told my mom, long story

I was sitting in the living room with my mom this Wednesday and she was watching "the view" and they were talking about their friend I wasn't paying complete attention to be honest but he was an older guy who was gay and getting married to his partner of something like 30 years and the driver who was driving him to the court house was a religious man and he was criticizing him that he shouldn't do this and that he's making god cry stuff like that. And my mom asked me what I thought of that and I said something along the lines of I'm used to hearing debates about gay marriage when i was in high school (I went to a catholic school) and that I don't see what there is to debate over these are adults and they should be able to be with each other if they want to and get married just like everyone else. And that I had gay friends who are married.

My mom said something that gave me a little hope, that she thinks its not up to us to judge and the only one that is allowed to judge is god


But than she said but I'm glad that none of my kids are gay and I couldn't help it. I looked hurt she was like Why do you have something to tell me. And I just didn't say anything and she asked again and again and I said some nervous half sentence I really didn't want to talk about this right before Christmas and she started getting upset at that point said you can't be doing this to me and why would I say this she started bombarding me with all these questions so are you gay are you bi are you straight what are you trying to tell me
Do you just don't find you can attract men? didn't answer that (It made me really mad) But when she asked me if I think I can attract women I said no I don't feel well very good about myself lately and she looked and me very weird

I spit out that I'm not attracted to men when she asked me that question again because I didn't answer it the first time.and she asked me when this happened and I said ever since I could remember and she was like what about this boy ill call him S, my mom was always talking about my friends and wanting me to be more like them

she liked S's family they were well off and he was well behaved and I was five when I heard her talking with other parents joking about what boys my friends had crushes on and I knew she liked S so I said that because I wanted her to be happy with me and I told her that was why I did that and I couldn't see any reaction on her face that was the only time I ever told her I liked a boy until high school.

In high school I didn't have dates i told my friends not that I was gay but that I thought that the idea of being with a guy was gross to me and they teased me about that. But that was no excuse to just go out with the first boy who asked me and we were together for 3 years and my mom hated him

shes like why would you do that if you were gay, were you attracted to him?
no
Did you ever have sex with him?
I was like Why did you think we were always fighting?
she asked So are you telling me your a virgin?
no we had sex eventually but it was weird And she dismissed that with well he's weird.

And she asked me weird questions like ru telling me that that would turn you on to go down on a girl or to play with a woman's boobs because personally i think that's disgusting ,to that i just said those are not the type or question to ask your daughter.

Then she was like and all those nights I let you sleep over at your friends houses! and I'm like NO (really just because I like girls that means I should have not been allowed to go to sleep overs when I was younger?) started naming off my friends and asking me if they were gay I have a lot of friends that are gay and bi but I never slept with them and I didn't think that now would be a good time to tell her which one of my friends those are.) (I get that she's upset but really?) She said she thinks it would be better if i would have stayed with him then for me to be gay.

I just looked at her and repeated that back to her and shes like well he was kind of an asshole (is that a good sign? i donno)

Shes like you don't understand that this effects me and I was like no I really don't see how it effects you and she went on to say that she'd have to tell her friends and grandma and I just said im not in a relationship i'm not even dating and i really didn't want her to tell my dad at least not right away and shes like of course im going to discuss this with your father.

She says it effects her because it effects decisions shes going to make for me (what ever that means im 21 years old) I asked her what she meant by that she didnt give me an answer i asked if she means like living here (my parents are letting me live at home for free well i finish school) She just repeated that again.

I got a hold of one of my friends and ran and caught the bus so i could eat lunch at the mall with her before she had to go to work because I needed someone to talk to she calmed me down told me i have no reason to feel bad but i still kinda do and I was like I don't think shes going to take me seriously until i have a girlfriend anyway shes like ok I've got to find you someone looks to her left then to her right:icon_sad: no one here :lol:even though it as silly it cheered me up she said I could talk to her mom if I wanted to get advice because she knows how a parent thinks and her moms more easy to talk to then most parents it was very nice of her

My mom must have been worried she sent me a text where ru ???why didn't you say bye? I didn't want to make things worse so i said Christmas shopping I talked to a few of my other friends

I talked with my other friend later when I as dropping off her Christmas present and she was a little more critical and even though I'm mad calling by mom a hypocrite or a bigot or a bitch doesn't make me feel any better even though im really not used to her saying things like that its REALLY out of character.

I'm just worried about whats going to happen because she hasn't brought it up again since and she's trying to be nice to me extra I can tell and I don't know whats going to happen next if shes going to snap on me or something or is she just trying to adjust

 

thanks I know it doesn't help that I'm her only daughter and I'm younger than my brothers by over ten years so she had a lot of time to think of what having a daughter would be like. I don't think my mom would go to something like that but I think she was just having a hard time with this after having an idea of who I was since she had me 21 years ago and maybe even before that. My friend told me I shouldn't feel guilty about being who I am but it just felt like I was disappointing her again and that hurt. I know her though and I'm pretty sure things will turn out all right to. thanks again I just need to stop over thinking everything