Help!! I can't come out to myself!!

Hey, welcome to the site =)

I think a lot of what you described is pretty common, and for the most important part to better accepting yourself is time. Once you realize that you can lead a happy healthy life as an out individuals, those mental barriers can begin to decay. Yet that still takes time.

Do you have any specific hang ups with being gay that might be holding you back.

I wish you the best of luck (*hug*)

 

This may do nothing to help, but...

Try to find why you pushed it away in the first place. Once you do that, you need to try and come to terms with that. Is it easy? Hell no. But it just might be worth it. You really just...you need to understand the root of the problem and do your best to fix it.

I'm not talking empty words right, I went through what you are right now. Minus the coming out, getting a girlfriend (I do realize you said boyfriend), and hanging out with gay people (unless they were and didn't say anything). I didn't accept is in anyway. And you might as well be doing the same is you can't seem to get yourself to admit it to yourself.

The real first step to coming out is to admit it to yourself and get comfortable with that fact. But that may just be me... Others are entitled to their opinion.

So you kinda have to start over. Discover the reason you can't admit it to yourself, sort that out, admit to you that you're gay, get comfortable with that fact, and, finally, try to stay comfortable and get happy. That's the best advice I can give, sorry.

---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2011 at 03:48 AM ----------

And welcome to the site! :smilewave

Hope you find all that you need

 

Being there. Done that.

Everyone on EC can relate to you there. Welcome, by the way :smilewave

What held me back was my religious beliefs. Not sure whats holding you back, but it helped me to remember and constantly remind myself that religion is not what God says, but what people say about what God says. I still struggle with this, honestly.

Best thing to help you is to take a good look at yourself. Figure out what is holding you back and how to overcome that. You can't force yourself to accept yourself, but by coming here you've made a brave first step

 

Okay, I might be dramatically missing the ball here, but personally, I don't think this really needs to be a problem.

Or, let me rephrase that: if it's causing you grief, it's something you should tackle, but don't feel like you should change your life to conform to some "ideal gay stereotype".


For example: I can't say "being gay" means all that much for me. Obviously, when topics like dating or relationships come up, I'm open about the fact that I only really see a future with a guy. On a very few select opportunities, I'll even be flirty with a guy.But the other 90% of the time, my sexuality is rather undefined. When I'm walking down the street, when I'm at work, when I'm having dinner, when I'm playing computer games, when I'm meeting up with some old friends from highschool... I'm really neither straight nor gay. Those activities just don't involve my sexuality, nor do I feel a need to bring it into that.

I am pretty straight-acting (at least to the point where most people I came out to were legitimately surprised). But that's not an mask. It's just the way I normally act around people. So there too i don't feel a need to play up my gayness.

And sex and attraction... I don't really easily notice guys either. More than I notice girls, yeah, but almost never to the point where i'll feel attracted to a stranger. Nor does the fact that I'm single annoy me to such lengths that I'd go out actively searching for a relationship. (which doesn't mean I'm not open for opportunities if they come along)

So, by the above, I can't really say that I attach a lot of meaning to "being gay". Mostly it means: "I don't lie about being straight". And for me, not pretening I'm something I'm not is quite enough already. If I ever want to attach bigger significance to it (e.g. by being more involved in activism or regularly patronising the local gay establishments), there'll still be opportunities at that time.



So, I'm just wondering: how much of the problem you describ is you being unhappy with how you're living right now, and how much is you really feeling unable to do the things you want to do? Why did you engage in this "forced sex" if you weren't really feeling like you needed it?
How do you feel about just living your life like you want it and just not avoiding "gay stuff" if it comes up instead of feeling obliged to seek it out?


In any case, trying to force yourself isn't going to work. If you want to change your life or your level of self-acceptance, it means being OK with what you have now and slightly opening up your boundaries.
If you like getting off to stories, then that's nothing to be ashamed of. Keep doing that. Maybe occasionally try if iagining yourself in one feels better or worse.
If you feel like you want to socialise with gay people, then don't spend every evening of the week with gay people. Maybe make it an occasional thing once every week or once every other week.
Push your boundaries and see if those small changes feel OK first, before making drastic changes that turn out to be not your kind of lyfestyle.

 

wow, well said filip

 

I have to agree with Filip. For me, being gay doesn't really affect any aspect of my life other than who I am sexually attracted to. Don't you think it would be a little strange if being gay altered the way you went about your daily routine?

 

Filip's comments are spot on. Also, my sexual activities is really my personal business and doesn't come up in my relationships that aren't sexual and my regular day-to-day activities. I have found that once I tried to stop fitting in any particular mold, I felt more comfortable in my skin and actually got more confidence in all aspects of my life. I'm living just being me with no pretexts or molds to fit into. Once you let go of trying being something you're not, you can be yourself naturally--it's so freeing and stops sucking up so much of your energy.
Tracker

 

I've heard other people say that they lost their sex drive after coming out. If I had to speculate I would say its because they are feeling a lot of anxiety about whether coming out was a good idea or not. If this is what's happening with you, then I think you should just be patient, know that you did in fact do the right thing, and it should return on its own.

 

Accepting the fact that you're gay isn't the same as being happy about it. Is it possible that this is the case?

I would think that it's very possible that you could outwardly "accept" yourself as gay, but inwardly feel that somehow you're inferior, or have failed yourself in some fashion.

Depression and self-hate (even if it's buried down deep and almost unnoticable) can definitely cause diminished sex drive.

 

I know what lazyboy means.

There are some days that I love being gay. There are others that I hate it and hide it from myself and cling to my completely superficial attraction to guys to prove that I'm 'straight'. It'll take time for me to fully accept myself, I know, but I also know that I'll be happier for it if I can. So take the good days and the bad as part of the package and try to focus on the good.

The fact is, you may not be a very sexual person. I'm a romantic, through and through. I dream of walking on the beach and talking and watching fireworks with my girlfriend. She is more physical contact driven. Not a problem. We just need to figure out a compromise, which we have. It's not wrong to be not sexually driven at all.

 

First of all: never apologise about previous posts! Never be embarrassed. There's no such thing as a silly queston.
And no, you didn't get your point across badly. I think I just latched on to the title too much (where you mention "coming out to myself") and didn't focus on the sexual side when I got to that part.

Also, it's a forum. Which means we have all the time we want to keep replying to each other's posts. We might not have answered you on first pass, but we're all still around to make another pass at it!


I'm thinking that it could be a combination of factors:

- First of all: anxiety, depression, stress: all of those can have a bad effect on sex drive. As can, in fact, the medication to combat those problems.
So: to start with, it might be best to ask if you are either taking any medication, or are feeling listless, stressed or depressed. In which case you might want to consult a doctor, as that moves it squarely into the medical area.

- Secondly, I'm wondering if you might want to take a step back and "reconnect" with it, instead of insisting on making a "big leap forward". Those almost never work out. In fact, I don't know anyone who rushed into full-blown sex and didn't regret it afterwards, or at te very least failed to get anything out of the experience.

So: going back to that first post of yours, you mention being excited when reading stories. That's a start (and, in fact, nothing to be all that ashamed of. I have no problem admitting I like a good story every so often). So maybe next time you have an opportunity: go back to that. Read something that legitimately excites you, and do what comes naturally. Don't feel bad about "this isn't real sex". Get off, and enjoy the feeling.
And keep going back to that. And see if it becomes comfortable and pleasurable instead of shameful.

After that, maybe try moving into slightly more participative territory. Write a story. See if you can imagine what you would do if inserted in your favourite story. See if that continues to be exciting.

The objective here is not to have real-life gay sex within the month. Just to go back to what works and see if you can move forward from a comfortable position, instead of trying to force yourself to feel OK in a "strange land", as it were.


- Finally... How about non-sexual attraction? I mean: my initial attraction to people is never sexual. I just find myself enjoying some people's company, from that a crush develops, and nly after quite a bit of time there's a possible sexual aspect. Though I'm quite slow to develop that. I can't say I really fell for someone (by which I mean more than a slight infatation) more than 4 times in my life.
So I'm wondering: you mention a boyfriend in your first post. How did you find him then? And do you ever feel platonic attraction? (as in: "he's nice to hang around with!"). Might be that you're just one of those guys who needs a long lead-in, instead of jumping right into full-blown attraction.


Last but not least, it bears repeating: you're not "broken" or "messed up". It's not as if we don't all have our issues. It might take some time to work through them, but there's always a way out. I have faith you will find your way. And we're all here to help with that!

 

good on you again filip.

blue, you're no zero. i have lived my life in anxiety and have felt like a zero for a long time. i am not a zero and YOU are DEFINITELY not a zero, even though we might feel like it sometimes. your feelings will often lead you astray. one of the places my anxiety comes from is the high standards i place on myself that are merciless. ugh!

don't let the concept of what you think you "should" be overshadow who you are... and that is an extremely well spoken, expressive, sensitive guy... and THAT is extremely attractive...

i would suggest you get involved in some activity that you enjoy and start developing relationships (personally i suck at relating to people and need the practice too). let them develop by being open about things you like and the things you like about people, you'll have your ups and downs, but simply relating will be a good next step. perhaps one will evolve into something mutual and romantic. perhaps not.

lots of us put undue stress on ourselves, but if i were with you now, i would point out 10 positives about you that may even be more 'you' than the 'expressing your sexuality' piece.i tell you, you are a masterpiece in progress blue, so no judgment. that there are lots of people where you are at buddy and it's really ok

---------- Post added 26th Dec 2011 at 07:53 PM ----------

incidentally blue is one of my favorite colors