I need help. Story: when I was feeling pretty bad about my sexuality earlier this year my then new colleague at work was the only person who showed genuine interest. He helped me with every insecurity, he was there for me in every moment. Whenever I was worried I was taking advantage of his friendship far too much, he always explained he wanted to help. I got in love with him, brutally so, but he is straight; he was ok with me feeling that way about him, but made it kindly and firmly clear that nothing could ever happen. I was fine with it.. well, I accepted it. I was in a very bad shape, my sexuality was killing me, my mother was ill (potentially seriously at the time, she got better since), he was there for me. I came to depend on his support. My friends abandoned me saying they don't want to hear anything about my sexuality, that they will teach their kids that sexuality is "not preferable", but he stick by me. He was the best friend I ever had. A little more than a month ago I learned from my boss that my friend was leaving the company. It wasn't even him who told me. It was a part of a bigger scheme where he was asked not to say anything to anyone. Nevertheless, I was very hurt indeed. I'd opened myself completely to him, more than to anyone ever in my life. He was not even valuing our friendship enough to share something like that with me. This news hit me hard and completely off guard. I am fairly certain that nothing's ever hurt me that much. My life had been going in the right direction. I was making some progress with therapy, I began speaking to gay people, I even somehow ended up having sex with a guy. Incredible developments.. I just needed some stability, I was going to be all right. Now everything just shattered around me. No friends, no colleagues at work, family still not come out to. During the last month, since I knew he was leaving, I've been sinking lower and lower. Nothing makes a positive impact on me. I spoke to a guy I've had the hugest crush on for two years (the whole sexuality question started with him), it turned out that he was gay (n/a though) and willing to put in some time for me, to try to help me. That should have been huge, unbelievable, shocking in the most positive way. Hardly an impact. If anything, I sank even deeper. Today my friend showed up at work for the last time. When he left I wanted to die. I just stood by the window, watching him drive away, physically hurting, my chest exploding, temple pounding, I was paralyzed there and completely lost. I finally got back to our former office, now mine, I saw his now empty desk and I broke up. I just cracked.. I am.. in a horrible state. I am so incredibly hurt, lying in my bed at this moment is a torture. I am horrified, utterly mortified and I can't say what of. Waves of fear and sorrow and regret and love are washing over me and I am just bursting... I took plenty of medicine today to try to calm myself (non problematic dosages), but if it has helped and I still feel this way, I am scared of what it could have been like. I am going home for Christmas tomorrow. I wanted to speak to my parents, to come out. It's killing me that I am holding this away from them. But I wanted to be strong when I tell them.. I wanted to stand tall and announce it. Now I have no idea. I still want to come out, but now I am afraid of their reaction. I am afraid of how devastating it might be for me. And for them. I am in a horrible shape.. kind people of EC, please do what you do so well and share some kind words. I need hugs from people I know understand me. I am breaking up here and I had to stop a couple of times to wipe my eyes dry. Thanks for taking time to read this..
(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) It's only virtual hugs, but I hope they can help somewhat... Truth be told: it sucks when you find out some situations aren't forever. Not even the comfortable ones. It's not odd that you feel this way. This friend was there during the worst of times, and in doing so, he kind of became a good support to lean on, with the added benefit of being around at any time. And, I dare say, being allowed to be open about a crush, even if it isn't reciprocated, can't possibly do anything else than create a bond. But... I might be missing something here. I'm wondering: even if you won't be working together as colleagues on a daily basis, is there any reason you can't keep in contact anymore? It wouldn't be entirely the same, but it's better than nothing, no? Okay, he didn't tell you he was being made redundant at work. But from some experience with corporate politics, I know that him telling you might have brought you in trouble too, had people discovered you knew. Or, at the very least, have given him legal trouble if he broke an agreement with the management. If he was already insecure about where to go job-wise, I can't fault him for keeping his options secure. It's still a minor sting, perhaps, but don't decide it needs to imply the end of the friendship, even if you only see each other occasionally or even just online. In any case: (*hug*) Feel free to cry, let it out, punch a pillow. It royally sucks. But also remember that you're further along at being open and free than you ever were. You are doing a great job at moving forward here! Remember the good times you had, and use those to regain your confidence. You were planning all of this, and you still can! For whatever it's worth, all of us at EC will still be here to support you! (*hug*)
I am so sorry. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) I wish I could give you real hugs. I know it can be hard when someone we have come to rely on suddenly leaves, or changes. It may seem right now like nothing in the world is ever going to be good again, but you just have to latch onto that progress you have made in the last few years and let it's momentum push you forward. In the end, him leaving may be for the best. Now you can learn to rely on yourself, and learn how to push yourself forward even when it hurts the most. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Oh man... I'm sorry bud! I wish I could do something to help you. I've felt the feeling you described when you were standing at the window. It feels like shit and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm sitting here trying think of good things to say to you so you'd feel better but I really don't know what to say... If I'm near you, I'd totally drive over and give you one of those awesome hugs we always see when a goal is scored in the world cup. I wish I could do more to help! Cheer up! Drop me a message if you want!
came out to my parents.. went bad.. bad.. I knew it would, but that much sorrow and disappointment in them.. I crushed them.. it's horrible...... I am alone.. I really hate life.
(&&&) The fact your parents didn't take it well is not your fault. Give them time to adjust. You've had years to adjust to this they've had one day. You did not crush them. They just need time to get used to the fact that you're not who they thought you were. As for your other situation? Look at Filip's post. He said it much better than I ever could.
You're not alone. You have all of us here, even if it's just online. We love you, are rooting for you and support who you are... And who you are is awesome. It really sucks your parents took it badly, but that isn't your fault. You didn't crush them; they got crushed by their own expectations of what you should or shouldn't be, and by the fact they think being gay is something to be crushed over. It is their problem. You simply informed them that their expectations and their mistaken impression of you are wrong. That's not a bad thing; they are the ones making it a bad thing. Hang in there.
I'm sorry.. I realize my above message looks like a school example of attention seeking cry. I did read all messages, including Filip's, and I am grateful for them. And thank you for your support.. it's only that.. I've just lost the life anchor I could count on for everything in my life till now. I am crushed. They are.. and I.. cannot say anything more without sounding pathetic and even more attention seeking. I feel horrible.. Thanks, people.
Hi people. I am very sorry for not answering in time after all you said. It meant a lot to me, it means a lot to me. Thank you for all the hugs and kind words, for reading and for being friendly and suportive. I read all messages within hours or minutes of when they were posted, but I didn't have strength to answer. But they helped and you were a ray of light, of hope, in moments when I needed it the most. (*hug*)
I didn't want to go into details because I guess it isn't important. But just to clarify why I was that much hurt, he wasn't made redundant. He was offered another job, a better job in all probability. There was no possibility of trouble for me if he told me and he could have said something without any problems himself had he chosen to. All he had to do was tell the people who asked him to keep it a secret that he wanted to tell me. That's all. I know all the people involved and it wouldn't have been a problem. The decision to not share this with me was his. He didn't make it out of spite, he didn't hurt me on purpose, he was just unaware that it might have such an impact on me. He once told me that if I left the company I should start looking for a double opening somewhere, so we can go together. Of course it was a silly remark if taken literally, but I took it to mean deeper friendship. And then he leaves. Doesn't even tell me, I have to learn about it from our boss. So yeah..... I can't really explain it well.. he asked me to try several times, but I failed each one. He still can't figure out why it bothers me that much. So I'm not even sure what to think about it. But whether I'm right or wrong.. I know one thing: it hurts royally. I'm deeper in depression now than I have ever been. And that is a statement I keep repeating the last couple of months. Whenever I hit rock bottom it gives and I hit a still harder one far below. Damn.. it's hard to write some things down without making yourself sound bitter, huh? But I'll assume the bitterness is there for a reason and not try to repaint the emotionality of the post.
No One's is more or less the answer to Filip's question.. The day he left the company, the day I wrote the opening post of this thread, I felt incredibly bad. I was beyond depression, beyond that horrible anxiety I chronically suffer from. As I said above, I was behind the window looking over the parking lot and I was watching him drive away and it was killing me, I was.. completely heart broken. When he vanished from my sight, after a couple moments I turned back, went to our former office and first saw the emptiness. His empty desk, cold screen and computer turned off, empty chair.. it sucked all life from my heart. I fell apart, invisibly. For someone looking from aside, I would just seem expressionless. Although noone was watching. But my mind was in a state of emotional breakdown. I was profoundly crushed. I signed off from Skype, Facebook, Google, I turned off my phones. I did it because of him. Because I couldn't bear the feelings of despair and hope that he might call. I knew he probably wouldn't, but I would be waiting for it and it would be more than I could take. I had to tune out. I kept myself off for two days. Luckily, it was a weekend so I stayed in bed most of the time. When my loneliness overgrew my fears I turned my phone back on and I saw he tried calling several times. In the end, when I got some courage, I called him. We ended up talking for two hours. I was as horrible as two days before and I cried a lot. I tried to explain how I felt, but I don't know if I managed. I told him again, in more details, how much I love him, how hard I find it to think about him, to be close to him. I told him how hurt I was about him leaving and not telling me about it himself, although he is not capable of seeing the distinction between "you learned about it" and "I told you". I even told him the thing I shouldn't have. I said I was suicidal because of him. I said that an episode or two like the one I had two days before were probably as many as I could take. I know it was very wrong and unfair.. and I am not proud to say that I was in such a state that I forgot to think about him as much as I should have. It was the truth, though. This was the third or fourth time I felt horrible because of him (not implying it was in any way his fault) and each time was by orders of magnitude worse than the prior. I am afraid of the next one. And I am truly worried about the one after that. So to finally come to Filip's question... I told my friend that I couldn't take him anymore. That I needed to not be close to him. That it was incredibly hard for me to say it, but that the alternative was so grim... He asked if I was breaking up with him and I was just.. silent for a while. It took some time to unknot my vocal cords enough to say "Yes". After that telephone call I kept crying for a long time. And a couple of days later I was still in that same state, talking to my parents, coming out, trying to act firm and strong, listening to them telling me it's not normal, telling me they don't want to know even if I were happy, asking that I give it all up and just turn to celibacy, asking me to go out and just f*ck a woman. And then I was trying to act normal in front of other people. It was Christmas after all. But I don't want to turn this into coming out story.. I have many questions now and I will post a thread in the appropriate subforum. I am just not ready yet. I am missing him so bad.
