So, as some of you may know, I told both my mom and my (ex)girlfriend that I am questioning my sexuality in the last few weeks. Prior to this disclosure, I was too preoccupied with the guilt about being dishonest and hiding these thoughts to actually allow myself to explore them. I pretty much stuffed it all away. Now, I think I'm really at step 1 of my questioning - obviously not really step 1, as the questioning in my head is really the first step - but I'm at the first step of thinking in a real way about who I am, what kind of life I want to lead, what's my type (apparently there are bears, cubs, otters - wtf is an otter?), etc. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, but it's a bit overwhelming. Essentially, I'm in the limbo phase - I've released the wrecking ball, but I haven't quite destroyed my old life. I've taken my first steps towards reinventing myself, but I'm practically nowhere in that regard. I look forward into the future and it is blank - because I don't know what to fill it with. I spent the last years trying to muster the courage to speak up but with little thought about what I'd do once I did. Would love to hear about the thoughts of others. Also, I'd love some practical thoughts on steps I can be taking now. I'm not ready to take the more overt steps - going to a gay bar, going on a date. Online dating seems weird to me, especially as many people are just interested in meeting up and sex. What I really need are a few friends who I can speak with in the flesh about all of this. How did you all pursue? I think this point is probably more applicable to those who took a little longer to figure themselves out. Thanks all.
I think the first step is to be open about it, to yourself and others. Allow yourself to think "Hey, that guy is cute." Feel free to talk about it to people you feel comfortable talking to such things about. I think it's the most important step, being comfortable with the fact that you're questioning your sexuality: allowing yourself the freedom to think and say whatever feels right.
Different "types," as far as I know are frequently defined and described based on physical attributes, cultural practices, sexuality, and/or beliefs. But, they seem to carry little meaning for me. I would not like to be personally typified on certain characteristics vs others. Possibly, because types and the process of typification carry the same connotation for me as classifications based on religion or sexual orientation or ethnicity or gender. I want to believe that as I can be seen beyond a type. Although it is possible, that I did not see a point in defining myself or others as "types" because I lived a very closeted life until now, and I would like to hear if there is some value to types. I am struck by the violent imagery of this...Does your old life have to change so drastically? Personally, I certainly think that I (or you) do not have to change my (or your) old ways and self dramatically, because that would be scary for me. That small changes would be tolerable and wise. Can you talk about what would re-inventing means to you? I, too, would like to hear other people's thoughts on this. I can only speak from limited experience. Besides EC, I have talked to a couple of other friends online about my recent experiences coming out and their support has meant a lot. I have felt reassured that I can be who I am without completely being alone. As far as meeting people in person, I am lost, too. I probably will come out to a friend who has gone through coming out and has established her identity and life with her partner. I am curious as what would it be like if you were to go to a gay bar to meet people.
My advice is to not try so hard; relax and take your time. You don't need to find your "type". when you see someone you will either feel attraction or you won't. You're not going to be attracted to him based on what sort of animal he personifies, you know? Also, don't try to reinvent anything about yourself. Although I completely understand that the perspective of your future may be different now, you are still the same person and your future will be just as blank or as full as it was before your self-realization. I agree with Meropspusillus that "being comfortable with the fact that you're questioning your sexuality: allowing yourself the freedom to think and say whatever feels right" is a very important next step. Everything thereafter will fall into place!
An "otter" is apparently the same thing as a bear, only leaner or more slender as opposed to being bigger or more muscular. Considered a subcategory of bear, really. To the OP, my advice is not to worry about where exactly you fit into the gay world--that will work itself out as you become a part of it. Just get out there and get involved, and the rest will sort itself out in time. I joined the lesbian choir where I live. If there are any structured activities for gay people in your area, that might be a good way to meet some people. In some places, there are sports teams, and other activity groups like that. I don't know what sort of thing you are interested in. You could also volunteer at a community center, or with a local political group. There may be other volunteer opportunities related to the gay community in your area as well. If you look into it, you should be able to find some structured way to be involved in the community on a regular basis, so that you will have a chance to really make some friends and get to know people. I don't think you should necessarily worry about dating right away. First, just see if you can make some friends.
