I know that I'm probably not transgendered yet recently I feel myself plagued by obsessive doubts of the sort... now when I am not obsessing over the question of "Am I gay?" I become obsessed with the question of "Am I actually a Lesbian in a male's body?" All my life I've been happy with my body... well happy except for my weight... I've never been happy with that but that's another thing unrelated to gender. I've always been okay being a guy... was happy being a guy and never really thought of anything else. I played female characters in online games a few times... but just because I liked how they looked and whenever someone thought I was a girl I'd find it awkward... my mind now tells me that I was deceiving them on purpose and I wanted to be a girl... but I don't really believe that considering being thought of as a girl caused me anxiety... which I'd imagine would indicate a lack of desire to be such? In terms of fantasies I've always imagined myself as being the one penetrating... which makes me believe even less then I am actually a woman considering then I'd have to use toys for penetration. However, I still feel terrifying doubt... the only reasons I have for wanting to be a girl are the reasons above... which aren't really reasons just doubts of reasons for not wanting to be a girl. I tried on women's clothes to check and I didn't get anything out of it... except more horrible uncertainty and a rather neutral feeling towards the sensation. Of course, that neutrality is now bothering me and I feel myself following the same thought patterns I followed before with my prior fears. I guess my question is... does this sound like I'm actually transgendered or is my ocd just playing with my mind again? I guess the hardest part is these thoughts are coupled with anxiety... but not as much so as I'm used to from my ocd... which makes me doubt that it's ocd. Sorry if I offended anyone.
It doesnt sound like u are transgendered at all. You need to stop obsessing over things like this. I dont think that you being on this site is a good thing since it only feeds your paranoia.
Thank you for your honesty. I should continue treating my ocd and stop looking for answers. This search for answers is the problem, I know. Thanks again.
Well, I'm no expert, but from your previous threads, it seems that you could basically rephrase it as "all the evidence points to no, and I really don't want to be TG, but what if I really secretly am one after all?" Or, alternatively: jumping to the conclusion that you must be TG and instinctively avoiding the idea that it could be the OCD. Which has, apparently, in the past, been an indication it was really the OCD. So it's my guess it's the same in this case. This coming from a guy who's no expert, though, so you might want to check with a trained councilor. And for the record: I don't think this means you should leave. If you feel that by reading these stories, you're seeing the difference between them and your own situation, it might even be helpful. Though do always be mindful that if an idea is sudden and unwanted and you really want to believe it and not even take into account it could be the OCD (while you have been diagnosed as such), it seems likely to be a sign that it's really a compulsion. But again, I'm not an expert on this and if you fear it might be the OCD, talk to your normal psychiatrist!
Debug - I had the same thing happen to me a week ago (embarassed to admit it). I started reading a post from a TG person, and I said to myself, what if that's what I am! My mind starting spinning a million miles an hour. It's scary how real obsessions can feel. I don't think you should avoid EC - as it is a great, supportive community and it would suck for you to need to cut this out of your life because the potential for obsessional thinking. One thing worth thinking about. Far be it from me to tell you that you are gay, as many of your previous posts suggest otherwise. However, speaking from my own experience, I've spent a long time denying thoughts and feelings I have had - or interpreting and reinterpreting their meanings. By not looking at these things dead on, I left my core soft and malleable, suggestible to all kinds of ideas. By telling myself real feelings were not real, what's to say that I didn't foster a condition where the inverse could likely be true - i.e. I'd think or feel things that weren't real and believe them? Speaking only from my personal experience and where I am in my process - I believe I am likely a gay or bisexual man who really did a number on himself through denial. I hope, once I begin to take the restricters off of my mind, the obsessions will become weaker, my core will become stronger, and I will develop a stronger identity. It's possible I am OCD, the gay thing was an obsession, and I've completely upended my life for no real reason. My gut, and what I am choosing to pursue, is that the other stuff is noise, resulting from years of not listening to my true self. Anyway, sorry if any of this is off point - I just know how scary OCD can be, and I wanted to let you know you are not alone. My thinking is that I am more susceptible to these obsessional thoughts e
My therapist told me I should not avoid anything triggering as it'll just make my fears worse in the end... it's just amazing how real it can feel sometimes and I greatly relate to what you are saying stilllovelyafte. Plus this community is interesting and none the less I do find posts that are relative to certain parts of my life and some that are generally uplifting. I'm going to obsess over everything anyways... I can't really avoid it at the moment so I might as well try to be productive sometimes while I do it. I find myself in an opposite position of that, personally, but I can relate. I find myself scrutinizing feelings and past experiences to try and find genuine feelings towards the same sex and sometimes I find feelings that feel loosely applicable but I don't really know where they fit. It's hard for sure...and I can understand why you would be genuinely confused if you are in denial and have ocd. I've talked to a few therapists about this and they say the focus in the end should always be treating the ocd not the theme itself. If I may inquire, when did you first notice you had attractions outside of your perceived orientation? This is more so out of curiosity then anything else but personally I only noticed men after the anxiety coupled response first appeared... about 12 months ago now so at the age of 21. One thing I truly relate to is the feeling of having a weak core. All my life I've been plagued by social anxiety and doubts about my worth as a person... I've been manipulated a lot and always find myself compromising my identity for others. This is definitely a root of this theme... I've sold myself short far too many times in life and I continue to do so... I need the strength to make my own decisions without fears of how someone will react. I hope as I strip away these obsessions I too will find myself with a stronger identity... I think I see glimpses of that person at times and I find myself actively striving to be who that person is. I too accept the possibility that I was actually in denial and like you accepting that I'll learn what to do then. My gut tells me that I need to treat it as ocd and see where it takes me... that this is all an extension of an inability to say no.
In your post you provided nothing to indicate that you are trans. Based upon what you've describe, I was say that it is almost certainly just your OCD. I mean I really can't pull out one sentence in there that would be evidence for being trans.
JonSnow - I agree with you. Nothing suggests that. The scary thing though, is to someone like Debug (and not to speak for you), although he knows at a gut level it's not real, the thoughts seem real. And the harder you try not to acknowledge the thoughts, the bigger and more real they become. Debug, like you, the thought and anxiety appeared before actual feeling of attraction. I think I was 16 or 17. The idea crossed my mind, what if I am gay? I spent years obsessing about this afterwards before I felt anything. The reason I believe it is real rather than like some of the other obsessions I have felt is that years later - not at first - I started to have feelings. In my early 20s I felt strong feelings of same sex attraction. I really disliked these feelings, and I stuffed them away. I never explored them in any depth, and I didn't fantasize, experiment, etc. Curiously, one day I woke up and the feelings were gone. I found myself obsessed with something different, which I prefer not to go into, and I was for the first time in years not preoccupied with being gay. This strange experience led me to believe for many years that I was not gay, but in reality OCD or otherwise. Looking back, I think I displaced my natural feelings, or I turned them off with lots of the other emotions I shut off in those years. I think the first step for me in solving all of this is opening myself up to the possibility that I am gay. Once I change the frame from "what if" to "I might be, so what?" I can explore it in a healthier mindset. My take away: I was living a very controlled by the book life where I was not happy. Either I was gay and deeply in denial or I was severely OCD and scaring myself with everything under the sun. I decided: I need to confront both prongs of this to get myself on track to live a happy life. I am starting to open myself up to the idea of being gay (and, if I end up finding out otherwise, hopefully there will be a nice girl who will accept this phase) and I am starting to get treatment for OCD. This is my unique and strange experience, so obviously lots of it is probably inapplicable. Nonetheless, I hope it helps.
Thanks for sharing your story, it's an interesting read and good to know! One point I'd like to make you to you is that I know a story of a man who actually physically tried to be with men due to the doubt and "attraction" he experienced but could not be aroused. He continuously tried but in the end he still was left with the uncertainty he hated so. I'm not saying that is your case, but what I am saying is that you need treatment for your ocd. Every gay person with gay fears that later realized they were gay managed to accept it through therapy so it sounds like you are on the right route for sure. One thing for sure is either way... if someone won't accept you because of something you did while influenced by an anxiety disorder it is their lost. I'm glad to have got to read your story... it's always nice to talk to others with ocd and hear their story. Best of luck in treatment.
I'm Going Through Something Similar I am going through something similar myself, I really hate it, it sucks!
Re: I'm Going Through Something Similar Well, what feelings do you have about maybe being trans* SWAGboy?
Re: I'm Going Through Something Similar Check out my threads http://emptyclosets.com/forum/search.php?searchid=2577920
