Am I Asexual or just have a low drive?

Hey I'm sorry for putting it this way but if she doesn't except you then she is not good enough for you . I used to think I was bi and if my partner didnt except me then down the drain with them I have since then discovered I'm gay and that's not a problem any more but if she don't except you then you are too good for her I kno it's hard to break up with someone you love well it is for me anyways but if she don't except you then you were not ment to be in the first place

 

Hey breakingboxes,

If you google asexuality, asexuality visbility and education network is a very good site to start with in your questioning. You might identify as a gray a (Sometimes you feel sexual, sometimes you don't) or you might just identify as a homoromantic female. It appears to me you don't enjoy the sexual part of your relationship and I get the feeling that you enjoy the romance of the kissing... not so much the physical aspect of it.

It sounds like you are a bit more sexual then some asexuals (Quite a few have reported hugging being as far as they like) but overall it does sound like you are a homo-romantic asexual or at least leaning towards that direction.

 

I think an important consideration is what aspect of the sexuality that you enjoy do you like? Is it possible that you enjoy the concept of the deep bond it shows between the two of you and that the kissing is just that, the deep bond? It sounds like your sexuality is more complicated then most... but there is resources available to asexuals living with sexuals and sex can go on the back burner for the more romantic side of things you enjoy.

It sounds like you already know what you are leaning towards and might just be afraid of the ramifications of identifying that you don't particularly like sex. Is it possible that just like a person who comes out as bisexual at first later identifies that really identify as gay you are realizing that sex doesn't really do it for you and you are an asexual? What I mean by that is sex is something that... once you stop considering it a necessary part of your life to be "socially acceptable" you realize you don't really need or want it at all?

 

I don't think you have been faking it as much as you just... haven't been able to put a name to it. I think you always felt that IF you had sex enough you would grow to like it... but just like an asexual friend of mine she's always known just not until about a year ago (from observing others) did she manage to put it all together. It's not horrible that you did. You just felt like you were doing what was required... unaware that it could be any other way.

 

Definitely. One thing that might come up is hormonal things (such as maybe you just need hormone therapy and you'll suddenly just like sex). Hormonal therapy for a lack of a sex drive is only applicable if the lack of desire for sex causes you distress. In this case, it appears the presence of sex itself is what is causing you distress. I'm willing to wager that even if you had more of a libido you still wouldn't want to pursue sex... you'd feel forced into a lifestyle you don't want with feelings that are alien to who you are.

It's not uncommon for sexuals to misunderstand asexuals at the beginning... it can be tough but good luck

 

I have read the conversation you and Debug have had here. I want to highlight an essay I read, literally 25 minutes ago, on asexuality by Eunjung Kim. I gather that people who consider themselves asexual often find that asexuality has become a phenomenon that needs to be "explained" and "justified" to others (in the same way as other things such as being gay, etc). There are many reasons. But, one of the most important is the fact that all around us we see such statements: sex is healthy, sex promotes good emotional health, blah blah. So what people wrongly assume is that asexuality is "unhealthy." Such pathologizing claims often then affect our everyday conversations about and expectations of our own sexuality and that of others. I agree that sexual desire and need for sex is very individual and there are no minimal amounts to be considered normal. I can feel how this might be a difficult situation for you...especially as you try to talk about it to your girlfriend, whose notions of sex are probably individual as well as influenced by the societally "norms." I would encourage you in talking with her about your sexuality as well as how much she clearly means to you.

 

That's a very good point, Emergelove. That also reminds me of a story of a husband and wife who later on in life simply stopped having sex. They enjoyed each other's company but the people around them told them they weren't having sex enough... eventually these perceptions distorted their reality and they went to a marriage counselor for the "problems" in their relationship. The counselor recognized that sex was far from an important part of their love and the emphasis of sex due to social pressure was the stressor for their "problems". This counselor identified this as perfectly healthy and went on to tell them to just keep doing what they were doing... the romance drove their love... nothing more, nothing less.

 

I was just randomly reading through some interesting threads and I just wanted to thank you for mentioning that word: gray-A. I have never heard that word before, except maybe briefly once on a YT video. I Googled it and that is exactly the word I was looking for to describe myself. I've looked through AVEN just a tiny bit before but never saw this.
Thank you soo much.