be friends, I want to be friends too, I guess we can find other things to do, I just know it won't be the same. He is an awesome guy. Best friend I've had. Yeah I really hope everything is going to be ok. And yeah, I've been trying to accept that, he asked me so many questions about who I was going to be with, he told me that he thinks I need to come out of the closet because he knows it's killing me, he thinks it's going to destroy me, which it might. We got attached to eachother super quickly. I hope he keeps his word and doesn't change now, and I hope I can keep my composure and not change just because he knows that I was in love with him. I tried to dilute it by saying I like him a bit, but he got it out of me that I was in love with him. Thanks again for reading and your support.
Congratulations! It’s a big, scary step to make, especially considering you were being interrogated in a way. It sounds like all in all his reaction was alright, it’s you who seems to be taking it the hardest. Being that vulnerable and unsure with someone who you know and love is hard to do, but I think in time you’ll feel better for having told him. If the dynamic of your relationship as friends has to change, better it change from you being honest to him about how you feel. This is just a lot for anyone to take in; it may take a bit of time before things start to feel comfortable between the two of you again. You may not have the exact same relationship you had with him before, but you will have been honest and open with him (that counts a lot too). Hope all goes well for you; C sounds like a good, caring friend, I hope you feel good about your decision. P.S. I love long posts. =/
yeah, no problem man. I think something that helped me cope with my friends was to just telling myself right away that there was no way I could ever be with them, so I was sort of able to turn off my attraction towards them if there was some initially. I don't know exactly how I do it, but it can be hard sometimes. I just think about how much weirder and different it would make our relationship, and that usually helps some. This might help in the future, I don't know. Just something to consider. I am not advising this, but if you do decide to tell more people, make sure you are not coming out to others because of him. If you come out it should be because YOU are actually ready. And even though things might not be the same, there is no reason they can't be even better. Think how lucky you are to have a friend that you can hang out with who knows all of you deepest darkest secrets. A lot of guys would kill to have what you could have. And in retrospect everything could have gone much worse. Still though, I know you are probably feeling pretty down about the whole thing so just try to think about the positives. And remember, only time will tell what develops from this whole thing. The only thing you can do now is move forward and try to make your friendship with him as normal or special as you want it to be. I personally think that you guys will work things out really well. Just try to remember how he must be feeling and you should be fine. Best of luck dude.
Thanks for reading and replying GuyDC, he did kind of interrogate me, his reaction wasn't abrupt, he just asked "you're gay? Really? You aren't lying to me right?" cause I REALLY didn't wanna tell him, so maybe he thought I would say anything not to tell him. I do feel better after telling him, but since it's only been a few hours after I told him, I'm not sure if I regret doing so. I usually have no regrets, I learn from my mistakes, but I think me telling him will make us better friends, atleast now we know EVERYTHING about eachother. When he asked me how I felt about him, I told him, "well, how would you feel if you were next to a girl you were in love with all of the time", he took it well and understood exactly what I meant. I just really do hope he still wants to hang out from now on. If he calls me tomorrow, I'll be really happy, if he doesn't I don't know how I'm going to feel, probably really sad. But I don't think I should call him. Should I? Thanks again for for your advice and input GuyDC. ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2011 at 12:08 AM ---------- Thanks Alex, I totally understand what you mean when you say "don't come out because of him", I was actually thinking that I should, but then I thought about how accepting and mature C is, and that not many people are that mature or accepting. I've been trying for about a month that tactic, the one where you tell yourself there's no way you could be with him. It hasn't worked for me maybe because I hadn't been sure. My mind maybe had some strange thought that maybe we could be together, that maybe it would've worked out as a relationship deeper than friends. But now that I know that it won't, now that I've reached the bottom, I guess all I can do is go up. Thanks again for your input man. Also, is it that rare to have someone that you know everything about and he, you? I mean this is the first time in my life, but I thought everyone had someone like that.
anytime man, I think when you are in the closet it is much less likely to have someone that knows everything about you. I still do not have anyone that knows everything about me although I am considering the idea of perhaps telling one of my close friends about my sexuality. However, I am still not close to actually acting on it and I am already 20 years old. I guessed that you were younger than me but I could be wrong.
Hey man, your story really reminded me of my first coming out experience: when I was about 16, I was hanging out with my best bud and he was really down because some girl didn't like him, and I was trying to comfort him but I was really struggling with being gay at that point. I remember saying to him 'Look don't worry about man, you'll be fine,' and I think I said something along the lines of 'you'll be better off than me in life anyway'... and he picked up on it and said 'What do you mean by that? Is there something you've not told me?' Basically we hung out for hours with me saying I'd tell him some other time, not now, and he kept pushing and pushing, and I remember saying that I couldn't tell him because he'd hate me for it. Eventually he said 'I think I know what it is... are you gay?' and I said 'No...' and he said 'Cause even if you were it would matter to me...' and I remember interrupting and saying 'OK I am...' and just bursting into tears... I was so depressed for weeks, my other friends were really worried about me. Thing is, I felt exactly the same as you, I thought that my mate wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore, and we were in a band together at the time and I even thought he wouldn't want to play music anymore. But to be honest, we're still great mates ten years down the line, it hasn't changed anything, if anything he's always said he's really touched that I chose to tell him before telling our other friends. Your mate sounds pretty similar to mine, I reckon he'll be absolutely fine. On the other thing - come out to other people when YOU feel ready, don't let anyone pressure into doing before you're ready.
Congrats on coming out to him! It's sad that your relationship will change... but the good part is that you still have a relationship, even if it's not the one you really want. He's still your friend, and he seems to accept you for who you are; that is amazing. :] Yeah, it's going to hurt that he doesn't want to do some of the things you used to do... right now, anyhow. Maybe some day that'll change and he won't mind wrestling or spending the night again, but for now he doesn't want that, and that's going to feel rough. Just realize that he is trying to respect you, your feelings and establish a boundary; he cares, and that's a good thing. Just give it some time. Eventually, you'll feel right again. Change is rarely easy or pleasant and this is a change for both of you.
@Alex: Yeah, I'm a year older than you, and I totally know what you mean. Just because they are a close friend doesn't make it easier, not at all . @Thevedman: Wow, your story is really similar, I'm really glad it all worked out, it takes a good, mature friend to actually understand what you're going through. And yeah, I don't regret telling my friend, because he deserves to know, but I won't tell others lightly. Thanks for your input man. @Seeksanctuary: I am really happy he is still my friend. I am just happy that he accepts me for who I am, and he doesn't want me to change that. Maybe one day he won't feel awkward about me coming over, you are so completely right about him setting boundaries, he assured me it isn't because he's afraid I'm going to do something, but because he knows I really like him. He told me about how he used to be room mates with this girl, and he really liked her, they were really cool, then he told her that he liked her a lot. And it destroyed everything, really hurt him inside. He doesn't want that to happen to me, he doesn't want me to sleep in the same room with someone I like and be tormented like he was. He really is my best friend. I went to his house yesterday, I brought him his Christmas gift, nothing too big, but he appreciated it nonetheless. But it was pretty awkward. I stood up for about an hour, didn't sit down in his room, I had planned to just drop his gift off and leave. I was just feeling so down yesterday. I couldn't sleep, I did a ton of push-ups just to wear myself out so I could sleep, and this was around 5 am, I only got about 3-5 hours of sleep that night, I ate nothing the entire day, my appetite wasn't there. He asked me if I wanted some food, I told him I didn't think I'd be able to finish it if I tried, I just wasn't hungry. So he offered me food about 5 minutes later, he knew I was still really sad, I told him I couldn't finish it again, and let him know I tried eating earlier, but it just wouldn't go down. So I just sat there, he went to check on his little brother. And he came and let me know "bro, I asked you if you want to use the computer, and I'm asking if you want something to eat, I can't really do much else". I just sucked it up and told him "alright man, I'll try to eat something". I felt kind of bad because I just didn't have an appetite, and he offered me food, and the food his mom makes is SO terribly good. So we went and ate at the table. He is probably the best friend I've had in my life. The most caring friend I've had in my life. The most supportive friend I've had in my life. The only thing that hurts is that I don't think that I'll ever be able to find someone like him, ever. He's just perfect in my eyes. I mean things seem better now, they seem more appropriate, he still jokes around, a lot. He really understands me, and I don't know how. He told me his secret, so he knows how hard it is to tell a secret that is important to you, but he also comprehends that mine is on a whole different level, and that although his secret people won't really care about, letting people know that I am gay is going to take precision. It's going to take guts, and it's going to hurt at times, he knows this, and I don't understand how he can understand, but he honestly does. He wants me to come out, he believes that even though I have hidden this for 11 years, it's affecting me negatively, and I agree. I was just playing Battlefield 3 by myself and I don't know why, but I started hearing his voice resonate throughout my mind. Him just softly telling me "You need to tell people, it's who you are, if you don't let this out it's going to destroy you, bro", and it kept on replaying throughout my mind, I just started tearing up. I had to get off of the game, it was killing my K/D ratio, and I just didn't feel like playing after that. All I could think of was, "he really does care about me, I have other friends, but no one cares about me like he does", then the feeling about me never being with someone like him overtook me and started burning me inside. The reality that hit me the day before yesterday was bad, the reality that we would never be together. But all it does it continuously burn me, continuously scorch me with the unfortunate truth: that I may never be with someone like him. Being his best friend is enough for me, I want more, but I've always been one to want what I can't have. Thanks for your advice and input you guys. It really does help.
i think you have a really good friend here and he definitely wants to stay friends. he is understanding and i think the no wrestling and no spending a night over houses is more about protecting you than it is about him not wanting to be around you in that way anymore. when you know somoene not only likes you but loves you, you dont want to do things to lead them on or make them feel worse so there is a certain level of distance that the person that cares about you has to have and that's really for your own good even when it doesn't feel like it. crushes hurt but i think the good thing about this is that you were able to come out to someone and it was received well and they still care about you. i think that it will giveyour more confidence when and if you chose to come out to others in the future. another way you can see it is that that you do not have the "what if" thoughts. i liked someone a lot. i used to be so excited when i would see their text messages. gosh, i do not think i have been that excited before or since really about someone. i crushed big time and it was exciting. but he was straight and i was devastated when i told my big secret and it didn't work out. but i never had to wonder what if. so that felt great. it will hurt when you love someone and they do not love you back the same way. but the good news is they still love you and care about you and thats way better than them flipping out and being a totally differnet mean person to you. it actually unfortunatley makes you love them more becuase you see how compassionate they are. but one thing i can say is that you'll feel love again. one lesson i learned from my situation is that i guard my heart now more with guys that are straight or guys where i am not quite sure if they are straight or gay. i just dont want to go through that again and again and again.
I love reading your story, and I will tell that I've had the same situation happen to me.... twice. Two friends that I had found myself falling for in different points of my life, and both of them were straight. Like you, I hit them both with a double whammy by telling them I was gay and that I had feelings for them. During the first occurence I was about 20, and my best friend's reaction was: "I don't care about you having feelings for me, dude. You're like a brother to me, and I love you, so there's nothing you could've said to make me feel any different". Our friendship ended up growing stronger, and then, the same thing happened to me with another friend five years later, and I haven't spoken to him since the day I came clean with him. It sucked, but I moved on and was able to let it go. From your story, it seems like you have a true friend who won't abandon your friendship, so cherish that, dude. Trust me, you placed a lot on his plate. Telling him that you're gay is one thing, but by telling him that you loved him, you also included him in the anxiety around your confession. Imagine you were friends with someone who confessed their love to you, and you knew that you didn't feel the same way. It would make things a little awkward, don't you think? It may hurt right now, but don't take offense at him not wanting to wrestle with you or stay the night anymore. This may actually help you get over him, which may have crossed his mind as well. Lastly, don't fool yourself into thinking that you'll never find someone like him. I've told myself that after my situations happened, and now, I'm with a guy who loves me just as much as I love him. Trust me, love will find you. Just try and control your emotions and behave as normally as possible, and I'm sure your friendship will return to normal.
