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black gay guys, what's been your experience with being black and gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by insidehappy, Dec 24, 2011.

  1. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    i am black. i am curious to hear from other black guys in the US or anyone that has experiences with black guys. how have things been for you in terms of getting acceptance within the black culture which has a heavy Christian church base/foundation. How has it been to find other black men that you can relate to. in terms of places to go to meet other black gay guys that are and not extreme, where have you met them? what has worked or didn't work. do you feel a sense of isolation in the gay world because you are a double minority? i guess it depends where you live. whatever your thoughts and experiences are, pelase share. it may help me. Thanks.
     
  2. Toneth

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    well I'm white, but I've dated several black guys, and what they told me is that its harder with their families, and that yeah, a lot of the gay community treats them differently. I always met my ex's through friends mostly, except one via a hookup website, but i think that was more chance than anything, anyway, I just figured you deserved for someone to respond, sorry i couldn't be more help :frowning2:
     
  3. Bolin

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    Well, I posted a reply in the anonymous thread, but I'll just link it here in case that thread doesn't get anywhere. :slight_smile:
     
  4. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    thanks for sharing toneth. i appreciate your perspective. thanks for sharing allegro moito. wow, so out of all the people on here, two people respond ( i am thankful for the two that did) but it actually illustrated my isolation and feeling like a double minority. guess there are no black guys on here that are gay or cared to respond.
     
  5. Uniboth

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    I'm asian... I don't know who's worse in terms of acceptance. People don't even talk about the topic here. I'm having a lot of troubles meeting gay people but that's mostly because I don't want to be outed. Someday! Someday I will get to feel satisfied...dont care how long that takes. Heh I'm probably not very helpful...but hope things go better for you bud!
     
  6. DarkClarity

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    I'm black myself and I identity as bisexual. It is a lot harder for people who come from a black, asian or hispanic background. There is a lot of misinformation and irrational hatred towards the LGBT community. It's also, as some of the posters above have said it's a lot more visable and sometimes it's encouraged. It's hard knowing that everybody I know will reject me including my family for something which really shouldn't be a big deal. I'm not out yet, so I haven't met anyone LGBT and because I'm quite shy and introverted, its going to stay that way for a while.

    Sorry I couldn't of been more help.
     
  7. silkfrog1292

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    I can sympathise with you so much (i'm Asian too and lives in East Asia) people just seem to turn a deaf ear if you want to breach the subject. They seem to believe if the refuse to acknowledge it exists then it'll just go away. Either that or they somehow turn homosexual subjects into some obscene joke. It's hard, especially with the heavy weight of forming a family and living up to the expectations of elders.

    As for being black and gay....i do believe the situation is difficult, as from what (little) i know of the black community, they do not seem to be very accepting of gay men. I've once read that the black community is a very masculine society (correct me if i'm wrong). Although i do hope that you don't feel so alone and can find people that are more like you. Sorry my post wasn't exactly what you may be expecting :icon_sad:
     
  8. needshelp

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    first off, this is a good thread.

    second off, it's extremely difficult because for one, you are pretty much an outcast. you are already an outcast in american society because you're black and on top of that, other black people outcast you. so you pretty much feel alone and ashamed with yourself like if you're doing something wrong. another thing too, which is messed up, the stereotypes surrounding gay black men are a lot worse. you have the downlow guy orthe extra feminine black guy that tries way too hard to prove his gayness to the point where everything about him revolves around being gay from his attitude to his clothes. the black community for some reason equates being gay with stereotypes and they are way off. honestly, i have a problem for with guys that actually follow those stereotypes. they make it hard for guys like me that pretty much are trying to break the mold that pretty much holds them back.
     
    #8 needshelp, Dec 30, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
  9. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    thanks guys. OP here. uniboth and silkfroglet, i appreciate yoiur input, i never really thought about what the asian guys go through. i do know the culture pushes getting married and tradition so im sure you have a hard time of it as well.

    thanks needshelp and darkclarity. needshelp...i can really relate to what you said about the negative sterotypes becuase it does make it harder cuz everyone associates you with that and that's not even what your'e trying to do or be. also, when you're not out its hard to meet people but honestly even when i have gone to gay stuff (clubs/bars) i meet people but not really anyone that seems to be just a regular black guy i can relate to and see everywhere else i go. it usually some extremes. i think the peoiple i could relate to are probably closeted and do not go to gay labeled events. so its frustrating cuz it takes a lot of courage to go to these events and when you get there, its basically like you have outted yourself among all these types of people that live breathe and sleep gayness and you're thinking "oh great, now everyone else knows and what was the point of me even going because i didn't even meet anyone" and i just have not found any blck gay (non club related) events or activities because it seems like black guys do not want to be out and the ones that are out and go to these things seem like the fit in more with white culture which is not anythign wrong with that but i just have a hard time relating and would like to date someone that i'm attraacted to in my own race. idk just weird i guess.
     
  10. sanguine

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    that's gotta suck i know, but its this kind of mentality that causes discrimination in the LGTB community also you know? i think it's brave to be yourself, even if it is very stereotypical, flamboyant or not, and i admire that even though i use to think if it as you did, as an obstacle that prevented my family from thinking being gay was anything but unnatural, a joke, and down right inferior.
     
  11. CrazyAntFarm

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    Hey, I just saw this thread, and I figured I should chime in here. I can pretty much agree with all of the above posters. Not to minimize the struggle of the LGBT community as a whole, but being black and gay makes you feel like even more of an outcast.

    I agree that most of the hate from the black community stems from the teachings in the church. Oddly enough, the ones who are the most homophobic seem to be the ones who commit the most sins, but we are the ones damned, huh?

    But yeah, it hasn't been easy. It's very difficult to find support from our community. I also don't fit any of the sterotypes although I don't have any issues with the more "typical" gays. My only problem is that I don't have any thing in common with many of them except the fact that we both like dudes. I'm pretty masculine myself, and I just click and get along well with heterosexual men, I guess.

    You won't find too many black guys in the gay scene though, and if you do, they tend to be that more stereotypical type. I met the dude I'm seeing now over the internet, so you may be able to connect with some that way. You're not alone though. You'll get plenty of support here on this website; I just wished I had seen this post sooner.
     
  12. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    yea, you're right, i haven't found that many black gay guys in the scene and when i have its the homo thug or the homo queen. strangley i never seem to meet the suspect great dresser/educated/attractive/masculine black gay that women wonder...hmmmm he dresses too nice to be straight.. not sure where this ellusive creature lives. lol. anyway, online maybe the only option left. frankly im gettig over it adn just thinking that deciding to explore this was a big mistake.
     
  13. davewest

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    Hey,

    I'm a black guy and it has definitely been difficult. I was adopted and my parents are white so I've always felt out of place and then being gay on top of it makes it worse some times. I'm usually more attracted to white guys because those are the people I mainly hang out with, but its extra difficult finding white guys who don't categorize you by the usually sex-affiliated stereotypes. I don't want to jinx anything, but I've been seeing this really amazing guy and our race different (he's white) hasn't come up and it feels amazing. Good luck bro!
     
  14. TruffleDude

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    Great thread. We watched a dope film in my GLBT Culture and Society Class that was on the topic of being black and being same-gender loving, and/or MSM. It's called Tongues Untied. Another good one, which I loved, is called Paris is Burning. It may take some searching to find these gems of films, or (god forbid) watching chopped up versions on YouTube, but I think they are worth finding and watching. Granted, these are older films, and will only help us to understand a moment in black, same-gender loving/MSM culture.
     
  15. Bedroom Hymns

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    I can understand that it's harder to be gay within the black community of the United States, but it's just madness that it's also harder within the actual gay community! That's just shameful. To think that a group that struggles for equality would treat another community within itself differently is sort of hypocritical. I'm sorry you've got it tougher than many of us.
    I personally wouldn't treat a gay black man any differently, and I would so totally date one. I just don't care about race (word which by the way I think is not accurately used).

    I'm sorry I can't be of much help to the subject, I just don't have enough experience at all and don't know that much about the topic. I can just say that I hope we'll reach total equality one day.
     
  16. sanguine

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    its not just being black nor just in america, its everywhere and also towards asians as what i have been told also
     
  17. Matt64

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    I am both black and gay. I am in the process of coming out, slowly coming out to the most important individuals in my life. Right now I am a high school senior and I will most likely be more open about being gay after graduation. While I would say being an ethnic minority and gay can be challenging, I think they play different roles socially, depending on the context. Sometimes it feels like being black makes one feel inadequate while other times it feels like being gay is the more significant part of one's identity.
    insidehappy: Thanks for making this thread! In regard to dating, I have yet to be in a relationship with another guy but personally for me, the individual will be more important than any group (race) they belong to. Ideally, it would be great to meet another black gay guy I could connect with one day but I think its better to be more open-minded and not be to caught up about race/ethnicity/etc. Also, I suppose the "homo thug" and "homo queen" you mentioned are references to masculinity/femininity extremes. Personally, I would say I'm relatively masculine (as in I don't feel I come off as stereotypically gay). I think there is homophobia in the black community but I believe often it stems more from intolerance toward men being feminine rather than homosexuality itself. It's ridiculous that some people (society?) thinks you're not a "real man" if you are gay. However, I would like to highlight that this is an issue with American society in general, not just people of color.