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college and coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by polskagola, Dec 22, 2011.

  1. polskagola

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    Hey everyone,

    I am 19 (male) and living in the Southeastern U.S. Sometime during my senior year of high school, I came out to 2 of my close friends (1 male, 1 female). Both reacted overall very well, one was kind of surprised and I am pretty sure that the other one already knew. After I came out to them, I made a definite mistake by never bring it up again. I really wish I had of affirmed my coming out to them somehow, even with simple things like expressing that a guy looks cute, etc... I was/am still closeted to 99% of people and as a result I felt like I was still straight-acting and not really being myself.

    It has been about a year since I told those 2 people, and I am now attending a giant public university (UGA) in the South. In the summer before I went off to college, I was definitely excited at the prospect that I would be able to start clean next year, and be able to establish myself as a homosexual. I felt and still feel that its a lot easier to come out to people who have no expectations of my sexuality and that coming out to old friends who

    Things didn't really work out quite like I planned when I went to school. A lot of friends and classmates that I graduated HS with also ended up going to the same university and the expectation of my heterosexuality came along with them. I am upset with myself to say that I haven't come out to anyone else since high school. I feel like going away to college has actually pushed me back into the closet, exactly the opposite effect I expected and wanted it to have.

    I feel like many of the friends I have made at school probably wouldn't take me coming out very well. In regard to one group of new friends, I was casually told by a mutual female friend that they are "pretty homophobic" and I felt like she was trying to warn me against coming out to them (despite the fact that I never told her, I wouldn't be surprised if she suspected me). I feel like me being gay is a ticking time bomb, and that its only a matter of time until my friends figure it out and all of the friendships I have made in school so far will be destroyed. There have already been a couple of awkward situations where "So, do you have a girlfriend?" and similar questions come up. Thus far, I've made it through with changing the topic or just kind of avoiding the topic, but I can't help but think they must notice the change in my demeanor when those kind of topics are brought up. I feel like surely someone is observant enough to sense my discomfort and angst.

    I guess the point of why I am posting this is that I don't really know what to do. I am so angry at myself for allowing this to spiral out of control like it has, especially after I spent months assuring myself that coming out once I was away at college would be quick, easy and painless. I am resentful that I have to go a school with such a conservative student population because of finances. I am genuinely terrified of coming out (or being outed) because I know I won't be treated the same as I am now. I hate that I am ashamed of my sexuality, I hate that I don't have the courage to come out and most of all I hate that I straight-act and constantly lie to my friends because of it.

    I'm sure that some one will tell me that if my friends don't stick by me, they probably weren't great friends to begin with. That's true, but doesn't make it any easier to lose friends at a new school for something about myself that I wish I could change so badly. I wish there were an easy, subtle way to come out - where I could mention it naturally in conversation and not have to awkwardly bring it up but I REALLY wish I just didn't ever have to bring it up at all. Thanks for reading, any advice is appreciated.
     
    #1 polskagola, Dec 22, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2011
  2. jargon

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    Hi there polska (are you Polish, by the way? Im a polack myself (!) ). Welcome to EC!

    I'm in a slightly similar situation, but I must admit, mine is more favorable. Going to a public university in New England, the environment is very liberal and open-minded, and not that many people care all that much about your orientation. I did grow up in north Florida, though I know a little bit what its like down there.

    Does your school have any kind of Alliance group, or something similar? Looking into this would be my best suggestion. This forum is great for advice, but this way you have actual people who are/have been in the exact same situation as you. They know the environment at your school, the general climate in the region where you live, etc. Furthermore, its a great place to make friends that wont discriminate against you.

    If theres no such group, my advice is still similar, but maybe harder: try to make friends with people who are more tolerant. Its understandable not wanting to tell your current friends, but not wanting to lose them either, but if you have people around who will really accept you, that tends to become less of a worry. Other organizations that arent explicitly pro-gay might still tend to be more accepting than the general population. If theres not gender studies program at your school, social workers and sociologists tend to be more educated and open-minded about these things, at least where I live.

    I hope this has helped some. I'm still mostly stuck in the closet myself, but I'm making progress, so I know it can be done! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets!

    Well, you actually can pretend like everybody knows already, and just talk about it like it's no big deal. The only reason this won't work is the way you still feel about it--to you, it really is still a big deal.

    But if you have the confidence, you can just act like it's common knowledge, and when people are like "Wait... you're gay?" you can just be like, "yeah, you didn't know?"

    Eventually, this is the way you will always come out, because there will always be more people in the world who don't know. People will find out by it coming up in conversation.

    Of course, I know for me, until I made a point of it, it really didn't come up naturally in conversation. Nobody ever bothered me about how I never had a boyfriend, and since I never had a girlfriend either, it wasn't like I could just refer to a girlfriend or an ex casually. It's been much easier since I joined the lesbian choir--now I just talk about choir stuff, and then people ask me what choir, and I tell them. Straight people then mostly assume I'm gay. (Lesbians are another story--I can perform at gay events as part of the lesbian choir and still have most of the other lesbians looking at me like, "what's this straight girl doing here?" Sometimes I feel like I'll never really fit in anywhere.)

    In addition to helping you meet new friends, as jargon mentioned, joining any kind of queer group at school could fill this role for you, allowing you to refer to the group in casual conversation as a way of coming out.

    But yeah, for the most part, if you present it like it's no big deal, and you aren't looking for anyone's approval, well, most people will act like it's no big deal, and won't think they have any right to tell you how to live.

    The only exception is family really--sometimes, they think they have a right to tell you how to live. Actually, sometimes, they even think they have an obligation to do so. Finding out can be kind of traumatic for them, too. If you think there's a chance your family will be upset, it's probably a good idea to be more conscientious of how you go about telling them.

    Anyone else, you can pretty much use the method I described above. The only problem is, you might not be comfortable to do it. And one drawback to this method, depending on the circumstances, is that it really means being out kind of generally--it gives the people you are out to the impression that it isn't a secret, so they aren't likely to keep it confidential.

    However you decide to go about it, I recommend the girl who mentioned your other friends' homophobia as an excellent person to come out to. Homophobic people don't think other people's homophobia is anything worth commenting on. :icon_wink

    Then, you could ask her if she was warning you against coming out to them, or what. If she really did suspect that you are gay, I think it's more likely that she meant you shouldn't get too close to them in the first place. Why make friends with people you know won't accept you?

    If you aren't ready to totally come out, you could consider just voicing a positive opinion about gay issues. Based on how people respond, you can get a general idea of how accepting people will be.

    On the other hand, a lot of people in their first year of college have never really known a gay person before (that they know of), and when a friend of theirs turns out to be gay, it can alter their ideas drastically. So, the response that they themselves think they would have, when the scenario is presented in the abstract, may be significantly different from their actual response to your concrete self.
     
  4. Meropspusillus

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    You've gotten some good advice: seeking out a GSA or similar group would probably be really helpful (they can be good places to come into yourself). My advice to add onto that is that coming out is sort of like going into a cold lake. You can inch in, bit by bit, but really the best way to do it (for most people) is to just jump in. The method by which you tell people is up to you, you can tell all you're friends, or you can just start pointing out guys you find attractive and wait for people to notice or any of a number of coming out methods.

    But it's one of those things you just have to go for. You might lose a friend or two, and that sucks a lot. But you're going to come out eventually, and most people will probably still around.
     
  5. stumble along

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    Hi there! I know what you mean about finances and I'm trying to avoid going to local universities as well ( I'm also in Georgia, parents made me apply to tech and UGA too)

    I probably even go to your old highschool but if even that isn't the case there are a lot of people who are accepting of being lgbt if i were you I'd go try and seek them out and try to be friends with them. Georgia is a pretty conservative place overall but Atlanta is supposed to be a pretty safe place (they have gay bars and pride parades like every year)

    Just my two cents you've gotten a lot of advice already,

    If you wanna talk I'm here!
    Go dawgs!
     
  6. polskagola

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    First, thanks to everyone for the advice and support.

    As added background, I am living off campus my first year (pretty much 100% of freshmen live in dorms), so most of the friends I have made outside of my classes are between the ages of 22-25. The particular group of friends I am worried about is pretty conservative. While no one has said anything explicitly homophobic, the topic has never been brought up and it wouldn't surprise me at all if someone did. They are all pretty stereotypical southern guys (but educated), into hunting, fishing, trucks etc...

    In my first semester (that just ended) I did take a class about social justice and the class was full of gay/bi/accepting people (even the professor introduced herself as a 'queer woman' on the first day). During conversation in class, a girl told me she was bi and I casually responded that I was gay. It felt great to disclose it in conversation and move on like as if I had just told her the color of my hair. A few weeks later, while working on a project for the class another male classmate (who was openly gay) casually invited me to go to some sort of LAMBDA/GSA pride event. Despite the fact that I was openly gay to the members of the class, and was confident that he realized I was gay - I tensed up right away and felt uncomfortable, and ended up declining the offer right away. I really have no idea why I was so uncomfortable, especially given the fact that he was already out to everyone and was obviously not judging me. It is seriously like I straight-act defensively without even thinking about it.

    I've tried easing myself into coming out with the 'gay-friendly' idea. I have been an out-spoken liberal to everyone that knows me for quite some time (probably at least 3 or 4 years). And I have made a lot of friends in HS and so far at college due to our similar socially liberal views. Despite this, I still can't bring myself to come out to even my most obviously liberal and accepting friends. Its not about the reaction I will get, it is about how I will be treated afterwards.

    As an example, a friend of mine was telling me a story about kids from her high school. While in the process of listing of names, she stopped after saying a boys name and said "oh, hes gay" despite the fact that it was totally irrelevant to the story. My biggest concern about coming out is this. I don't want to be anyone's gay friend, just their friend. Even if most of my friends are okay with it, I really don't want to be spoken about like that and I don't want this one sliver of my personality to overpower the rest.

    I have spent a lot of time considering if I want to join some sort of gay organization on campus to push myself out, but from I have seen its not really for me. Not that I against what they do, but I just don't see myself wearing rainbow jewelry/clothing and painting rainbows around the campus which it seems is mostly what the LAMBDA/GSA does here. I don't have a problem with gay pride - I guess I just don't really have any.

    I would love to be able to go back to school and act like I am completely out and that it's no big deal - but the biggest problem is after a semester of straight-acting, I don't feel like I can without it being somewhat of a big deal. I am so ingrained in acting like that, that I feel like I have to make a conscious effort to stop myself from denying my homosexuality.

    When I choose my friends, I don't evaluate their level of homophobia before I befriend them. I get along with my current group of friends really well, we have similar interests and many of the same hobbies - that is why we are friends. And while it's true that I don't think they will accept me as gay, that's still not reason enough for me to not want to be friends with them. I would really like for them to know who I really am, but I'm not really interested in "oh, hes gay" coming after my name when spoken of.

    On another issue, I'm very confident that my family knows I'm gay. I haven't told any of them, but I figure I've done enough innocently gay things over my 19 years that its probably not that hard to draw that conclusion. I feel like my mom is making deliberate efforts to push the conversation in that direction. For instance, suggesting our male waiter tonight had a crush on me or when she refers to one of my male friends as "oh, the cute one right?". I feel like my reactions to her prods very clearly indicate that I have no interest in discussing that topic, but that doesn't stop her from dropping hints every time I come home. I'm not ready to come out to my family yet and I wish there was a not-so-subtle way I could tell them to fuck off about it. Regardless of how supportive they may be, I am just not in a place yet where I feel like I want to come out to them.

    Sorry for the essays, and thanks to those kind enough to read and offer advice. I am nothing short of pissed that I am gay, even though I know its something I can't change. I have so much hate and rage about being gay and I feel like I stay perpetually mad because of it. I feel like I lash out at people/things that are totally unrelated and I hate that I end up hurting other people because of how much I actually hate myself. I want to let go of this anger and be happy, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to be anything but pissed off that I'm gay.
     
  7. stumble along

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    Regarding the people who you are concerned about treating you differently. I mean one way or another they will find out, if they dont accept you for that one silly fact that youre gay then I would find at least more tolerant friends. Keeping it away is already bothering you, might as well say it and tell them flat out that you aren't comfortable talking about it but you are still the same person you were a week ago.

    As for the automatic straight acting, I'd put it down that you still are dealing with the fact you're gay. I went through it myself and sometimes relapse on bad days, you get all mad and angry at everything because you didnt turn out normal and that the world is just there to watch you burn, but it gets better and eventually you'll feel more inclined to not hide it as time goes on

    I think that if your parents are already know about you then I would go ahead and tell them, as well as say that you don't particularly want to talk about it, that should probablyp get them off your back.

    Sorry for any typos I'm on my phone. And like i said I know what you mean about this area its pretty hard to deal with sometimes so msg is always there if you
     
  8. dl72

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    I agree, if they are truly your friends, than it should not matter whether you are gay or not. You are still the same person. If they can't handle the fact that you are gay, than they really are not good friends. They should accept you for who you are, no matter what. True friends stand by you no matter what, gay or not.
     
  9. BudderMC

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    All of the specific advice has already been given (I think, I skimmed and I hope I got everything), so I'll just throw in my two cents:

    1) You don't have to be "that gay friend". I didn't want to be, and so far I haven't really been (at least, nobody refers to me in that way when I'm around, and if it's out of sight, it's out of mind). I know I asked about that before here, and the general consensus I got was to treat it like it was no big deal. If you treat it like it's no big deal, people who don't know how to react will follow suit, and assume it's no big deal. Make a big thing out of it, and people will surely remember.

    2) This advice I didn't really get from EC, but has been one of those things I've learned over the last couple of years. I was always taught that the friends you make after high school are the ones you keep for most of your life. This isn't to say that you should ditch all your old friends, or that none of you will stay friends; it has to deal with the sheer population of people you meet after high school vs. during high school. Most people will have a choice of say, a couple thousand kids, tops, during high school to make "their friends". Of these people, the vast majority won't share your interests. So you make a few good friends who you share a lot in common with, and/or you "lower" your criteria and make more, less good friends (this is the way I see it at least).

    After high school, you go to university. There's easily tens to hundreds more people to "choose from" here than there were before. Not to mention the group at high school is far from representative of the world's population; you're going to find a better diversity at university just from the sheer number of people coming from all over everywhere. You're way more likely to find people who have even closer interests to yours. It's not that you weren't good friends with the people from high school, but it's quite likely you could make even BETTER friends afterwards. So, you make really good friends here.

    Then you leave, and go out into the world. The great selection of people you meet at university are to some extent representative of the population at large. Will you make even more friends? Sure. But it's not that you're exposed to a whole new group of people like when you went from high school to university, there's just more of the same group.

    Anyway, where was I going with this? It's not to say that your friends from high school aren't important. On the same note, other people who aren't your friends probably can't be that bothered to worry about your every move anymore, again, because there's so many more people. So don't stay closeted because you're worried about what they'll think; odds are they really don't care, nor do they pay attention to your life. They have better, cooler (relative to them) people to care about, just as you have your own new friends you'd rather think about.

    And if you meet someone who doesn't take it well? So be it. Like I said, there's tons of people after high school. If they're a good friend, they'll get over it. If they aren't, were they really your friend to begin with? There are better things to spend our time dwelling on instead of whether or not someone will accept us. It's not to say that friends can be dropped in a second as soon as we disagree; it's more to say that these "friends" that aren't really friends aren't worth worrying about.

    I really hope that second point made some sort of sense. I rambled a lot there. :x
     
  10. unknown12

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    Ok, you NEED to go to a LBGT meeting at your campus. I'm sure you have one, if not then go to a LBGT center at your town. You are in the EXACT same situation as me. I spent my freshmen year hanging out with semi conservative people. It went ok for awhile, until I began to feel the emptiness of lying to myself and others. So it was in my sophomore year to deal with this problem. And it took a LONG time(3 months) of coming out to myself. I even tried to make conservative friends at my new college. This worked out for awhile, until I began feeling the same feelings.
    My counselor said that I must go to a LBGT meeting and see the positives. The first time I went, my world changed. I saw that they were so happy with themselves. From then on I have made a Friend, and more Friends to come. It took me years to accept being gay and it took me years of misery being someone I wasn't. And when I get a good foundation with people like me and allies, i really don't think my conservative friends will matter to me that much.