dealing with me, and other gays.

It's a thing of time, simply put. I've heard that a lot and so have you. Right now you are still stuck in a period between denial and acceptance. Right now you are in disbelief that you could love a man just like a person who is 25 and has never dated is in disbelief that they could love anyone. Only with experience will the reality become more clear... I think you just need some blind faith at the moment... if it turns out that you can't love anyone deal with it then... until then operate under the assumption that experience will guide you to what you want. (I believe I read a thread where you mentioned ocd... I could be wrong who knows... I've lurked awhile... just one ocd sufferer's thoughts to another)

 

I'm in the life-is-worthless kinda mood, so I shouldn't be advising...but, I like trying to sound wise so here are my 2 cents:

Truth is, this shit is hard... I'm sure everyone has their own way of dealing with it, but, since these are my pennies, I'll give you my way! I learned patience! Like Debug said, I let time do its job and started exploiting apathy... might not be a good thing, but, at least, I'm not permanently depressed like before.

Remember that sexuality is just a small part of your life. It's not as significant as people make it out to be...if today you find loving a dude repulsive, so be it. Not a single thing in this world can force you to love and want something that you just can't love or want (atm); and that include you.

What I'm saying is, live your life then love and want when it happens! Don't worry about your gayness, it's just a label. The only thing to worry about for being gay should ultimately and only be, '5-15% of the world's population isn't a lot, hope I'm not gonna die alone'.

CHeers bro!!!

 

Something I find that has helped organized my ocd thoughts from reality is trying to separate thoughts and feelings from your behavior. At some instinctual level you know what's really true and what's not... it may be hard to defer reality from fiction but ask yourself the question of what you want and go from there. Right now it seems you are leaning towards I know I am gay but I am uncertain that I can ever love a man... this uncertainty is making you doubt everything else and it's pushing you back into the closet.

You need to accept that uncertainty at some point in time... that statement could be the wrong decision but you'll never make a decision if you continue to go in circles. Live life the way you want to today... do some soul searching and find what you really want and go from there. Anything else that crops up in the future you'll figure out then.

Shame and guilt are powerful tools ocd has at it's disposal to make your life hell... you also need to accept that uncertainty too. You could be a terrible person and you could be leaving a wake of suffering in your path but today you're doing what you feel is the right thing... I'm not sure how helpful this is, hopefully something makes some sense!

 

I can't stand the endless thinking either. Repeating the same circle of questions hundreds of times looking just in case you find a different outcome is a both a tedious and tormented process. The only thing you can do is try and trust the answers and see where it takes you.

I think something you seem stuck on is the notion that there is a correct answer. Let's assume the correct answer is I am gay and I can fall in love with men... you meet a man who seems interesting to you but he ends up hurting you... or something else bad happens because of this decision. The ramifications of this event could potentially be bad but are unrelated to the fact that it turns out you were right in the end.

 

Hello! I've just joined and was reading your post. I've been going to therapy since this summer and while I don't describe myself as having OCD (friends and family do!) I certainly can relate to the endless questioning and self-doubt.

I am 42 and married and have only awakened to my feelings the past couple of years. Right now it is the uncertainty that most troubles me. I want to come out to myself once and for all and be done with it but what happens is that I keep vacillating between acceptance and denial. My biggest hangup is being wrong about being gay and waking up one day to learn that I'm really straight and will have to have sex with men for the rest of my life. Being straight is my worst nightmare!

I just want to be at peace with this but am finding that it is going to take more time than I imagined. I think that I am very impatient and should probably give myself a break. My hunch is that I am on the right track but that I need to give myself more time, especially given my circumstances and how it is going to affect others in my life. I want to be gay NOW but know that I can't rush into it. I am so impatient and frustrated but maybe I should take the time to enjoy this wonderful journey in discovering who I am and what I really want in life!

 

Frustrated,

This may come across as very weird but it appears if you are suffering from ocd you may actually be suffering from a very common theme called sexual orientation fears. This is common amongst some gay ocd sufferers who in the process of coming out fear that they may be making the wrong decision and as a result of that you end up in a cycle of endless questioning and self-doubt. I suffer from the opposite of these fears (as in I am a straight male fearing I will have to live a gay lifestyle).

For every cry of yours saying "Does this mean I have to be straight?" is an even bigger cry of "Does this mean I can't be gay anymore?". I'm not sure the degree to which you are suffering but ocdla has an excellent four part article on these fears which may help you in coming out. A quick search of ocdla hocd will yield you the results you are looking for.

 

Wow! I just looked up an article about HOCD and have contemplated the possibility of something similar before. I found the article here: Sexual Orientation OCD: HOCD Sub-Types and Their Treatment | OCD Center of Los Angeles. The subtypes that best describe me would be Spectrum HOCD and Really Need to Know HOCD. In a way, the article confuses me even more, though, because I get the impression that someone suffering from HOCD is probably not gay, when I'm pretty certain that I am. I could bore you with the details, but what I am trying to do is convince you/build a case for me being gay. I'm afraid of not being believed / accepted because I've always been with men.

Here's the deal, I have no experience with another woman to confirm my gay sexuality except to say that my same sex attractions are very real and genuine; they feel totally right and I don't want them to go away. It's almost life affirming to feel attracted to a woman. While I've only had relationships with men, the sexual part was the weak link as I pretty much avoid it like the plague because it's totally not what I want.

Okay, I'll stop now because you know...I could keep going forever!

 

Well, frustrated, the case for you is that you are in fact gay but also have an anxiety disorder ocd. Basically, you are be gay but suffer from the same fears as someone who is straight who fears they are gay. The first part of the article highlights that this can also plague people who are gay which appears like it might be your case.

The case for heterosexuality you are creating is because of the uncertainty your are experiencing... you feel like you MUST be straight and so you create a case for it. That'll hopefully shed some light on your situation, so this uncertainty is the result of an anxiety disorder... you're gay and you can continue to enjoy your happy attractions . You just have an imp in your head making it harder to accept things!

 

That is the nicest thing someone has said to me all week! I wish I could give you a big hug right now, Debug! You are such a doll...thank you so much for listening to me tonight; it has been such a big help to me. If I don't talk to you in the next couple of days, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

 

A very Merry Christmas to you too! Good luck in your questioning!

 

Friendly Ghost: I don't have OCD, but I do have a hard time organizing my thoughts. You may want to try journalling...just right down every thought you have. You will be surprised at how your thoughts will tend to organize themselves. And when you go back over them, you will start to see patterns and repetitions.

And relax. You didn't get to where you are in a couple of weeks or months. And you won't get to the next phase of you in a couple of weeks or months. Take time to get comfortable with YOU and then you can get comfortable with others. (And being bi is NOT a bad thing.)

Have a Happy Holiday!!!

Tracker

 

Hey Friendly Ghost! From reading your posts, it sounds like we've got different personalities, but similar situations. I dont have ocd or anything like it (though Im a psych major, I know a bit about it), I'm the androgynous type, and I am lucky enough to have a very clear type as far as guys that I'd date.

That said, I'm in a fairly-long term relationship with a girl, which is currently a mess (in part? probably?) because of my sexuality. I definitely have problems thinking clearly about who I'm actually attracted to now because at any given time, Im either biased towards liking girls (so I dont ruin this relationship), biased towards liking guys (so Im not crazy/so I wasnt just causing drama when I told the 3-4 people PLUS my school's Alliance when I told them) or some combination. Right now my libido's pretty much shot since thinking about any kind of relationship is just exhausting. And then there's the time-pressure of being in a relationship and wanting to either fix it or end it asap so Im not just dragging out a messy situation. So as far as the "endless questioning" goes, yeah I definitely relate.

I don't recall if there was any advice in there - sorry if Im just giving you more junk to have to read, heh, its late here - maybe this is more on the "support" side. I can relate, I know it sucks, and Ill be sure to let you know if I discover the magical secret to figuring out orientation, relationships and the meaning of life

 

Hi, Friendly Ghost! You are not a nuisance, at least not to me - I feel like your post and the conversation that followed with others has really been quite helpful. About my "awakening" later in life: I knew that I was attracted to girls in the past but buried it because I felt really guilty and dirty for it. It's more recently in the past couple of years that I've accepted my attraction to women and finally told myself, "I'm gay." Still, I sometimes try to talk myself out of it, but as my therapist has noted, I am doing that less and am becoming more accepting of myself as time goes on. The whole "acceptance" and "tolerance" for oneself is a new concept for me; I've put myself down my whole life!

 

Friendly: It's not so much WHERE you write your thoughts down...just the act of writing them down clarifies them and makes them real. Because you can't write faster than you can think, writing forces you to slow down your thought processes. And, they crystalize your thoughts as you put them down. The process of slowing down and crystalizing your thoughts are what are important. You don't have to put it in a little book. Writing them down here works just as well. Just think...you are probably clearer about where you are now than when you first joined this site, right?

I used to teach writing. One problem with "writer's block" is that writers want to get everything down perfect the first time. You don't need to and even great writers don't do anything perfectly their first go. What you have to do is write in a stream of consciousness style. Don't worry about periods, spelling or even making sense. Really! NO ONE BUT YOU WILL SEE THIS! (And I'm a little bit of a perfectionist on some things which has gotten me into trouble.) Once I realize that I don't have to be perfect and I give myself permission to do sloppy work, things actually start flowing. You can always clean up later.

Have a happy holiday!!! Write on my wall sometime. I'd love to chat with you!

Tracker